My dad is 84, competent, lives alone and can take care of himself (bathing, cooking, dressing). BUT he has had 2 accidents on his own property that have resulted in property damage to his home and the vehicle, and a third one that resulted in being pulled out.
The first one happened last year. He somehow backed into his deck (old but still usable), bringing the whole deck down. A couple months ago, he backed into the front driveway over a concrete slab (that remained from the deck) and the car had to be pulled out and over. Two days ago, he backed in that same driveway over that same concrete slab, hitting the chimney and knocking the whole chimney down. I believe the car will be totalled, it's that bad. All three times he had to be on the gas pretty hard. His excuse is either "I don't know what happened" or "my foot slipped." But I think he knows what happened.
I never drove with him on the road, but his friend did and she said he was off the road. So, yesterday, I took his keys. I hated every minute of it. I explained to him that this could happen in the grocery store parking lot or the diner where he goes, but he tried to tell me otherwise. I also have the help of his friend. In the end, he gave them to me but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Am I right to do this?
He took it well, since I was the main driver for most of our time together. My siblings and I have discussed taking our Mother's car. She has not driven in some time but has had a number of minor accidents
Stay strong and don't give in!
My neighbor's ex-husband has severe dementia and still insists on driving.
She doesn't care what happens to HIM when he hits things, but she sure cares about the innocent people he's hit (a couple of minor fender benders).
She has no say in his life--but has called the police a few times when he has left her house and is driving erratically. They don't do anything but pull him over.
Their son is his POA and is too terrified to simply take the keys and car. As neighbors, we just keep our cars out of his way.
The ex wife is simply waiting for that knock on her door when he finally does do some serious damage.
You are right in what you did and bless you for having the courage to do so!!
Hang in there. Wishing you, your father and all your family well.
I had to take off my husband's keys early last year. He was furious at the time, but a few days ago he actually thanked me for driving. I was stunned.
A friend of mine before an appointment asked her mother's doctor to take away the keys while visiting the mother; the doctor did. Apparently it worked.
One of my best moments, in our ten year dementia journey, with both mom and dad, is that when mom told me her keys were taken away, I looked at my mom, with all the sympathy and love I had, and said “I’m so sorry, that’s hard to have to give up, mom.” I didn’t try to make it sound ok, no biggie, time’s up, mom, but knew to hug her, while also making it very quietly clear, our youngest sister did what she had to do.
We don’t talk about dad’s vintage truck, or his cabin, he will never drive to again, ever. He is resigned to his new life, and if you ask, he sometimes says he is merely existing. But he is able to hold his sweethearts hand, endlessly, in their own home, for now, at 88 & 86, and they do appreciate that very much. Good luck to you, this is tough stuff.
I think I would have taken a ride with him though. Just so that you could actually see what was going on.
There are also companies that will evaluate drivers for cognitive or physical limitations that may make them unsafe drivers.
The question I usually ask when someone posts this type of question is "Would you let your child or grandchild ride with _________to the store? If the answer is no then you are right that taking the keys away if the right thing to do.
Side comment if after this conversation with him he actually gave you the car keys I think he knows that he should not be driving.
Since the car will be totaled make sure that it is off the property so it is not a constant reminder.
Also if he has a Riding mower I would also disable that. (great movie...The Straight Story with Richard Farnsworth, Sissy Spacek and Harry Dean Stanton)
You can help him though, by setting up an account for Uber or Lyft, or in some small towns, a local taxi service.
He will still want to go places.
You can also show him how to order groceries and necessities online to be delivered to his doorstep.
I didn't take my Mom's keys because I still have and drive her car. It's insured and I'm on the registered driver.
She wasn't able to get to the DMV to renew, she was in the hospital. I got her there to get an ID instead and the lady said she could still take the test if she was able to walk in and take it. Within the next yr.
I didn't take her for that. I've been hearing about it ever since. So have virtual strangers.
I have become her driver. Just one of my hats I wear nowadays.
I don't regret it one bit. She was a really good driver for years, until the unexplained dents and scratches came along. You can only blame it on your neighbors so many times.
BTW she had been driving with really bad cataracts for a long time, too, ughh
You did the right thing, I'm sorry you had to, but you've kept him and so many others safe.
Not giving up his keys is the number one reason my Dad ended up in assisted living. I could not let him take the chance of driving and my siblings were unwilling to make the car keys unavailable because he constantly hounded them. I finally had enough worry. If he had accepted that his eyes and hearing were not good enough to drive it would have been ok to remain in his home. But, he is better off in AL anyway. More socialization- which he badly needed and activities to join in.
You are not wrong to take his car keys away. He's not competent to drive. He's not safe and competent to be living alone anymore either. It's time for some care arrangements to be made.
I think it hurts us more to witness our parents lose their independence, but it is a fact of life.
If we live long enough, we will all get to this point someday.
Slynn24 - you have done the best thing because all he has lost so far is deck, a chimney and the use of a car.
I would explain to Dad how concerned I was. That as a responsible driver, he has obligations - this may include getting an eyesight or health check to resume driving.
My Dad had an accident on a new medication. He had the insight to decide to review his medications before driving again - of which I was very thankful as I was on the edge of taking those keys..
At the 4 month mark, she tripped and fell making her now reliant on a walker.
Looking back, driving a car requires a lot of hand/eye/leg coordination that I just took for granted.
I don't know if you're his son or daughter but it is a tough thing to be the one to take the roll of parent to a parent. But think how you would feel if a child were found under his wheel. Think how he would feel? Think how the mother of that child would feel.
No question it's the necessary thing. You're saving him from a horrific punctuation to his life.
"My foot slipped" is no excuse. "I don't know what happened" is even worse.
Third time's a charm in this case. He's had 3 "incidents" with significant damage, These weren't "love taps" but full blown mistakes. Dangerous mistakes.
Sure it sucks to feel like a mean son, but trust me, you are totally doing what you should. He can learn how to call Uber or Lyft for a ride.