He's demanding a key so that he can see dad whenever he wishes despite having it explained that any slight change in routine cause confusion and distress. Should I refuse to give in to his demands when i am clear it is not in dads best interest
A key to what, exactly? Your father has dementia, so it seems doubtful he is living alone. Is he in care? The caregiver can let the son in to visit when it is convenient.
Thank you all for your answers and support. I have said that my brother can see dad but in planned visits when I am present as dad gets very anxious and trys to leave when he gets to muddled or tired. This also works well with my other sibling who has more understanding of dads dementia and needs. Prior to dad having dementia non of us had keys to our parents home. The main reason I cant agree to him coming and going as he pleases us any change from routine throws dad. I did ask dad today if I could give my brother a key and he immediately said no people cant have my key only you as you are with me all the time he referring to my brother is a outsider. I have telephone callback with Dementia UK and dads GP tomorrow. Dad lives in supported living type accommodation with me and my husband providing all his care needs.
I think there could be 2 ways to interpret your brother's behavior, one that he's come to reality and wants to re-establish a relationship with your father, and two, that he has something in mind that benefits him.
Did he ask to coordinate visits, the best times to visit your father, or display any attempt to re-establish relations and/or to help? If not, are there assets or things in your father's house that he might want? As already asked, is your father living alone or with you, or at a facility?
Threats of suing are just threats. Your brother would have to establish a cause of action, specifically WHY he needs to sue you, instead of attempting an amicable workout. It is possible he could get a fleabag attorney who would charge him not on a success basis but rather an hourly basis, and get some money out of a court battle. And you could countersue and ask for court costs based on a frivolous lawsuit.
However, I think a judge would be cautious not to dismiss any suit out of hand given the friction that apparently exists.
In addition, depending on your locality and state, there could be court rules addressing frivolous lawsuits. This is something you'd have to determine, based on your decision...however, and this is important, he would have to allege and state why he can't visit your father in your presence. To deny him access entirely is a different matter, and addresses the issue of why he really wants a key.
I've been through something similar, took precautions ahead of time, and was glad that I did. My suspicions were right on target.
But first, where is your father residing? If with you, respond, IN WRITING ONLY, and never discuss the issue by phone. Set forth your position, your agreement that he should see Dad, and provide a list of the conditions (i.e., no long visits, no disturbing conversations, only in your presence, etc.)
Give him an opportunity and see if he still challenges it. But don't ever allow him to be with your father alone unless your father is in a facility and you can't get the admins to agree not to allow him to visit.
On the issue of his visitation, I don't understand the 6 years of no visits. If he saw your father before the pandemic, that's only since about December of 2019, so just a little over a year and a half.
How long a period has it actually been since he saw your father (or, alternately, communicated with him in some other way)?
What was his relationship with your father, and with you, prior to the onset of dementia?
I hope your Dad is not left alone. He needs someone with him if any slight change causes confusion and stress.
Is this your home? If so you have the right not to give ur brother the key. Tell him to tell you when he will be visiting and you will make sure to open the door for him.
Dads house, why doesn't brother already have a key. Was there a reason Dad didn't want him to have it? That would be a good excuse. As Dads representative you too can't give him something that Dad wouldn't. And I understand why you won't allow brother if his presence upsets Dad but ... u may not have the right to keep brother away. So, let him go to court and let a Judge make a ruling.
I realize your brother has been a slacker in not seeing your dad, but what is your concern about him visiting. I'm not saying to give him a key, I wouldn't do that, but what about just visiting your dad in your presence? I don't know if not allowing your brother to visit is in dad's best interest or not. How far along in his dementia is your dad? Is he able to decide for himself if he would like to see his son?
Ignore the lawsuit threat. Attempt to come to an agreement about your brother's right to visit, unless there's some past history of abuse or improper behavior by your brother to your dad.
You don't say if your dad is living with you, or you with him(hopefully he's not living by himself.) If he's living in your house, you don't have to let anyone in that you don't want to, and if you're in dads house, then you must do what's in the best interest of your dad. Have you asked him if he wants to see his son? I can't imagine that he wouldn't, even if your brother hasn't been any help over the years. He is still his son. You can still set the days and time for said visits, according to when dad is more alert and such. Just because you're pissed at your brother because he hasn't helped with dads care, doesn't give you the right to keep him away.(unless there's more to this story than what you're sharing) You need to put your feelings aside, and do what's best for your dad. And no, I wouldn't give him any keys, but I would certainly sit down with your brother and try and work out a visitation schedule.
Do not provide a key for your brother. If your brother wants to visit your Dad then he needs to coordinate the visits at times when you can be there. Your brother possibly has ulterior-motives to want access to your dad and house!
It doesn't matter if he takes you to court or not. Vain threats are vain threats. If he does and becomes the legal guardian of your father, then he makes the decisions but if you have the POA your are the fiduciary and all your actions must be for the benefit of your father...not free access to him by manipulative children.
Thank you for your answer he has seen dad about 10 times during first couple of years after not seeing him for 2 years then saw him about 4 times has not seen him at all since pandemic and has not asked too not even through the window know things he can do what he likes said he will take me to court
Not only should you but you are obligated to deny your brother's demands. You should get into his face and let him know how out of line his demands are.
Your father has dementia, so it seems doubtful he is living alone. Is he in care?
The caregiver can let the son in to visit when it is convenient.
planned visits when I am present as dad gets very anxious and trys to leave when he gets to muddled or tired. This also works well with my other sibling who has more understanding of dads dementia and needs. Prior to dad having dementia non of us had keys to our parents home. The main reason I cant agree to him coming and going as he pleases us any change from routine throws dad. I did ask dad today if I could give my brother a key and he immediately said no people cant have my key only you as you are with me all the time he referring to my brother is a outsider. I have telephone callback with Dementia UK and dads GP tomorrow. Dad lives in supported living type accommodation with me and my husband providing all his care needs.
Did he ask to coordinate visits, the best times to visit your father, or display any attempt to re-establish relations and/or to help? If not, are there assets or things in your father's house that he might want? As already asked, is your father living alone or with you, or at a facility?
Threats of suing are just threats. Your brother would have to establish a cause of action, specifically WHY he needs to sue you, instead of attempting an amicable workout. It is possible he could get a fleabag attorney who would charge him not on a success basis but rather an hourly basis, and get some money out of a court battle. And you could countersue and ask for court costs based on a frivolous lawsuit.
However, I think a judge would be cautious not to dismiss any suit out of hand given the friction that apparently exists.
In addition, depending on your locality and state, there could be court rules addressing frivolous lawsuits. This is something you'd have to determine, based on your decision...however, and this is important, he would have to allege and state why he can't visit your father in your presence. To deny him access entirely is a different matter, and addresses the issue of why he really wants a key.
I've been through something similar, took precautions ahead of time, and was glad that I did. My suspicions were right on target.
But first, where is your father residing? If with you, respond, IN WRITING ONLY, and never discuss the issue by phone. Set forth your position, your agreement that he should see Dad, and provide a list of the conditions (i.e., no long visits, no disturbing conversations, only in your presence, etc.)
Give him an opportunity and see if he still challenges it. But don't ever allow him to be with your father alone unless your father is in a facility and you can't get the admins to agree not to allow him to visit.
On the issue of his visitation, I don't understand the 6 years of no visits. If he saw your father before the pandemic, that's only since about December of 2019, so just a little over a year and a half.
How long a period has it actually been since he saw your father (or, alternately, communicated with him in some other way)?
What was his relationship with your father, and with you, prior to the onset of dementia?
Is this your home? If so you have the right not to give ur brother the key. Tell him to tell you when he will be visiting and you will make sure to open the door for him.
Dads house, why doesn't brother already have a key. Was there a reason Dad didn't want him to have it? That would be a good excuse. As Dads representative you too can't give him something that Dad wouldn't. And I understand why you won't allow brother if his presence upsets Dad but ... u may not have the right to keep brother away. So, let him go to court and let a Judge make a ruling.
A rat who wants free access to something in the house.
Ignore the lawsuit threat. Attempt to come to an agreement about your brother's right to visit, unless there's some past history of abuse or improper behavior by your brother to your dad.
If he's living in your house, you don't have to let anyone in that you don't want to, and if you're in dads house, then you must do what's in the best interest of your dad. Have you asked him if he wants to see his son? I can't imagine that he wouldn't, even if your brother hasn't been any help over the years. He is still his son. You can still set the days and time for said visits, according to when dad is more alert and such.
Just because you're pissed at your brother because he hasn't helped with dads care, doesn't give you the right to keep him away.(unless there's more to this story than what you're sharing) You need to put your feelings aside, and do what's best for your dad.
And no, I wouldn't give him any keys, but I would certainly sit down with your brother and try and work out a visitation schedule.
No further discussion is necessary, so don't engage and DON'T let your sibling visit unsupervised if you think they have ulterior motives.
Not giving "support" alone is not enough of a reason to shut them out completely. Have they not seen Dad in six years?