14 months ago, my family brought my mom into our home to care for her after my father passed a few months prior. She suffers from extreme depression and anxiety nearly every waking hour from 9 am to 9 pm. She has some of the best psychiatrists over the past 15 years, none of which have been able to help her. She is essentially resistant to all medication. My family consists of my wife, two children and mom. We have full-time caregiving for approximately 60 hours a week. Despite the caregiving support, our home feels as if it has turned into a hospital. My mom grunts, breathes heavily and ruminates off and on throughout the day. You can hear her through the walls even when she is in her room. We have no family support to ease the burden and give us a break. One sibling was emotionally abusive until we decided to care for her. Another is a homeless drug addict and the last remaining one simply refuses to help under the guise that they "can't handle it."
Our once peaceful, loving home now feels as if it is under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy creating tremendous stress among my wife and kids. My wife, who is an empath, and took care of her from morning till night for the first 8 months is beginning to become physically ill from the constant stress.
We have researched assisted living facilities and luxury group homes. Last month, we even decided on a group home. It was beautiful, clean, the caregivers were awesome. The night we brought her was the first time we saw the 9 other residents and it felt like hospice. We brought her home the next day thinking we could power through and make it work, but we can't.
She requires constant supervision. She can go the bathroom and eat. Anything else, she literally needs someone with her. She would not receive the one on one care she needs in an assisted living facility or group. Left to her own, she would lay in her bed all day. She has no desire to live as she has been battling this for years.
Money is not an object, but I really do not know where to turn. I want her to be loved and cared for as best as possible. Not sure if there are upscale nursing homes or what. Any suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.
I vote for the group home you changed your mind about. ALL of these places are going to house people in various stages of what I like to call 'disrepair'. They're old, they're sick, some are wheelchair bound, some can't communicate......it's one thing or another. Your mother grunts, breathes heavily, and ruminates throughout the day HERSELF, so what differentiates her from the rest of the group home residents? She's beyond help, as all the medications and psychiatrists in the world have told you.
It's time for your family to live again, to get your mother out of your home and to take your peaceful loving home BACK. You all deserve it.
Best of luck!
Your mom is going to be miserable NO MATTER WHERE she is living.
Better she moan and lay in bed somewhere else.
Take back your life.
Another thought is you can rent a small apartment near by for her, where she can continue to have caregivers stay with her 24/7 as well. She needs to be out of your house, if having her there is causing your wife to become ill. Wife has to come before mom. Best wishes.
But I have a question. It appears you were impressed with the group home but removed her after a day. You said it felt like hospice. What did you mean? The facility was neat and clean and the caregivers were awesome. You may have passed on a good thing. What were your expectations? The key to a great facility is the caregivers, their interaction and concern for the residents. You might want to revisit that place.
I wish you a successful placement of your mom and your return to a “normal” family life.
Well said!
There's nothing wrong with mom besides anxiety and depression? Put her in a home and let her adjust.
If and when you do place her in another facility, I urge you to ration incoming phone calls from her and only accept such calls for an hour at a fixed time of day...If the caregivers at the facility see something is not right, then they can call you anytime on the facility phone.
At the moment it seems to me that this wonderful but confused elderly lady is the rudder that is steering the family ship...
As you decide what to do, I offer God's
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
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