I moved back to my childhood home on the west coast after my mother had a stroke in February. I had been living in NYC for the past 15 years (I'm in my late 30s) working and living my very independent life. I'm an only child (male) and my father is not in the picture.
My mother is a malignant narcissist and I left home as fast as I could after high school. She is a pathological liar, creates chaos wherever she goes (both physically and emotionally - I think she's a borderline hoarder) and is generally an opportunist and dishonest in all aspects of life. I don't know how to describe it, but there's just this very dark, chaotic "energy" that comes off of her when you are physically near her. I've felt it since I was a kid. Despite all of this, I feel extremely emotionally invested in her health and well being when I'm around her. Whatever pain or distress she is in, it's like I absorb it and take it on as my own. I feel like I can't be happy unless she is "ok."
When she first had her stroke, she was in a wheelchair for a few months and had no use of her right leg and arm (no major cognitive damage, though). It was the most stressful time of my life because she was never "ok" and I am all alone here. She has improved quite a bit and can now walk short distances with a cane and has strengthened her right arm considerably, but I still need to be here to cook her meals, do housework, take her to doctor appointments and physical therapy, and generally take care of everything.
But I have been feeling especially unhinged lately, as month after month passes. The mental toll from navigating her chaotic moods and the cruel way she speaks to me is making me feel depressed. I am exhausted from taking care of her, because I also work full time (from home, given the covid situation). I basically try to feel numb so I don't have to think too much and just go about the day like a robot.
The weird thing is, is that no matter how mean and insensitive she is, or how she pushes people out of my life so that she can feel like she has total control over me, I can't help but feel 100% responsible for her and want to do everything I can to get her better. The thought of putting her into assisted living kills me (plus, I don't think she would ever willingly go, and it's so expensive). She has no one else in her life because she is so unpleasant to be around and hasn't developed (or is really capable of) close relationships. I feel sorry for her in this respect, even though her actions have led to her loneliness.
I guess my question is, what can I do to make my situation better, without "divorcing" her? As an only child, I have no one else to turn to for help. I brought a few people to the house to meet her for caregiving help, but my mom was so dismissive of them that I gave up looking. I don't know how to handle her or what steps to take next. Part of me wants to save myself and get the hell out of here, but if I did, I'd be miserable with guilt, and she would just fall apart because she isn't well enough to be independent.
Any advice appreciated, thank you!
Many children of NMs who have siblings talk about how horrible they were treated by those brothers or sisters, and I have no doubt that's true. But what nobody but an only child can possible understand is the huge mental BURDEN that is bestowed upon us by these NMs to be their 'everything.' Their one and only. We are raised to feel responsible for their every bad mood, their every raging moment, their every secret, their every lie, their every hysterical moment that scared us out out of our ever-loving minds. I was just telling my husband tonight how I remember one time my mother was extremely angry about something..........I think I didn't want to eat the 'special' diet food she'd made for me at 9 years old b/c I was 'too fat' to eat what the others were eating............and she proceeded to throw a good number of pots & pans down the basement steps. She went down there after them, and took a hammer to each & every one of them, smashing them into blobs of unrecognizable metal while I was upstairs crying. So that episode of uncontrolled rage was 'my fault' too. I grew up thinking that every breath I took had to be carefully thought about first, to make sure it wouldn't upset my NM.
Know the feeling? I'm sure you do, unfortunately.
All I can tell you is this: Get out of there. Yesterday. Get your NM placed in an Assisted Living Facility where she's paying others to put up with her pathological lies, her negative energy, and her rancid behavior in general.
The best decision I've ever made in my entire 63 years of life on Earth was that I would NEVER, under ANY circumstances, move in with my mother or take her into my home to live with me. Once was enough. Way more than enough.
So she lives in AL, and now in the Memory Care bldg of the AL, and has been in AL since 2014. I manage her entire life FOR her from 4 miles away. I do it all. Finances, ordering, doctors, hospitals, rehabs, sorting out all the lies she tells and the chaos she creates, ALL of it. But I live MY life here in peace. Without all that negative energy she permeates like a black light.
Get counseling if you need it. Read books on the subject. In fact, read this article:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
I found it useful and enlightening. We have several discussions on the subject here on AgingCare as well:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
So, to answer your question, there is only ONE thing you can do to make your situation better without 'divorcing' your mother (that is known as going 'no contact'): you can place her in Assisted Living and live YOUR life from a few miles away, while managing HER life FOR her. That's known as going 'low contact' for those of us who can't or won't go 'no contact.' It's how we survive.
Because these women will live to be 100 or more. Mine is 94 on the 20th of this month & going strong. Chances are, she'll outlive ME at this point. No joke.
Don't be a statistic. Especially when there's nothing you can do to make her happy. It's her goal in life to be unhappy, and to make YOU unhappy. Make no mistake about it.
Wishing you the best of luck figuring out how to make YOUR life better now.
dear lealonnie, i really agree with that.
i wish us all good things.
happy new year 2021! :)
In a nutshell, you need to start therapy.
Your feeling that "If mama isn't okay, I'm not okay" is perhaps an indication that you are in an enmeshed, co-dependent relationship with your mother. It can be hard for you to determine where she ends and you begin.
Therapy will not mean that you are divorcing your mom. It WILL mean that you will learn healthy ways to protect your own health (mental and physical), your ability to make a living and have healthy relationships.
Please start by asking yourself whether you will be able to retire at age 65 with a decent standard of living if you continue down this path for 10 or 15 more years.
Find a therapist by going to Psychology Today's website, by asking your PCP for a recommendation. There are often community-based organizations that do low-cost or sliding scale fees if that is a concern.
I would also encourage you to get your mother seen by a geriatric psychiatrist if she is having mood swings.
Strokes, even when there is not obvious cognitive damage, can wreak havoc with the emotional centers in the brain. Meds csn sometimes help.
Narcissistic people are selfish to the extreme. They do not care what other people's wants or needs are even if, it is their own children. All they see is what THEY want and need and the H3ll with the other people and the consequences to themselves and others. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. My mother doesn't have an honest bone in her body and she steals from me every chance she gets.
You find away to have her taken care of and you go on living your life.
Believe me, I so understand the conflict of emotions you are having. But you can not save someone who doesn't want to be saved! But you sure can save yourself and sometimes that is ALL you can do!
I wish you the best of luck!
Hugs!!!
'You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm'.
Nyc2ca, I feel like I can smell the smoke 😟
Welcome. Please hang around. There may be replies you don't agree with, feel you can't act on or don't fit with your moral compass but getting feedback may help you to find out what direction will be right for you.
"Part of me wants to save myself and get the hell out of here, but if I did, I'd be miserable with guilt,"
These statements shout out your conflicted feelings.
But consider this -- as the years roll on, you may very well kill yourself by continuing to take care of her. Yes -- caregivers can die before their charges. The mental, emotional, and physical stress is real and important.
Please let a therapist help you to see that your life matters, and that you don't have to be your mother's caregiver.
Clearly you resent the position that you are in, and you have valid reasons for feeling as you do.
It doesn’t matter what your mom expects from you.
The only thing that truly matters is what works for each of you.
Do not make her needs more important than yours.
Your needs are equal to your mother’s needs.
How is it helping your mom if you are miserable?
How long can anyone succeed in doing a job that they are miserable in?
Sooner or later you will pay an emotional and physical price for your sacrifice of caregiving.
It’s truly sad if she isn’t capable of being interested in your welfare and peace of mind.
Of course, you cannot change her thoughts or behavior but you can change your reaction to it.
You can free yourself from the ‘hands on’ caregiving and allow others to assume the responsibility.
You can choose to be an advocate for her if you wish.
She needs and deserves proper care. You deserve to live your own life and keep your sanity.
Do you have mom’s permission to speak to her doctor?
If you are able to, speak to your mom’s doctor about her future care.
Ask for a social worker’s contact information to help you arrange for future care.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
Anyone can have sex and many are lucky enough to produce children. Not all of them deserve to be parents. Don’t let her abuse you any more. Your future is in your hands and you can heal. What she is doing to you is abusive in the extreme. Recognise it for what it is. Good luck!
Being that the holidays are right around the corner and many posters are busy, I don't know how many comments you will receive for your question, so I searched and found several threads with questions and situations similar to yours. Most importantly, the feedback and advice for those posters are likely applicable to your case. Below are the links to those threads.
My only advice: Save yourself as you can NOT save her. If you try, you will ruin your life.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-should-i-deal-with-the-uncontrollable-anger-i-feel-towards-my-mum-463813.htm?orderby=recent
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-you-keep-from-losing-patience-with-a-parent-463705.htm?orderby=recent
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-had-unexpected-shoulder-replacement-surgery-and-is-resistant-to-a-caregiver-at-night-im-burnt-463740.htm?orderby=recent
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent
The caregivers are terrific. The activities are plentiful.
Doctors are there once a week. Nurses 24/7.
Podiatrist comes in to care for her feet.
Wonderful meals. Snacks.
Terrific communication between the facility and me.
Perhaps you want to tour a few.
Best wishes.
Anyway, this just popped into my email feed and I see OP has posted a reply yesterday. I see a lot of advice, some from those with a similar relationship.
I would seriously question why you need to give up your job AND life to provide the care. If there are no funds, Medicaid (MediCal if in CA) should be able to provide a place to live and/or care in home. If she has a decent income and assets (home), she could be self-paying until the money runs out, then Medicaid/Cal.
If you don't work now, how will pay living expenses for yourself, cover health insurance, etc now AND cover your expenses and care for yourself in your elder years? SS is based on income over MANY years and if you stop working, it will be a pittance, certainly not enough to live on.
Although the idea sounds great, unless you are independently wealthy, how would you accomplish "... going to a distant foreign country and being totally anonymous -- just a complete absence of responsibility to anyone and anything."? The fact that you are working implies you aren't independently wealthy, so....
Nothing anywhere says you have to take on the care-giver role, whether no one else wants to or not. You CAN ensure she gets the help she needs, either by moving to a facility or getting in-home care. If she needs full time care and you really want nothing to do with it (overseeing everything is an option, but only if YOU choose to take that on), you can hand this off to the state.
You also stated "I feel like I gave up my entire adult life for her." Well, if you stick with this, it could be the rest of your remaining adult life. She's not really that old and can live many more years, post stroke, unless she has other serious medical issues. Even then it could still be years of care.
You don't owe her your life. Even if she were a better mother, past, present and future, you still don't owe her. Helping out is one thing, becoming her only solution to her needs is another. BTW, there is NOTHING wrong with AL. Some people think it's horrible, but many of these places are so nice! They are NOT like NHs can be, Check them out. You might be surprised! It's really a matter of time before she would need a facility. Spend 20 years now doing all the grunt work and take the brow-beating, and then you can be her roomie when the time comes!!!
Personally I would be exploring ALL the options for her care, all those that don't include YOU putting your life on hold. It isn't even just the care, it's "...chaotic moods and the cruel way she speaks to me is making me feel depressed." WHY would you want to continue exposing yourself to this? You got away once, you can do it again, for your own well being! From there, you can stay involved enough to sometimes visit, chat on the phone, send cards and gifts and manage/advocate for her, or you can let the state manage it all.
Since summer is upon us and your job may require you to return, you need to explore how they might work with you while you work things out for your mother. Continue some or all work from home? Request FMLA? Work with them to see how you can keep your job. If they require you to return asap, start hiring people to help your mother.** Those tasks you are doing ANY hired help can do. Aides to assist her, cleaning and laundry services, transport to medical appts, etc.
If you stay and don't change anything, you can expect this to go on as is for 10, 15, 20 years. The only difference is she will progressively become more invalid and dependent as she ages, and you will be at retirement age, with no where to go, no income, etc.
** facility or in-home help should be on her dime OR Medicaid/Cal, NOT your dime. Again, you don't owe her anything, you shouldn't be giving up your life for her unless you like it.
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