I need assistance. I don't know what to do at this moment. Help please!

I agree that you call 911 and have EMTs take her to ER. At the hospital contact the in-hospital social worker to explain you can't care for her at home at the level she needs, she would be an "unsafe discharge -- she needs to go into LTC but has to be medically recommended for that. Do not take her back to her home because then you'll be back to square 1 (and the hospital will put the screws to you to get you to take her back home -- DON'T!) The social workers can help you start a Medicaid app for her. Medicaid is your only solution to this situation. My MIL is on Medicaid. Your mom has to medically and financially qualify and it usually takes 3 months for the app to be processed.

If she does qualify, she will go into a facility that has a bed for her, hoping there aren't too many waiting lists. Medicaid is run by each state, so specific rules will vary base on where she lives. All but about $200-ish of her social security will go towards her LTC (that's how much it is in my state). Medicaid will put a lien on the house that will come up when it goes on sale, they won't "seize" it. They won't "take all her stuff" (they don't care about furniture, jewelry, pots and pans, etc, or her car). They don't "seize all her money" but there is a spend-down of her assets in order for her to qualify.

You can talk to social services about the living arrangement, as it is your legal residence, to find out what the state policy is on that. You have horrible-ized this situation in your mind and it's not that bad -- and it's your ONLY solution. You need to get your mom situated so that you can spend your energies helping yourself. FYI if she wants and needs help she can assign you as her PoA, but you will need to download the paperwork for her state and have it signed and notarized per her state's rules. Without this the county will likely need to become her legal guardian once she cognitively can no longer sign such paperwork.

Please talk to social services so that you get accurate information and can stop panicking over it. I wish you peace in your heart!

1. The doctor is wrong.
2. You need to apply for VA benefits
3. Get your mom's Medicaid application started immediately. Call your county social services department or the department on aging and ask for their help in getting mom placed.

4. Find a new doctor for mom.

It actually sounds as though you need to speak to a counselor who is very well versed in issues like yours.

I can understand how terrifying it must be to learn that what you considered “yours” may legally be only “hers”, but in your panic, you may be reacting to “facts not in evidence.

Take a deep breath, put a piece of paper and a pencil on the table, and start making a list of potential “experts” who can offer you counseling and support for yourself, as well as recommendations for the best care possible available to your mother.

Unless your mother's wildly devoted to “the doctor” and willing to comply with “the doctor” in terms of her medical advice, I’d put “the doctor” REALLY LOW on your list of helpful experts, or maybe skip “the doctor” altogether.

SO- local Salvation Army? Local community welfare board? Local House of Worship? Local office of Legal Aid?

On a second sheet of paper write down facts about what your mother owns solely in HER NAME, any property you and she hold jointly, and any resources, if there are any AT ALL, that are solely yours.

When you are contacting an “expert”, avoid comments that reflect your desperate dependence on your mother’s finances. They do not further your position, and they DO portray you as being self serving.

If you get yourself connected to a compassionate and objective source of help, be open to potential solutions, even if they don’t seem “perfect”.

Get to work. Your situation is very difficult and it is very troubling for you, but you will feel better when you get some FACTUAL ADVICE under your belt.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Lemon juice, breathe. You sound panicked. Have you contacted the VA? Did you speak with the social worker at the hospital? Do you own the house or is it mom's? Medicaid has special rules when there is a disabled adult child.

Talk to them be honest about your situation. Or contact an elder law attorney. They will often provide you with a free consult.

Doctors normally know nothing about how payment for nursing home works. If the doc actually said these things, check to see if that is actual reality. Maybe doc was just too lazy to work on a facility for mom to rehab?

If you can't care safely/adequately for Mom & she just got out of hospital - take her back there. If she cannot stand to get in your car, call EMS for transport. Tell them she is Covid pos.

Unless you are wearing N95 mask & your infection control knowledge is medical level, you do have high risk of catching it but as vaccinated hopefully v mildly or no symptoms.

Get Mom safe.

Then find professionals (in person) to help you both. Hospital Social Worker is a good start.

It is initially overwhelming, scary even, when this level of need arises in an elder; and nobody understands the strains and demands and worries of elder care until they've 'been there.' You do have options and I'm glad you're absorbing a lot of the wise and helpful suggestions here in many of these replies. Ignore/dismiss the critical or shaming comments; nobody knows what another person is dealing with until they 'walk a mile in their shoes.' It is very easy to panic, so find a way to calm yourself in a healthy way so you are able to think straight. Do prioritize both your mom's and your needs and line up appropriate supports. Some doctors spout off out of burnout or a blunt-speaking personality; so if you butt heads with this doctor do ask for/find another; my aging and declining mom 'adored' her doctor, would even 'dress up' for doctor appts, but he basically undertreated her for years because nobody was watching/noticing until her sudden decline and I had to step in. This doctor wouldn't even share info with me until a helpful cousin coaxed a 'permission slip' out of my mom so her doc had to talk with me, tell me the truth/facts of her condition so I could take action on her behalf. She was fiercely independent, and Narcissistic, and kept me at arm's length at first but in the end her stubborn streak worked against her. I, too, was faced with potentially letting the State place her wherever there was an open bed, with all the financial steps your mom's doc 'warned' about so bleakly. It is clear your mom is moving into a stage that you are unable to handle, which is not a criticism nor the end of the world, hers or yours, just how these things often play out. So arm yourself with information from all sources for elder care in your area. And get yourself the proper evaluations so you know what is best for your life going forward. You may indeed eventually move out of that house but that does not automatically equal 'homeless'...you will need to create your own home on your own terms when you get your self organized. All the best, for both of you.

The doctor is likely wrong or exaggerating.

Contact your case worker.

You state you need HER assets to survive immediately. But she already sounds like she's at least at the point where she needs help immediately.

I've known of several men in your position, under or unemployed, who stay with an elder as they see it as their "only option" for their survival.

One died at 55.
One went homeless after the sibs stepped in and removed Mom.
The most "successful" one did get inheritance, but by then he had been an addict for decades.

I do not think you should do this. Rather, you should direct the hospital the next time she gets admitted--and she will--to look for an appropriate rehab. Medicare will pay for at least 21 days for this. And if they can't do anything, then the ethical thing to do is to arrange for LTC before these scenarios happen to you.

You need to fight like heck for yourself. By that I mean do whatever you have to do to help yourself. If you are injured and can't work you need to be at the VA and social services, AS OFTEN AS NEEED, possibly meeting with an attorney as well to get you on disability. If you can work, and trust me, this is what you want to do if you can, you want to get a job as it is so much better for your overall well being. Your mom needs to be in a Nursing home at this point. Yes, they will take her ss check and any savings she has, but you may be able to stay there for a while at the home. Yuo need to get whatever help you can from the VA and social services and get on disability if you need to.

The doctor is so wrong. He is talking about if you allow the State to take over. I think you need another doctor but you may need him. Have Mom evaluated for LTC. If found she needs 24/7 care then find a nice LTC facility. If she has any money, use it. It will help you get her in quicker. The doctor will need to sign off.

Medicaid in my State takes about 90 days. With my Mom I applied in April. Mom had 20k so I placed her in LTC May 1st. This gave me time to get all the info together that Medicaid needed and to spend her down which the 20k helped. She paid May and June. June I confirmed the caseworker had everything he needed and Medicaid started July 1st.

Yes once on Medicaid, Moms Social Security and any pension will need to go toward her care. This has nothing to do with being state run. Any LTC facility allowing Medicaid will require her SS and any pension. Her assets will need to be spent down to the asset cap for your state. Any insurance policies with cash in value need to be cashed in. They can be used, as can any money she has, to prepay her funeral. There are some retirement accts that are exempt. As is her house and one car. The problem with the house is there will be no money for the bills and upkeep. So you may have to sell it at Market Price and the proceeds used for her care.

I suggest you call your Office of Aging to see what kind of help you can get. I know this all sounds overwhelming but not so much when you take one thing at a time. If you feel you need a lawyer, you can use Moms money.