I left my Mil home with my 12 year old son while I went shopping. I came home and my son was in tears because grandmas was hitting him and then held bedroom door closed so he could not come out. This has never happened before.

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Since this is an unexpected and sudden deviation I would have her checked for a UTI right away. A UTI can ramp up the dementia type behavior. My good friend who has passed now became aggressive with her DIL when she had a UTI. Hugs for your family. Tough days.
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I understand how shocked and disheartened you are feeling. Your son definitely needs help understanding that his grandmother wasn't fully in control of her actions and did not intend to harm or upset him so; and understanding you didn't think grandma was sick enough to have done something like this or you would have never left him alone with her. In time, he may be able to understand and forgive her. You also need to come up with a coping plan for him. Knowing it's okay for him to leave the room or the house and have an adult to call on when his grandmother has another episode is very important, empowering him to take care of himself and not feel so powerless.

If your MIL can be stabilized with appropriate medications, she may be able to continue sharing your home for a while, but this should also be a sign you need to start looking for and considering other placements for when her dementia worsens. You need to have a plan in mind because dementia can turn so suddenly from being manageable to something so unexpected. An adult day care that takes care of MIL so you can take care of outside appointments will be a big help, as would some additional in home companion care giving that would allow you to attend your son's evening functions.

My mother cared for my father with vascular dementia for many years, but when her own health started failing and my father became physically aggressive we placed him in MC. It's a difficult decision to make and to implement but you need to do what it best for the entire family. Your son deserves to feel completely safe in his home and to have a home he is comfortable inviting his friends to visit.
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Mil has dementia, she has never acted like this before and very calm especially around the grand kids
this was the first time this has ever happened. That's why I felt it was ok to leave her home with him.. I know now that will never happen again
mom has lived with us for 1 1/2 years . I have never seen this behavior before
thank you all for feedback. I have learned so much from this group
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againx100 Aug 2019
Seems like there's a first time for everything in this eldercare roller coaster.

Now you know. What to do about her though? Yikes. Tough question. People with AZ really can't learn new things or get retrained to not do X or Y, no matter how horrible the behavior may be.

Is she on any kind of meds that might make her act this way? Especially something new? Not that being violent is out of realm of "normal" AZ behavior.

Or maybe her current meds need to be tweaked to help her behavior?

Good luck.
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There is no doubt in my mind that your son is traumatized by this. He should never, no matter how mature he seems to be, have been left alone with her. And, if she has ever displayed abusive or violent tendencies previously, that’s all the more reason this should never have happened. Perhaps you should have waited until your husband came home from work and then gone shopping or called an adult family member to come over. If she has begun acting out this way, you need to have a family meeting about alternative placement, especially with children in the home.
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The fact that she has Alzheimer's she should not be left with someone that young.
And your son should have contacted you as soon as MIL began acting out. There is no way a 12 year old should have to handle that. Or be subjected to an outburst.
Is there a way that you can get MIL into an Adult Day Care program? You can use the time she is there to get errands done. And it will give her a break and give her some socialization.
Is it Alzheimer's that she has been diagnosed with or another form of Dementia? Some forms of dementia present with more violent tendencies although Alzheimer's can as well. If this is the way her dementia is going to go it might be a "heads up" warning that you might need either more help in the house or you might have to plan for a Memory Care facility where staff is trained to handle outbursts.
You might also want to talk to her doctor about medication for anxiety but keep in mind that any medication like that can take a while to work and you / she might have to try different meds before you find the right one.

I also hope you get a chance to sit down with your son and explain what is going on and this will not get better, the decline will continue and Grandma is not going to be the same. Let him ask as many questions as he wants.
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Not enough information. Hope you will give us more. Is your MIL diagnosed with Dementia? What does she say about the incident? You say that this has never before happened. Have there been OTHER things that are concerning? Your son, if left alone with your MIL at this time will need to have a cell phone in order to contact you or other emergency services at this time.
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