I need advice! What would you do?!

Have a family meeting and care plan for the dad or let him know other measures will take place

I know you frustration. Mom will only let me assist her. She is rude as "h" to my four sisters and her brother who try to help. Mom is 85 and can be a real stinker when she wants to be. I have had to have behavior talks with her. I explain that she MUST cooperate and be nice or I will not be able to keep my job and help her anymore. I remind her that she will get to see me and go out on the weekend, but if she gives others a hard time I will do something else by myself. She really looks forward to going out for a meal, a drive and shopping. She has missed a few times of going on the weekend because of her behavior. Yes, this is treating her like a child, but this is where she is mentally. Now she says, "I will be nice and let "--" take me to the doctor. I want to go out on Saturday."

Good luck!

If your Dad will not call your siblings, how about you call them instead? It is an extra step for you, but in the long run it will be to your benefit. Most likely, your Dad is the most comfortable with you. However, if you are consistent with contacting your siblings, hopefully, over time he will become comfortable with them too. Good luck.

No. You have the right to a life of your own. I am an only child so have no help with caring for my 90 year old mother. I have put in place 24hr live in care. She tells me she doesn’t like it. I have told her it’s that or a home. I have been at her beck and call for years. Calls at two and three in the morning because she had fallen. Hospital visits every day for weeks. It wouldn’t be so bad if she was grateful but I don’t even get a thank you. It is expected.
Be strong. It is difficult but put yourself first. Refuse to do anything you don’t want to do. Your father is being very selfish.

no.

Try getting him a phone (large buttons if he needs it) with your sister and brother on 1-button speed dial. Remove yourself from his phone, or if that is not comfortable for you, screen calls, then call or text your sibs when he calls you. The 3 of you may need to force the issue if he needs a rehab facility, with his doctor's and the nurse's backing. Another alternative is to hire a geriatric care manager to assess his situation, and to provide solutions and ongoing assistance.
Dr. Gross

Good idea to step back. You are NOT wrong at all.

My Mum & her sister chose an afternoon a week each to offer to their Mother. Shopping, appointments, cleaning or just visiting, whatever was required for that afternoon. They eventually upped it to one full day each. When more was needed, other options put on the table.

Grandma raised them with the notion that reasonable people never expect anyone (inc family) to be at their beck & call. If they did, there were left for a 'talking to' & assessment by the local Doctor as they must be impaired in some way.

Independance in the 'mend & make do' generation (or 'greatest generation) was very highly regarded.

One afternoon Dad, take it or leave it.

Like kdcm said 'beacause I WORK'.

I soon found the word WORK was respected but no respect on any non-work tme: ie weekends, public holidays & this little beauty "what time do you finish work?"

Work is a excellent starting boundary.

As a veteran he may be eleigible for Aid and Attendance... https://www.va.gov/pension/aid-attendance-housebound/

It can be a long application process but it is absolutely worth looking into... Please get the help regardless of what your father says... You and your siblings have to be in charge, not him... may elderly resist help because they are angry, disappointed, frustrated, etc. that they need help at all...
You are allowed to tell your father that you're making changes and as hard as it may be for him to accept you now have to do what will be for the greater good of you and and your family and ultimately you'll have better energy for him because you will feel less put upon and less burnt out...
wishing you ease... and we breathe...

When you can’t do something you should call someone else instead of having him call

You aren't wrong at all.
Remind you dad that although your willing to help.You also have your family and career.He has other children who can assist him.
If that isn't good enough then by all means step back.

Please step back. If dad complains, tell him he needs to go to rehab so he can get the care he needs and that you can't provide it.

When he gets out, set up a schedule of care. If he calls you on another's day - and he most likely will - call that sibling to deal with the needs. Go from being the fulltime caregiver to the receptionist.

Wrong? Absolutely not. "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

wishing you luck, IF the siblings are in the same town and close by, then by all means should have a meeting without dad, and discuss who can do what and when.  set up a schedule and get a (either wet or dry erase big board)calendar type, and mark down who is coming to visit or whatever for appointments.  hope it works out for you.

Mo, when he calls, you'll just need to call one of the others and have them go by instead of you and he'll either accept it or he won't get any help

What you are experiencing is caregiver burnout. There are a lot of books on the marketet "caring for the caregiver.". I'd get one of those books and read it cover to cover. Can he afford home health care? I'd Google it in your location. They can come out and do an assessment and maybe he can pay for care in his home. Sometimes Medicaid. Will pay. Contact your county area agency on aging...they might have a senior milleage and he may qualify for care. Also, is he a veteran? Call your local veteran representative. I don't know your dad, so I don't know how to tell you to get his buy in. I might say, "Dad, I love you but I'm worn out. I need help caring for you. I have these four ideas and we need to come up with one in the next two weeks.".

Did you say he broke his hip? He will be experiencing loss of functional status and that is worthy of in home counseling, perhaps through home health care (you can Google tis to find agencies in your area). I would contact you County Area Agency on Aging and ask them what they would recommend. I was a social worker with hospice.

NO! You probably helped all the time and now you want some help or boundaries
and they can't understand it. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to take breaks! This is imperative. You need to lovingly communicate things, and stand your ground! Good luck and God Bless

No, you are not being unreasonable. I have found that if you always step in, then people will never look elsewhere for help. If you stick to your decision it may feel painful in the short term (you will be unpopular initially) but the support is there and your Dad will learn to ask the others. Good luck!

Just keep on the path you have set. I wouldn't even call ur siblings. I'd say "no Dad I cannot take u to that appt. You have other children, call them. I cannot be ur go to person all the time. I hold down a job and have small kids. They r my priority. If one of the others can't take u then call a cab. Or cancel the appt and reschedule for a time when someone can take u. But it can't be me because I WORK." I would also tell him if he doesn't take care of himself and do his therapy he will be wheelchair bound. At that point he may need help, which he will need to hire or go into an AL or LTC. Because, you are not caring for him because your responsibility is to your family. You may want ur siblings to chime in.

"uncooperative and rude" sounds like mom, esp after her strokes last July. I insisted the doctor and staff call for a psych consult because her behavior was off the charts. Best thing I ever did. Maybe you can explore that route.

Also, my Mom can still be a bit difficult at times. For my peace of mind, I don't leave it up to her. Instead, I speak directly to whomever I need to do that whatever is going on is handled, i.e., don't leave it up to your dad to call someone else or your siblings. Just make the call yourself and pass on the responsibility, then just inform your dad that this is the way it is. Don't wait for his approval or stand witness to any complaints or moaning. Smile and walk away!

Mom lives with us now. The first several months I felt like a fire chief. She'd call my phone from the other room if I wasn't present; if I was there with her, she'd order me around like a slave. My solution was to let it roll to voicemail, be slow to respond or just walk away. Things are better now, and she's learned that I don't jump she says jump. She still pushes the with her "urgent" requests now and then, and I respond ever more slowly. Mom used to tell me to do things she could do herself. It was her power play, but I refused. For example, if she told me to get something out of her purse, I'd just hand her her purse without a word and go about MY business.

She still sees a psychiatrist once a month, and I let him know what's going on. Sometimes he'll calls me in so we can have a group chat. Very helpful.

I know it's exhausting, but yall are now dealing with childlike spoiled brat behavior. Do what you'd do if your toddler pulled these strings. My solution was always to ignore the tantrum, step over them and walk on. They learned quick enough that mommy doesn't play that game. Our parents are doing the same thing now to us caregivers. Be nice, but don't play the game.

Another case of the I have Multiple Siblings in town but it's like I'm an only child. God help us all. Yeah, you're doing the only thing you can do. I'm learning scarily that being the "it" girl will kill us, slowly. I was sick 2x within 6 weeks or so; I am exhausted, my resistance is down, and in the past week torn between wondering if i have a bug or food poisoning (for actually going out with friends for a couple hours to eat). It doesn't even sound like your siblings are necessarily not willing...it's just your manipulative dad fouling things up. With siblings that are available and cooperative and the burden SHARED, it can be so much more doable. But you all have to have a united front and a clear plan. I can't say no...I'm it....and my greatest generation father who is deaf...his response when he wondered if I could make something in the wok like mom used to...and my writing him a note which concluded with the words I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL CHEF...was to LAUGH. I am exhausted. He is destroying my well-being and totally clueless. No caregiver agreement for him nosiree, this is what families do for each other. And it's true....but he has no idea how exhausting he is to maintain. And I work as well. Your father is probably not used to be told "no". You need a family meeting and/or intervention with all present with him and tell him the new game plan. Rotate, coordinate, but stop the insanity and bearing the burden on your own. Save yourself! Turn the phones off, say they were broken, let the next person on the list get the call...

When children are 2 or 3 years old, they begin to learn a parent’s tolerance level, and how much they, as children, can “wheel and deal” and manipulate parental control. Usually one parent will mean what they say, and carry out consequences, and the other parent will give in to the child’s demands sooner or later.

The SAME PROCESS works with adults. If the answer is consistently “Sorry, I can’t do that, call (paid care giver/sibling/assigned help person) and THEY WILL HELP YOU.

You then have the choice of either caving in, which TEACHES Dad that HE CAN GET WHAT HE WANTS, or standing firm, which teaches Dad that he has NO CHOICE but to rely on the help system YOU have developed for him.

Same with the present situation. If you as a sibling group have agreed on the course of therapy which will be most likely to yield the ultimate result that is best FOR ALL OF YOU, then you must quietly, calmly, and FIRMLY execute the plan.

“Rude and uncooperative” IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. IT IS HIS! IF, and only IF, ALL siblings are in agreement, you WILL be able to reach a solution, perhaps not perfectly, but at least best possible for each of you. He may grumble, plead, roar, whine, any of that, but sorry, an older adult man with a broken hip does NOT hold the cards.

Good luck with this, and hopes that your sibs will be willing to get on board. You need to support each other.

Oh the 'charade of independance'... What a great turn of phrase.

My sister said to all & sundry she was very independant (& so it was written on every case note *fiercely independent*) while asking for cleaning/shopping/transport he77 even toileting assistance!

If they are truly independant, they organise their own helpers. My Grandma hired her gardener & when she was ready, put her house up for sale & arranged her move into AL. Now THAT's independance!

Your dad is trying to make you participate in what I like to call "the charade of indepdence".

It's up to you to say "no, dad, I can't possibly do that". Mean it and don't get upset by his ranting.

We need to help our parents on OUR terms, not their's.

Don't wreck your life, your marriage or your job just because dad has a tantrum.

Not at all! Make it clear to dad and hospital that you will not be the caregiver, he is an unsafe discharge since nobody is there to care for him. Tell dad the only way he can come home is if he goes to rehab, and gets strong enough to care for himself, you will not do it any longer.