I asked this yesterday but I panicked and deleted it. I'm very sorry about that, but I'm starting to feel hopeless/desperate, and sorry for the length as well!
I agreed to stay at my mom’s house temporarily to help her recover from recent hospital visits and ideally help to get her house ready to sell and move to a smaller more manageable living arrangement (whether that be a smaller house or apartment nearby where I live, or a nursing home if that’s the level of care she would need.) Since the first stay in the hospital the only option she is considering is me being her live-in 24/7 caregiver. She keeps saying, “either you take care of me or I’ll die.”
My mom is 70 years old with severe COPD. She had acute respiratory failure in October, and two more times since then, and each time was intubated and close to dying. Since the first hospital visit she hasn’t been able to walk very well either, she injured her foot and can’t put much weight on it and she gets short of breath really easily with any exertion. She needs to be taken in a wheelchair to the bathroom and all her medication and meals brought to her, so she needs 24/7 care.
My uncle’s fiancé was willing to help take care of my mom whenever I needed a break, but my mom doesn’t trust her at all and accuses her of stealing her things. She was so upset because of my mom’s accusations she left crying (after driving from an hour and a half away, 70+ miles one way) the day I was supposed to get a break. Because of this my uncle is currently not speaking to my mom and his fiancé is no longer willing to help take care of my mom in her house, but would consider letting my mom stay at hers' and my uncle’s place, but my mom declined.
No other relatives will consider staying to help my mom either, which is completely understandable considering that on top of her being exhausting and manipulative, she is a hoarder and her house is unlivable to anyone else but her. The excessive clutter is one thing but the house is just so dirty. Even when my mom was capable she never maintained cleaning the house, it’s always been cluttered and dirty, accumulated for almost 40 years. It’s really overwhelming. The room I’m staying in is thankfully a bit cleaner but that room and the rest of the house is infested with spiders and the whole house is covered in spiderwebs.
My mom is also avoiding having important conversations, like updating her will, what her final wishes are, what funeral home she wants, and my sister getting POA (since she is a nurse we think it would be good for her to have POA). When I last tried to bring these topics up, my mom said that she is a thread from death and by stressing her out with these topics I’m pulling her closer to death.
As much as I want my mom to agree to a new living arrangement, I don’t know if she ever would, and she does seem to be doing better at home in the environment that she is more comfortable in, despite how unlivable it is for anyone else. It makes me really conflicted because I hate being here and more and more often I'll suddenly start crying and feel unable to handle it. I also have anxiety and depression which are a lot harder to manage in this environment and being unable to maintain my usual routine. But at the same time I could see my mom’s health declining even more drastically if she was to move out of her familiar environment.
I’ve been here since Nov. 28th and I don't know how much longer I can handle. I don't know what I should do, just that whatever the long term solution is, I can't live in my mom's house.
Thank you for reading and for any advice given!