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I suffer from some pretty severe mental illnesses as well as having a debilitating autoimmune disease. I was barely making it through a day at the beginning of this and it's worse now, even though we have home aids that come. My heart is really struggling right now, I try to keep in mind his dementia, but running out of the room to cry by myself isn't working like I thought it would. I'm scared for both of us. I don't know what to do.

I truly get the frustration. Sadly it is time to find a different place for him to live..memory care or assisted living homes can be a better solution. Locally it cost no more to have my mom live there than to hire in home help. She is happier and we are happier. You can visit when you feel up to it and leave when the frustration begins. Your husband will adjust to the move. It is important for you to know that Elder abuse includes verbal temper tantrums. He deserves better and so do you. You do not mention family but getting a friend or family member to help you find an assisted living near you asap appears like a good idea. God Bless.
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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I think also that the tension and stress have built up to the point that reactions are automatic, and neither of you are able to step back, assess the situation and respond more appropriately and rationally.

And that's definitely not a criticism; I've been there myself, and had to learn how to force myself not to respond until I could do so rationally.   I've read of various suggestions, including counting to 10, or 20, or as high as you need to go before you're calm.   Rechanneling your anger into something more positive, such as beautiful flowers, or a stunning sunrise or sunset, and just focusing on that helps redirect thoughts as well.
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Reply to GardenArtist
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I was discussing your question with my mother's hospice nurse today, and she told me to post this poem she keeps on her phone to share with families --

ALZHEIMER'S POEM

Do not ask me to remember
Do not try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you're with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you to be with me at all cost.

Do not lost your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse my cry.
I can't help the way I'm acting,
Can't be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'til my life is done.
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Reply to MJ1929
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NeedHelpWithMom 8 hours ago
Nice poem.
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I am sorry that you have struggled with this situation for so long. It takes real strength to ‘let go’ of what isn’t working. Sometimes, we assume that by holding on we are strong. No, holding on doesn’t require any ‘real’ strength. We may be holding on, due to fear of the unknown.

You are going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Seek the help of a therapist or others who have done this to give you guidance

I feel your pain and I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. As stated by many, many posters, “You do NOT have to do the ‘hands on’ care yourself!” Please research facilities nearby to place your loved one. You will feel the weight of the world lifting off of your shoulders!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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This situation isn’t healthy or sustainable for either of you. Please find a new plan, husband in memory care or in home care for you to get away.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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This is a very difficult situation. I think you are in way over your head and totally burnt out. You can not provide good care under those circumstances, no matter how much you love him and want to take care of him.

More help at home may be a good thing but I just don't know if it's enough. Assisted living might be a better option, even though it may not seem that way at some levels.

You both need to be better taken care of.

Good luck.
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Reply to againx100
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He needs memory care, and perhaps you need assisted living if staying in the house on your own isn't feasible.
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