I'm old, overwhelmed, tired, angry, filled with grief.
My husband of 51 years has PD--diagnosed July 2020. The PD and the drugs are confusing him. He has daily hallucinations. Periodically, his eyes sparkle. He sounds like himself. I see the old him. I think I can let him have autonomy. Twenty minutes later, he's seeing people, thinking slowly, eyes dead, can't speak or walk, he falls. We are living with family, having sold our house to seek medical care in another state. Now the market at home has escalated to the point I can't find anything suitable we can afford. It's hard taking care of him here, though our family is just wonderful. All the other things that go with moving are also a problem--insurances, car stuff--the normal things a person has. Insurance has been a problem--all docs out of network. Big bills wracked up before I realized it. Changing insurances. The anxiety of how I will pay for it all.
To top it off, I have problems too. I came from an abusive family and have C-PTSD--unresolved, therefore, I have a load of my own to carry. The triggers that present themselves from the people he sees, and the fact that he doesn't know me sometimes or thinks I'm some other woman, are just horrible. We have had a long, happy marriage. I don't want his last memories of me to be the angry shrew I feel like I am becoming.