He goes to bed between 6 to 7 at night and since the pandemic we have no activity.
What kind of things can I get him to do with me at home now? Can’t stand because of pain and can’t go on walks. He could do other things. Please help. I am going downward with him.
Can your husband hear well? This could be why conversation is kinda nonexistent.
You may have to just get going without him to safe guard your health and wellbeing. Go for a daily walk by yourself or call a friend to join you. Reach out and volunteer.
He may decide that being left alone is not for him and start engaging how he can.
Take care of you!
If her husband is hard of hearing, puzzles would be a very good thing to do because if he doesn't really like or want to talk at least they would be doing something together. I actually like working on puzzles as I find it a great distraction from the bombardment of world events.
First of all, sending you a warm hug through cyber-space. Feelings of isolation and loneliness can be very depressing and I can see why you are distressed.
As to how you can get your husband to be more engaging, the puzzle idea sounds like an idea to try. In fact, a way to make it even more engaging is to have a puzzle made of one of your (and his) favorite pictures. Here is a link where you can upload a picture and order a puzzle:
https://www.snapfish.com/photo-puzzle-with-box-details#!/pdpview
For your own mental health can you make arrangements to see a friend, let's say once a week, for a walk outside, or some other activity you could do while still being cautious about covid?
In the evenings when your husband sleeps what about engaging with online groups? Do you have a Facebook account? If so search for groups that interest you. Reach out to your local church if you belong to one. Also let your friends and others know that you would like to have some company. Sometimes people just don't know, so they don't think to offer. Do you have family or friends you can video chat with with either Zoom or FaceTime?
And there is always this forum too. Keep posting and reaching out. People here care.
But we never had problems with people only the design of the stalls.
I felt lonely and isolated as a full time caregiver. Many people do. I also felt like I was going down. It’s normal because our activities slow down to a halt. We miss being active. It’s normal for you to miss the interaction with your husband.
What did you like to do before you were his caregiver? Is it possible to do some of those things without him? I know that you want him to join you but he isn’t able to do what he did when he was well.
What do you feel that he can still do? Have you spoken to him about this? If so, what was his response?
Did either of you participate in a senior center before? If so, what did you like there? Can you do some of these things at your home?
Do you get a break from caregiving? Of course, you love him but everybody needs a break to spend with others.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
My Dh talks to me about things of interest almost never. He'd talk POLITICS all day long without taking a breath--but I can't bear to hear the nonstop anger. Nothing he says or feels is relevant to my life, and in fact has amped my anxiety levels to an incredible high. I'm actually on medication to calm my racing heart!! He wants to argue with someone, anyone, so badly, he doesn't care that arguing makes my heart pound and it's PAINFUL.
Last night he wanted to talk about the VP debate. I didn't. He wouldn't stop, so I got up, put in earplugs and went to bed and read. I know he thinks I am using the hyper-anxiety thing as an excuse--but I can't argue with him--I simply don't care enough to do so.
Although he is not elderly and needing my care, he doesn't help out around the house at all, so I am doing double duty, cleaning up after him.
My 'breaks' are long drives alone or time spent with grandkids. The thought of his retirement net year has me in a knot. We WILL be seeking counseling before he can retire.
My kids have already told me that I am welcome to live with them, but not their dad. He is not a bad guy by any means, just myopic when it comes to the desires of other people to have conversations. If we refuse to talk politics with him, he lays on the sofa and looks at FB.
He is nothing like the man I married--it's sad, and I am the one doing all the adjusting. He's content to lay in bed for 2-3 days when he has time off and do nothing. And the TV is often on 24 hours at a time. I lost the 'TV in the bedroom fight' 7 years ago. I moved out. He literally chose a TV over me. That stings, even 7 years later.
He is only 68 and still working FT from home--which has increased the amount of time he spends with the TV on and the news blasting away.
I don’t blame you for wanting counseling before he retires. You have been through enough.
Sending hugs to you 💓.
If you find things you enjoy alone, doing them will make you tired enough to be able to sit companionably with him and watch a bit of mindless tube.
Any chance for cards, checkers, scrabble, chess, parchessi, backgammon? We sometimes play solitaire alone together! Me at the counter, him at the table.
Wishing you good luck. It is to be noted, we all end alone. One of us will eventually leave the other alone. It is good to have things to do you love. Scrapbooking? art? collage? garden? Writing the world's next great mystery?
I make my own earrings.
He chose the TV over me more like 20 years ago--I put up with it until I began having some health issues and I needed to get 10 solid hours of sleep.
I am 5 years younger. And yes, once the election is over he will calm down. WFH has been a nightmare and a good warning that we cannot co-habit an office. We're planning to move as part of the retirement and he will have a nice office down in the basement where he can do what he wants.
With 5 married kids and 14 beautiful grands, I am trying to count my blessings and take care of me. If he wants to join in, he's welcome, but I no longer fuss him the way I used to. It's not reciprocated and I'm tired.
But I do not believe in divorce over what is really a fixable problem. If HE is willing to meet me halfway.
There is no right or wrong in these times. change up the schedule...
do you both work? If so, find another SLOT OF TIME for you.
yes, I know, I live that same situation too.. I still have not found a "solution".. If you do, please let me know...
Seriously? God, Just turn off the TV if an issue with marriage has something to do with trump, biden or west,,
that is seriously dope stupid. '"THE ELECTION" should not determine a couple's love, life, or living... good gracious.... SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET A LIFE,,,,,
COVID ... yes, that puts a strain on the WORLD.... hello... a lot of people...
" STAY CALM.... PUT ON (mask) .... CARRY ON....honestly...
and if you feel you need to be noticed... PUT on eye makeup.. like it'sHalloween..
Or, day of the Dead, Blue Mascara, gold mascara>.. "spooky"
treasure island. Make up your own eye glamour face experience... all black mascara... all over the top of your face...litarrly... above the crown eyes.. who knows.
PUMPKIN EYES.. PIRATE EYES, CAT EYES, red glowy sunglass eyes...
get paints, and canvas,,, start your own creative museum... E
I don't have answsers... pain exists, and it controls us... physically, mentally, and it is real...
when spouse gets in too much pain,, I bury and water plants... give them berth.. a wide space to allow it to release......
Just know, if they yell for you,,, you don't "need" to answer. You do not need to attend every "party you are invited to".. Ignore and plant, plants.
just read the part about arguing about TV and politics...
jus tell him to go vote, nothing else can be done
Yes, earl\plugs are good, and so are long solo baths... lock that door, pour in bubble bath juice, dim lights, and relax. or put in ear pods when around him, and apologize that you are in a conversation with someone... you will talk with him in a few.... minutes, hours.... yup, you get it... make your own free time/space...
Start baking... don't care... make it burn a bit.. and that will be your note to cut out of any disgruntled arguments you do not want to listen to... sorry dear,, something is burning... got to get to it before oven explodes...
SQUIRREL !!
If you get too upset,,, throw one at his thigh right above the knee...
no real damage, it just sticks until they pull it out.. I never played darts with that person again. I hate needles... Now I remember why.
Time for some talk. Together decide on when to turn off the TV or how much tv is OK during the day. Use a timer and when it goes off, finish the program and tv goes off. Consider reading a book together or learning about nature, science, or how things are made or done. Plan for a trip after COVID is no longer a problem. Call family or friends and have a group conversation.
Address the pain. Get an appointment to see his doctor. If need be, ask the doctor for a specialist referral. Try physical therapy, walking/exercising in a pool, losing weight, medications, surgery... I have arthritis in knees and hands. I take Aleve, use Voltaren gel, try do my physical therapy exercises and stay active, and have had corrective surgery on my hands. Do I have pain? Yes, but will not let it rule my life.
Content active life living in a RETIREMENT Community with new friends and family and I'm 76yrs. Life is too short
Live it while you can. Yes, I live on less
Money but I'm much happier now.
My dad thought I would cater to him. Bring meals into tv room. He wasn't happy he had to get up. But on day 2 he enjoyed the coffee & conversation at the kitchen table. He was thrilled to find out I could record programs. He found the military/history Channel. He was velco'd to the TV after that.
You can also vid chat/call with your extended family, grandkids. Get involved with their interests. Ask lots of questions. Im sure the kids would love to tell you about things. Sometimes parents are too busy to listen. I've seen that a lot. Kids are greatful someone really took an interest and listened.
Can you start a Ladies group of some kind? Early morning walks. Or stretching class somewhere. Or strengthening class with some power bands. Can be real time or virtual. Ti chi. Or get into those ted talks, books that you listen to while you do something else, big puzzles, coloring books for adults. Drive to a new place to check it out.
Or rescue a cat/dog. Something, anything. 1 person can't be your sole focus. I got a dog. You cannot be sad with a new best friend. Looking at you lovingly, or ready for their walk, training, or play time. My dog saved my sanity with so much stress I am under. Taught her all sorts of tricks. She destresses me immediately. Good luck.
There is noting in your profile that mentions any medical conditions so these are general comments.
Does he have a wheelchair? You can both get out he can propel himself or you can push him along. Even just along the sidewalk back and forth in front of your house, or around the block would be better than sitting in front of the TV for the same length of time.
If he is resistant and refuses to get up and get moving then....
You go for a walk.
You get in the car and go for a drive, stop at a park, stop at a farm stand and buy some apples and veggies.
Again you do not mention any conditions that would indicate that it would be unsafe for him to be left alone.
Funny thing is the less you move, the more you hurt, the more you hurt the less you move sort of a viscous cycle isn't it? So again my suggestion is to have him see his doctor to get the pain taken care of. the other part of this is or can be Depression. If someone is in a lot of pain and can not do the things they want to do there can be a bit of depression that comes with that and maybe guilt if he is concerned about not being able to do things with you. So possibly a bit of therapy for the depression might help as well and with pain management the two may get better.
But don't wait for him get out and do things for yourself. And if it is not safe to leave him have someone come in and stay with him for a few hours at least 1 time a week so you can get out and get some time to yourself
Think now, there are small group activities at local Senior Centers which you can sign up for in advance. That would help with the lonely feelings. Or call a friend just to connect!
Read a Book Together.
Listen to music.
Give each other a Massage.
Watch Home Movies or go thru pucture Albums.
Put together regular puzzles.
Play Cards, Dominos or Board Games.
What about painting a Paint by number?
You may get something to build from a hobby shop like a little boat or put together a model car or airplane while you strung beads for a necklace.
Make a Windchime.
Put your husband in a wheelchair and push him for a ride around the block or at the park.
Go for a nice drive to the beach and smell the fresh air and feed and watch the birds.
Find a Church that has Outside Service where you stay in your car.
someone asked for help one day. HIs car car wouldn't start. (this was after rolling down the street? never heard him) my first car was a stick. so when you get stuck with a stick, you bump start it. hopefully the street you are on has a slope...
well, I asked if he wanted help. Literally there is a car parts place down the drive. I had my gardening gloves on... before he knew it,I was pushing his lil car down, away from me... this was after he asked if I had cables.. naw... did he have autoclub? no... so I told my dog to stay put... and offered a bit of assistance... he helped a lil until I told him he better jump in, else his car is going to get away from him. A few more seconds... he would have been in a blunder... hope the parts place was able to help...
but i got a few trees out of my yard that I didn't plant
I have recently taken up quilting and I put a folding table in the room where he is while I stand and cut out fabric pieces for my quilt. It helps me to get up and move some otherwise I start hurting from sitting too much too.
Can your hubby be alone? If not, find someone to sit with him for a few hours here and there so you can get out for your own mental health. Go for a drive. For a walk. To the store. Out for a bite to eat.
Has hubby been evaluated to see why he's so listless (IMHO)?
Take care of yourself, not just him!
If he isn't interested, stop beating your head against the wall and make a life for yourself. You said he can't walk. Does that mean walk at all? Is he bedridden? If he is bedridden, get respite help and get out of the house. Go online and join a group of people who share your interests. There is everything out there from chicken and horse groups to sewing and crafts groups. If you have friends, find a restaurant and go to lunch. There is a sandwich where I live that has a beautiful patio, we can sit the 6' apart thing and talk to each other. Your local Counsel on Ageing can help you find respite help.
Of course, this group is always here for you. ((Hugs)).
What would you be doing to entertain yourself if you did not have a husband at all?
If your husband can be left alone, you can look for COVID safe activities of your own outside the home. If you cannot go out on your own, try some of the at-home activities suggested by people like bevthegreat!
Does he have a time of day where pain is not so bad? Perhaps that time of day might be good to take advantage of something he might enjoy.
What kind of things did you do, before pain issues, when the two of you were just hanging around the house? Or was it about the same? Do you have to be in the house with him 24/7? If not, make plans for yourself - go do the things you like to do and see if you can't round up a friend to go with you. The longer you sit indoors with him, the further away from friendships you will be. If he needs someone with him - then schedule something you'd like to do and hire a caretaker for several hours, all day, etc. You are going to spiral down and lose your own ability to get around if you continue as you are. If nothing else, plan two trips a year for yourself and a friend/family member and go enjoy a week's vacation.
Oh yeah - is he supposed to be walking a little for exercise and he chooses not to do it? You might talk with him about in home physical therapy to maintain movement. If both of you get down due to withering away, you won't be able to care for someone who can't even walk anymore for long. Everyone is going to suffer.