He goes to bed between 6 to 7 at night and since the pandemic we have no activity.

What kind of things can I get him to do with me at home now? Can’t stand because of pain and can’t go on walks. He could do other things. Please help. I am going downward with him.

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It is hard when relationships change. I am likely at my happiest alone, but like to share at times as well. My fellow and I are often ships passing peacefully. He at his workbench, me in the garden; he at CNN and me reading. My hobbies aren't his. So we have always had an inner life while sharing moments, trips, family, etc together. Covid-19 cuts out so much that was "family". And I can't do my beloved junk shopping now.
If you find things you enjoy alone, doing them will make you tired enough to be able to sit companionably with him and watch a bit of mindless tube.
Any chance for cards, checkers, scrabble, chess, parchessi, backgammon? We sometimes play solitaire alone together! Me at the counter, him at the table.
Wishing you good luck. It is to be noted, we all end alone. One of us will eventually leave the other alone. It is good to have things to do you love. Scrapbooking? art? collage? garden? Writing the world's next great mystery?
I make my own earrings.
Helpful Answer (17)
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
I make jewelry too! It’s fun.
I hate to say this - I went through the same. I finally realized no matter what I suggested or did, it wasn't going to change. So I got very involved in all kinds of clubs and activities which were of interest to me and worked at that. I ended up with new friends and found I could enjoy myself and wasn't so lonely. While it is not what you had hoped for, sometimes this is the ONLY way we have to survive and live. I did it and you can too.
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MaryKathleen Oct 2020
You are right on sister! I used to tell my therapist that I felt my ex was like a lock and I had a handful of keys. If I could just find the right key, everything would be OK. One day I realized if I found the key, he would change the lock. So all my efforts were for nothing. I left. I was 65 when my current hubby talked me into marrying him. He had to talk long and hard, because I was NOT going to do that again. One of the best decisions I ever made. We had 18 years of great times until Alzheimer's entered the picture.
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Have him work on crossword puzzles with you.

Read a Book Together.

Listen to music.

Give each other a Massage.

Watch Home Movies or go thru pucture Albums.

Put together regular puzzles.

Play Cards, Dominos or Board Games.

What about painting a Paint by number?

You may get something to build from a hobby shop like a little boat or put together a model car or airplane while you strung beads for a necklace.

Make a Windchime.

Put your husband in a wheelchair and push him for a ride around the block or at the park.

Go for a nice drive to the beach and smell the fresh air and feed and watch the birds.

Find a Church that has Outside Service where you stay in your car.
Helpful Answer (9)
MAYDAY Oct 2020
Do Not actually push him DOWN the driveway... much too dangerous.
someone asked for help one day. HIs car car wouldn't start. (this was after rolling down the street? never heard him) my first car was a stick. so when you get stuck with a stick, you bump start it. hopefully the street you are on has a slope...
well, I asked if he wanted help. Literally there is a car parts place down the drive. I had my gardening gloves on... before he knew it,I was pushing his lil car down, away from me... this was after he asked if I had cables.. naw... did he have autoclub? no... so I told my dog to stay put... and offered a bit of assistance... he helped a lil until I told him he better jump in, else his car is going to get away from him. A few more seconds... he would have been in a blunder... hope the parts place was able to help...
but i got a few trees out of my yard that I didn't plant
You need you go forward and live your life. I too lived with this for 15 years and married almost 30.. But I just felt if I want to have a life and live it. I just needed to do it. Sign him him up with home care or Respite care...and go have fun. As for myself my spouse never changed or even wanted to compromise, so I ended up leaving and now I have
Content active life living in a RETIREMENT Community with new friends and family and I'm 76yrs. Life is too short
Live it while you can. Yes, I live on less
Money but I'm much happier now.
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Janny50 Feb 22, 2021
You are my hero!!! I am 51, married 7 years now to a man who is only 53, I think we are still young, I don't feel 50, when we were courting we had a ball, danced, trips, games, playing cards and couldn't keep our hands off one another to barely wait till marriage, the night we married things changed, he was rigid and cold & his demeanor is pretty domineering, compromise is not an option and he doesn't even take care of himself and now many of his health issues that I helped him get in check 5 years ago are back, it's like I am married to a 90 year old man, if I don't sit and watch tv with him, there is nothing else, I realized I have gained 30 lbs and not as active as I used to be, I started eating healthier and being more active at home during the pandemic, he was not interested, he has diabetes, HPB, glaucoma, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and he literally sits around all day eating salty foods and just seems apathetic and let's not get to the bedroom which is only used for sleeping at this point because he can't function in that department either, he really says I am no fun and don't laugh with him, but the only thing he talks about is TV shows and I have done that now for 7 years and frankly I am tired, we go on vacation once a year around our anniversary but it's all my effort, when we were courting he planned dates and made reservations, now it's just work, eat and watch tv, repeat, repeat, when I turned 50 last year, I was suddenly filled with this anxiety, I could live to be 80 or 90 and this is how it's going to be forever? I was depressed for many months and we both lost our jobs to no fault of our own, no health insurance to receive counseling or meds and I just about gave up till I read other women's stories like yours in your 60's and 70's that find a way to get on and enjoy life, I am not ready to get in the casket yet it feels like I am living in one just waiting on death to say it's ok go to sleep now. I am fighting for myself daily and I have had so many discussions with him, he says and says but never does, how many years do I waste waiting? I care for him but my eros is gone, My mom said I am selfish because this is marriage, the good and the worst and I feel like he is selfish, worst is beyond your control and I love you enough to make do, this is a choice daily to do absolutely nothing and expect someone to only enjoy what you enjoy and nothing else! I am making plans to divorce, unfortunately! Thank you for sharing, you give me hope!
Have you or has he talked to his doctor about the pain? ware that the pain he has is impacting his life this much?
There is noting in your profile that mentions any medical conditions so these are general comments.
Does he have a wheelchair? You can both get out he can propel himself or you can push him along. Even just along the sidewalk back and forth in front of your house, or around the block would be better than sitting in front of the TV for the same length of time.
If he is resistant and refuses to get up and get moving then....
You go for a walk.
You get in the car and go for a drive, stop at a park, stop at a farm stand and buy some apples and veggies.
Again you do not mention any conditions that would indicate that it would be unsafe for him to be left alone.

Funny thing is the less you move, the more you hurt, the more you hurt the less you move sort of a viscous cycle isn't it? So again my suggestion is to have him see his doctor to get the pain taken care of. the other part of this is or can be Depression. If someone is in a lot of pain and can not do the things they want to do there can be a bit of depression that comes with that and maybe guilt if he is concerned about not being able to do things with you. So possibly a bit of therapy for the depression might help as well and with pain management the two may get better.

But don't wait for him get out and do things for yourself. And if it is not safe to leave him have someone come in and stay with him for a few hours at least 1 time a week so you can get out and get some time to yourself
Helpful Answer (8)
drooney Oct 2020
Great suggestions! If this woman's husband won't at least go for a drive, she needs to give herself some quality time! It should help uplift her spirits.
Think now, there are small group activities at local Senior Centers which you can sign up for in advance. That would help with the lonely feelings. Or call a friend just to connect!
Puzzles? Dice games?

Can your husband hear well? This could be why conversation is kinda nonexistent.

You may have to just get going without him to safe guard your health and wellbeing. Go for a daily walk by yourself or call a friend to join you. Reach out and volunteer.

He may decide that being left alone is not for him and start engaging how he can.

Take care of you!
Helpful Answer (7)
NobodyGetsIt Oct 2020

If her husband is hard of hearing, puzzles would be a very good thing to do because if he doesn't really like or want to talk at least they would be doing something together. I actually like working on puzzles as I find it a great distraction from the bombardment of world events.
This is a common and sad situation.

My Dh talks to me about things of interest almost never. He'd talk POLITICS all day long without taking a breath--but I can't bear to hear the nonstop anger. Nothing he says or feels is relevant to my life, and in fact has amped my anxiety levels to an incredible high. I'm actually on medication to calm my racing heart!! He wants to argue with someone, anyone, so badly, he doesn't care that arguing makes my heart pound and it's PAINFUL.

Last night he wanted to talk about the VP debate. I didn't. He wouldn't stop, so I got up, put in earplugs and went to bed and read. I know he thinks I am using the hyper-anxiety thing as an excuse--but I can't argue with him--I simply don't care enough to do so.

Although he is not elderly and needing my care, he doesn't help out around the house at all, so I am doing double duty, cleaning up after him.

My 'breaks' are long drives alone or time spent with grandkids. The thought of his retirement net year has me in a knot. We WILL be seeking counseling before he can retire.

My kids have already told me that I am welcome to live with them, but not their dad. He is not a bad guy by any means, just myopic when it comes to the desires of other people to have conversations. If we refuse to talk politics with him, he lays on the sofa and looks at FB.

He is nothing like the man I married--it's sad, and I am the one doing all the adjusting. He's content to lay in bed for 2-3 days when he has time off and do nothing. And the TV is often on 24 hours at a time. I lost the 'TV in the bedroom fight' 7 years ago. I moved out. He literally chose a TV over me. That stings, even 7 years later.

He is only 68 and still working FT from home--which has increased the amount of time he spends with the TV on and the news blasting away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
My Lord, Mid!

I don’t blame you for wanting counseling before he retires. You have been through enough.

Sending hugs to you 💓.
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Time for virtual counseling. I would also stop catering to him if you do. Make him get up and do things. If he's 7n that much pain time to visit doc. I bet the doc would day get up and move.

My dad thought I would cater to him. Bring meals into tv room. He wasn't happy he had to get up. But on day 2 he enjoyed the coffee & conversation at the kitchen table. He was thrilled to find out I could record programs. He found the military/history Channel. He was velco'd to the TV after that.

You can also vid chat/call with your extended family, grandkids. Get involved with their interests. Ask lots of questions. Im sure the kids would love to tell you about things. Sometimes parents are too busy to listen. I've seen that a lot. Kids are greatful someone really took an interest and listened.
Can you start a Ladies group of some kind? Early morning walks. Or stretching class somewhere. Or strengthening class with some power bands. Can be real time or virtual. Ti chi. Or get into those ted talks, books that you listen to while you do something else, big puzzles, coloring books for adults. Drive to a new place to check it out.
Or rescue a cat/dog. Something, anything. 1 person can't be your sole focus. I got a dog. You cannot be sad with a new best friend. Looking at you lovingly, or ready for their walk, training, or play time. My dog saved my sanity with so much stress I am under. Taught her all sorts of tricks. She destresses me immediately. Good luck.
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If your husband is 68 and prefers the TV to your company in bed, I’d say your marriage is on the way to the ‘out’ door. You are probably a bit younger, and you could have the rest of your life spent like this. I’d say perhaps give him another chance by stopping virtually everything you do for him and getting out to enjoy yourself. If possible, go away for a while. He might decide that he doesn’t want that – he just wants to do what he wants and have you hanging around as well. He might change if he gets to enjoy only his own company and finds it as boring as it sounds. If he doesn’t change, reconsider the entire relationship. Is there any chance that things might change after the election? You don’t want this for the rest of your life.
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Midkid58 Oct 2020
One would think--but I am in this for the long haul. We do love each other, enough to keep working at this.

He chose the TV over me more like 20 years ago--I put up with it until I began having some health issues and I needed to get 10 solid hours of sleep.

I am 5 years younger. And yes, once the election is over he will calm down. WFH has been a nightmare and a good warning that we cannot co-habit an office. We're planning to move as part of the retirement and he will have a nice office down in the basement where he can do what he wants.

With 5 married kids and 14 beautiful grands, I am trying to count my blessings and take care of me. If he wants to join in, he's welcome, but I no longer fuss him the way I used to. It's not reciprocated and I'm tired.

But I do not believe in divorce over what is really a fixable problem. If HE is willing to meet me halfway.
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Get some hobbies you can enjoy by yourself so you don't have to rely on him
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