While cleaning out my mother's home, after she went to Assisted Living, I found both my grandfather and grandmother's Wills. My grandfather left me his car and my grandmother left me $2,000, neither of which I received years ago. I feel so hurt and betrayed that my mother would be so greedy as to keep this. She was always a bit shady and secretive. Now she has dementia. How do I get closure for such horrible behavior from my mother?

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Sad I am going to ask you a question, recently came up at work when people were complaining about the raises we all got the past few years... Would that 2000 really have made a huge difference in your life? Would you have been able to buy a house, or a nice luxury car? And the car,, I assume it was older, and would need upkeep, not a "classic car " that would gain in value and help you buy that private island? I guess if you were 16 and needed a car to go to work, that 2000 would have kept that car running and in gas for a year.? I am not being rude I promise.. but the comment from my coworker really made me think! Now I look at my raises as something nice but not really needed to improve my life. It is water under the bridge at this point,, your mom probably can't explain any longer, and may have needed that money for their care. I hope you can let this go.
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rovana Feb 2020
I don't think the financial value is the issue - basically mom stole from her own child.  To me that would be the issue.
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Let it go. Just take a deep breath, and let it go. You know better so you’ll do better. If your mother was super shady I think she would have destroyed that information.
Its unfortunate you never received the car or the money, but I’m sure it was heartwarming to know that you were thought of, and they wanted you to have something.
Not trying to give your mother a pass, however at this point given the fact she has Dementia I see no upside in confronting her.
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Sad, I know that my stepdad has a will that leaves me 25k. Written years ago. I also know that I will not see 25 cents. Things change and finances are depleted.

Some things just can't be fixed. This is one. You can only speculate about what happened and that is not healthy for you.

I recommend just letting it go and know that your grandparents did remember you and wanted to give you something to help you. Let their love be what matters, not what you think your demented mom did. She will never be able to tell you anything you will trust from her past behavior and current diagnosis, let it go. Honestly this journey is hard enough without something like this beating you up.

I know it absolutely sucks, I really do understand the betrayal that you feel, I bet it is just another thing with your mom. For yourself, let it go.
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Wills are a reflection of your grandparents assets situation at the time the Will was drawn up. $2,000 then probably was a huge sum to them; they thought you needed & would like their car. They visualized all this to you and it made them happy.

But over time, they could have done a codicil (update) to the will. The old will still exists but is not valid. It’s a memento.
Car costing $ to keep up & sold off, so not an asset anymore.
$ spent down to cover their costs of living, so not an asset anymore.
Or when they died, whomever was named executor in the will or the codicil needed to liquidate assets to settle their estate.

I’ve been an Executor 3 times with 2 out of 3 doing a codicil. It’s pretty common especially if it’s a married couple and 1 predeceases the other who is younger or lots more healthy. Or there’s a big change in family dynamics or deaths of heirs.

Think of will as a memento & that they envisioned you driving out of their driveway in that car waving bye to them. And this made them happy!
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FloridaDD Feb 2020
You are making a lot of assumptions.  While you say they "could have" drawn up a codicil, you have no knowledge that they did so. 

If mom has dementia, does she have a guardian or POA?   I would discuss financial matters with that person.   If all her money is going to end up with the government, I would at least access the situation.
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My grandfathers will stated that his assets were to be divided equally between his grandchildren. He lived with my mother, she had him make her beneficiary of his investment accounts. He dies there is nothing in his estate, as beneficiary she got it all, he did not understand, he thought the will would supersede everything. Nope.

We each rec'd 2K, she kept the rest. She only did that because many of us knew what the will stated.

Everyone in the family except me and my brother stopped talking to her, that was 35 years ago, she still is an outcast. 8 years ago I stopped talking to her too, I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.

This is not uncommon, selfish people do selfish things. Let it go nothing will be accomplished by carrying this with you.
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You said your mom was always a bit shady and secretive. You have every reason to suspect that she kept the money for herself and did not submit this will to Probate. Unfortunately, once probate is closed, it's done. You have no legal recourse.

HOWEVER, when a person shows you their nature, believe them. You can't change their behavior, but you can change your own. I have the feeling this is not the first time you felt slighted by your mother. You can't change her, but you can change the way you act toward her. You can not go visit, you can not send money. You can not take care of her, even with sibling pressure. You can not talk to her on the phone. You can just pretend she's already gone.

There are lots of people who go no contact so they don't have more psychological damage from a parent. If this is the last straw, so be it. If you separate from her, then you can leave this behind and enjoy your life without her.
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Sadexecutor Feb 2020
She is actually quite gentle in her state of dementia. I enjoy visiting her and try not to be bitter about the things she has done to me. Sadly, she spoiled my sibling and my sibling behaves a lot like her. I just need to get through this next generation of shady narcissism.
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My mother has promised me so many things and I just say "thanks mom' b/c I know when she dies and we 'split up' what's left, there won't BE any 'left'.

She WANTED me to read her will, for years, so one day, waiting for her to come home I pulled the thing out and went through it. Pretty standard stuff, she has nothing of value.

But on a sheet of paper, not notarized, dated and just signed by my dad is a statement "B owes trust $1500". No reason why, just that. I called my son who is an attorney and asked him what this was. He called it a 'posthumous FU' and to ignore it unless it had been witnessed and notarized as a codicil to the actual will.

I finally figured out my parents were dinging me for the $1500 my braces cost them 50 years ago. Lovely. I asked YB who is executor to whom should I make the check out and he laughed his head off. Turns out the brother she LIVES with and who is basically her slave, also 'owes the trust' $6000. He doesn't know, YB took the paper and destroyed it and we had a good laugh.

I will just be content if my mother doesn't leave us with debts. I know there's supposedly a life insurance policy, but she very well may have cashed that out. At it's peak I would have inherited $9,875.28.

I expect nothing and won't be surprised when I actually have to pay for some stuff after she dies.

Our parents should not be looked upon as a source of income. What you experienced happens all the time. I'm sorry for you, that was kind of rotten on mom's part not to tell you.
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What's the date of the wills? - that's one train of thought.

How advanced is your mother's dementia? - is another. Depending on whether your mother is still capable of holding a standard conversation, I think I would take the wills to her, give her a chance to read the relevant bits, and gently ask if she can explain.

Greedy is something of a prejudicial term, by the way. I wouldn't jump to "greedy." There are all sorts of other traits and circumstances that could have led to your mother not passing on these bequests as, on the face of it, she ought to have done. The wills could have been made long before your grandparents' deaths, so that your grandfather's car was a pile of rust (or sold to pay for something else) and your grandmother had already spent all of her money and more. Your mother could have been under pressure - paying your college fees, perhaps, or a sibling's college fees, or anyway for child-related reasons. She might have formed best intentions but never got round to it. There could have been 1001 reasons. The idea that she thought "tee hee hee nuts to Daughter!" and sold your car and spent your cash on facials and chocolates is probably among the least likely scenarios.

Anyway - if she can answer, even simply, ask her. If not... thank your grandparents for the thought and shrug. It's just too late, is all.
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I know I already weighed in on this--but I know that people can and do change wills/trusts all the time. We did ours a couple years ago. Told the kids, but didn't tell them how we had distributed the money. If, in fact, there IS any money, if one of us has to go into LTC, it will go quickly.

An inheritance is NOT something to which you are entitled. It is a gift and should be looked on as such. There are a million different reasons why people leave differing sums of money to their heirs. And why a LOT of people write family completely out and have their attorney handle the disposition of funds.

My mom has held "your inheritance" over my head all my adult life. $9K isn't going to make a wave in my life and never would have. But to her and dad, I guess a $50K life insurance policy seemed like a lot.

My 5 kids are all better off than we are, financially. I mean, 3 of them are flippin' millionaires in their 30's and 40's. They DO NOT need the money.

We will adapt/adjust our will as we age. Specific things I have promised grandchildren have been listed and accounted for. Will they want some small figurine in 20 years to remember me by? Who knows.

I inherited nothing from either set of grandparents but a couple of small household items.

My mother has 'promised' her antique bedroom set to no fewer than 4 of the family. It's ridiculous.

I'd learn to let go. I, too, was promised a car...and it is so old and beat up--brother just recently sold it for $500. And I didn't care.

This anger is weighing you down--you need to let it go and just accept that mom is what she is and live with that.
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She was shady and secretive, and she did what she did. Now she has dementia, so it is for certain absolutely useless to even bring up the subject. And to what end. The 2,000 and the car are BOTH gone. It is over and done. You cannot miss what you don't know you were to get; so it is unfortunate that you ever found this out. You cannot change what is done. Move on. You always knew, or at least expected how mom is and who mom is--more appropriately who she WAS as she is likely now losing herself and you are losing her as well, to the dementia. Please don't waste your time on what cannot be changed. It makes a story at this point. No more. It cannot be changed. What do you imagine would be a solution? Going to court might get you 2,000.00 which you would have already spent 10 times over on your lawyer. Probate on this issue has likely been closed for a long long time.
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