I FINALLY got some help with my dad’s care. My brother and sisters were onboard to help with what they could. Unfortunately, dad STILL wants me to do everything and will not call anyone else. Case in point, he wanted me to take him to the doctor about a month ago. I told him I had to work and to ask one of my sisters. He lied and said that he did but the said no. Keep in mind I have small kids, hubby and full time job. Long story short, he broke his hip and is now refusing to do physical. I CANNOT deal!!! We want him to go to the nursing facility for rehab and he just won’t act right. He’s extremely rude and uncooperative. I’ve decided to step back for awhile and not contribute to any of his care. I'm tired of being called for everything! Am I wrong for this?

When children are 2 or 3 years old, they begin to learn a parent’s tolerance level, and how much they, as children, can “wheel and deal” and manipulate parental control. Usually one parent will mean what they say, and carry out consequences, and the other parent will give in to the child’s demands sooner or later.

The SAME PROCESS works with adults. If the answer is consistently “Sorry, I can’t do that, call (paid care giver/sibling/assigned help person) and THEY WILL HELP YOU.

You then have the choice of either caving in, which TEACHES Dad that HE CAN GET WHAT HE WANTS, or standing firm, which teaches Dad that he has NO CHOICE but to rely on the help system YOU have developed for him.

Same with the present situation. If you as a sibling group have agreed on the course of therapy which will be most likely to yield the ultimate result that is best FOR ALL OF YOU, then you must quietly, calmly, and FIRMLY execute the plan.

“Rude and uncooperative” IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS! IF, and only IF, ALL siblings are in agreement, you WILL be able to reach a solution, perhaps not perfectly, but at least best possible for each of you. He may grumble, plead, roar, whine, any of that, but sorry, an older adult man with a broken hip does NOT hold the cards.

Good luck with this, and hopes that your sibs will be willing to get on board. You need to support each other.
Helpful Answer (24)
Reply to AnnReid
Beatty Mar 6, 2020
Clapping with standing ovation answer.
Oh the 'charade of independance'... What a great turn of phrase.

My sister said to all & sundry she was very independant (& so it was written on every case note *fiercely independent*) while asking for cleaning/shopping/transport he77 even toileting assistance!

If they are truly independant, they organise their own helpers. My Grandma hired her gardener & when she was ready, put her house up for sale & arranged her move into AL. Now THAT's independance!
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Reply to Beatty
janeinspain Mar 6, 2020
That is very impressive!!! Good for her and that is a great model for aging responsibly!
Your dad is trying to make you participate in what I like to call "the charade of indepdence".

It's up to you to say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that". Mean it and don't get upset by his ranting.

We need to help our parents on OUR terms, not their's.

Don't wreck your life, your marriage or your job just because dad has a tantrum.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Not at all! Make it clear to dad and hospital that you will not be the caregiver, he is an unsafe discharge since nobody is there to care for him. Tell dad the only way he can come home is if he goes to rehab, and gets strong enough to care for himself, you will not do it any longer.
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Reply to gladimhere

"uncooperative and rude" sounds like mom, esp after her strokes last July. I insisted the doctor and staff call for a psych consult because her behavior was off the charts. Best thing I ever did. Maybe you can explore that route.

Also, my Mom can still be a bit difficult at times. For my peace of mind, I don't leave it up to her. Instead, I speak directly to whomever I need to do that whatever is going on is handled, i.e., don't leave it up to your dad to call someone else or your siblings. Just make the call yourself and pass on the responsibility, then just inform your dad that this is the way it is. Don't wait for his approval or stand witness to any complaints or moaning. Smile and walk away!

Mom lives with us now. The first several months I felt like a fire chief. She'd call my phone from the other room if I wasn't present; if I was there with her, she'd order me around like a slave. My solution was to let it roll to voicemail, be slow to respond or just walk away. Things are better now, and she's learned that I don't jump she says jump. She still pushes the with her "urgent" requests now and then, and I respond ever more slowly. Mom used to tell me to do things she could do herself. It was her power play, but I refused. For example, if she told me to get something out of her purse, I'd just hand her her purse without a word and go about MY business.

She still sees a psychiatrist once a month, and I let him know what's going on. Sometimes he'll calls me in so we can have a group chat. Very helpful.

I know it's exhausting, but yall are now dealing with childlike spoiled brat behavior. Do what you'd do if your toddler pulled these strings. My solution was always to ignore the tantrum, step over them and walk on. They learned quick enough that mommy doesn't play that game. Our parents are doing the same thing now to us caregivers. Be nice, but don't play the game.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to babziellia
JoAnn29 Mar 7, 2020
My Mom used to do that too. Just walk over us like we weren't even there. We learned that tantrums didn't work with her.
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Another case of the I have Multiple Siblings in town but it's like I'm an only child. God help us all. Yeah, you're doing the only thing you can do. I'm learning scarily that being the "it" girl will kill us, slowly. I was sick 2x within 6 weeks or so; I am exhausted, my resistance is down, and in the past week torn between wondering if i have a bug or food poisoning (for actually going out with friends for a couple hours to eat). It doesn't even sound like your siblings are necessarily not's just your manipulative dad fouling things up. With siblings that are available and cooperative and the burden SHARED, it can be so much more doable. But you all have to have a united front and a clear plan. I can't say no...I'm it....and my greatest generation father who is deaf...his response when he wondered if I could make something in the wok like mom used to...and my writing him a note which concluded with the words I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL CHEF...was to LAUGH. I am exhausted. He is destroying my well-being and totally clueless. No caregiver agreement for him nosiree, this is what families do for each other. And it's true....but he has no idea how exhausting he is to maintain. And I work as well. Your father is probably not used to be told "no". You need a family meeting and/or intervention with all present with him and tell him the new game plan. Rotate, coordinate, but stop the insanity and bearing the burden on your own. Save yourself! Turn the phones off, say they were broken, let the next person on the list get the call...
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Reply to gdaughter
keepingup Mar 8, 2020
OMG you got this I learned way too late that my needs mattered. You spelled it out perfectly: This lady has to take care of herself.
Just keep on the path you have set. I wouldn't even call ur siblings. I'd say "no Dad I cannot take u to that appt. You have other children, call them. I cannot be ur go to person all the time. I hold down a job and have small kids. They r my priority. If one of the others can't take u then call a cab. Or cancel the appt and reschedule for a time when someone can take u. But it can't be me because I WORK." I would also tell him if he doesn't take care of himself and do his therapy he will be wheelchair bound. At that point he may need help, which he will need to hire or go into an AL or LTC. Because, you are not caring for him because your responsibility is to your family. You may want ur siblings to chime in.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to JoAnn29
kdcm1011 Mar 8, 2020
“Because I WORK” is what my husband had to tell his mother when she expected him to drive either of them to doctor appointments, get meds, buy groceries, whatever. Mind you, her favorite — the family queen — lived 5 minutes away & wasn’t working, wasn’t running a household (living/mooching off her sister who was working), didn’t have young children to take care, etc. *shaking my head*
Mo, when he calls, you'll just need to call one of the others and have them go by instead of you and he'll either accept it or he won't get any help
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to bevthegreat
JoAnn29 Mar 8, 2020
I don't see where she needs to call. Just say "Sorry Dad I can't do it today. Call one of the other kids."
No, you are not being unreasonable. I have found that if you always step in, then people will never look elsewhere for help. If you stick to your decision it may feel painful in the short term (you will be unpopular initially) but the support is there and your Dad will learn to ask the others. Good luck!
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Reply to wiseowl

You aren't wrong at all.
Remind you dad that although your willing to help.You also have your family and career.He has other children who can assist him.
If that isn't good enough then by all means step back.
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Reply to Concerned43

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