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I’ve been a member of this board for many months but unable to read the topics because they are so scary and upsetting but I’m desperate.


spouse has behavioral variant fronto temporal dementia (bvFTD) 6 yrs into Dx.
cannot work
no income
he is extremely violent at times, has nearly killed me 3 times (I’m Currently covered in bruises)
no familial support or local support
will have $0 in less than 90 days but cannot get assistance because we are falling from middle class to poverty. Because the taxes look like everything is “okay” we cannot be considered for anything.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse so this is triggering me to the point of madness, I don’t know where to start. Everywhere I go is a dead end. I’m losing hope, need to work but have disabilities.


Someone, please tell me I’m going to survive this. I do not see a path ahead.

Either you have money or you do not. So I don't understand your saying you do not qualify because taxes look okay.
The time to call EMS is NOW while you are covered with bruises. You should have a diary as well. You will then tell the local hospital of the diagnosis and that you cannot allow your husband home again because of his attacks on you; that you are in fear for your life. Do not listen to the social workers promises of "making this work" and "getting you help". They cannot and they will not and they will want him off their hands.
As to placement, that will go along as it goes along. You will require an Elder Law Attorney to help you to separate out your income. You may consider a legal separation to help save your own assets for yourself. This will require some money of course, will come from your or your husband's next social security check.
It is time for placement. No one should live with abuse. If you need to leave and report him as a senior in need of assistance and wellness checks, then do so. But for me "I would be calling the EMS ambulance on 911 this second, and displaying my bruises when I do so. In fact I would myself go to the ER with my injuries, which would then be documented. The harder he fights the ambulance folks the more certainly he will be hauled to the ER. Then see to it that he is not returned to your home. You honestly have no other choice that I can imagine.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Tobey, if the is your real name, then please change it to something anonamous.
You have 2 problems.
Your husband is violent. You need to call 911and to save yourself, you need to separate and seek a women's shelter. Yes divorce frequently impoverishes the spouse but the social services that you receive will help you get back on your feet.
Husbands FTD is more than you can understand or tolerate. Once you call 911, and separate, tell officials that he is also no longer safe. The beat place for him is in a facility. Staff can help him get on Medicaid
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Reply to MACinCT
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Hi To Be Or Not,
I can identify with you in every way as my hubby just died from Frontotemporal Dementia this past Dec 8th. He had a mix of the behavioral and speech variants. He passed away in the 6th year after diagnosis. I found myself in the same dire situation you are in. I was blessed that I found a doctor who had been working with Alzheimer’s and other brain decease patients for 27 years in 2017. He set up a medication treatment plan that allowed me to keep him at home until his passing. My hubby was this doctors 12th FTD case in 27 years. He said of his 12 patients, they averaged living 2 to 4 years after diagnosis. Obviously no one can know in any given patient, but that gave me an idea of how to plan. It was not at all easy and there were days I wondered if I could outlast the stress of caring for him. It seemed I had to fight or argue just to get his teeth brushed. I dont have a lot of answers, but I’ll share something with you that I wish I had known in my hubby’s last months..... I watched my hubby’s body closely to see if I could see any signs or changes that could or would indicate to me WHERE he might be in the progression of his FTD. I think not knowing or even a good guess of duration is a huge part of what makes FTD so hard to manage. I mean when you love someone usually you can do most anything for awhile! My hubby’s body remained completely healthy even to his death. Now his brain was a totally different story. He began to fall randomly just walking across the floor or while going to the bathroom. Again, his body was in perfect health. On Thanksgiving Day, after a fall into our tub that bloodied his head, I asked his PA to send us a hospital bed out of fear that he was going to break a bone and that would open a whole new set of problems. So He got into the hospital bed which was in our den/main living area so he would be in the middle of everything and I helped him put on adult huggies (I called them special underwear fyi) so he wouldnt need to get up he unless he chose to. He stopped eating almost immediately but continued drinking and taking his meds for about 8 days, then he was not able to swallow his meds and it was extremely painful for him to even drink water. I catered to his every need from trying to give him yogurt to putting his meds in applesauce so he could swallow them as long as possible. He passed away after 12 days in his hospital bed all under hospice care..... they were amazing. If you havent yet, you might consider calling them in now. There are things you can put in place that you have never thought of that may help keep him calm. The point Im making is it doesnt matter how healthy his body is or appears to be, if his brain is past the point of telling his body how to walk, talk go to potty etc he likely won’t be able to live a lot longer. When I observed my husband, all I could think was, “ I dont think I can do this 10 more years” completely unaware that he would be gone by Christmas. You must keep yourself safe. Part of my putting hubby in a hospital bed was to help me manage him, though I told him it was so he could be really comfortable. He loved it! That meant I had to not leave him at all, but after he died, I knew I had done the right things. I could set him up to eat and watch tv, but he couldnt just jump up due to the side rails without my knowing and my help....Again dont know if any of this is helpful, but I know the lonely isolated road you are on and my prayers are for your wisdom and strength. If you do nothing else, this day call hospice..... tell hubby his insurance is sending a nurse or PA to check on him as he may not think hospice as a good thing. They will assess him and you may be pleasantly surprised. They cared for my man less than one month and I only wish I had known to call them sooner, much much sooner! When his brain stops working as it appears from your writing, his body will follow not far behind. Prayers & Blessings
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Reply to NeesaLee
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MargaretMcKen May 11, 2021
That's an amazing post, and I hope that OP can follow it up with you. I'm impressed!
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Tobey, please Please PLEASE call 911 to have your husband removed from the home. Let them know when you call him that he has dementia. DO NOT let the hospital release him to go home - STAND YOUR GROUND and say "NO, it is not a safe environment for me or him." Tell the Social Worker at the hospital that he can not come home - he is a danger to you and himself and he needs placement. Document your injuries and his behavior.

Seek our services from your Area Council on Aging or whatever it is called in your area; or seek out your county's social services. If you belong to a church see if they can assist you - if not check your local churches for assistance.

If you have to leave home immediately for a women's shelter where you will be safe and they can help you find the services you need.

May you find safety and be blessed with peace and grace.
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Reply to cweissp
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I agree with everything MACinCT posted to you.

Yes, a good strategy is to actually report the abuse so that he can be removed from your home. Take pictures of ALL your bruises. He will hopefully be taken to the hospital. If the hospital calls to discharge him back into your home, you must be *very adamant* that it would be an "unsafe discharge" and you have the pictures of your bruises to prove it. Resisting him being discharged back to your home means social services will being pursuing guardianship of him and they will work to relocate him into a facility where he will the care he needs.

In the meantime (if you have not already done this) call social services to discuss what services may be available to you. Also contact your local area's Agency on Aging to see what resources they suggest. If your spouse does end up back in your home, you should really consider a women's shelter. They have people there who can advise you on next steps to help yourself. You need to be around people who will help protect you and point you in the proper directions.

You can also call local churches even if you are not a member of their congregation. Many churches have outreach ministries to their community and benevolent funds to help those in need. Call their main offices and tell them your dilemma and who would be the best person to contact. Keep calling churches.

Nowadays there is online counseling services, which is better than nothing. You are connected to an actual therapist. You need an objective person to speak encouragement, objectivity and wisdom into your life. Just do one little thing to move yourself forward every day. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. May you receive peace in your heart and mind.
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Reply to Geaton777
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This is untenable and I hope you’ll take the good advice given already. Not matter the diagnosis or the finances no one deserves abuse. Call 911 and have him taken to the hospital. Don’t pick him up, his care is beyond what’s safe for you to provide. If he comes back anyway, leave. I wish you the best in changing this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I agree, you need to call 911 and report husband. He needs a pyschic unit where he can be put on Meds and monitored for a while. Then...you refuse to take him back into the home saying u are afraid for your life. Get pictures of those bruises. FLD is the worst because of the violence that can come about. Tell them he needs to be transferred to a LTC facility because u can no longer care for him. Medicaid can be applied for his care. More to this concerning you but we can go into that when he is out of the house.

I have gotten services for both my Mom and my disabled nephew and never have I been asked for income tax paperwork. Any bank statements, SS statement you get at the first of the year and pay stubs, usually just the recent months worth. When you get him out of the house, then you need to go to your County Social Service Dept and see what services you can get for yourself.

At a point, you may need to allow the State to take over his care. They will appt a guardian for him. Things will move faster if they are in charge. This is not the man u married. "In sickness or in health" does not apply here. You cannot care for someone with this type of Dementia. It could mean ur life.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Get out now. Sell your house. Get your husband on state aid an into a home. So you can live again.
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Reply to Twisted
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To start with, there's income from somewhere otherwise you and your husband would have been living in the street for the last six years. Why can't you work? If there are legitimate conditions for why you're unable to, then that can be documented by doctors and you'd collect disability.
If he's nearly killed you three times and you're covered in bruises now, then I'd say it's time to get the hell out of there. Don't even take a chance and call the cops on him because it's not worth the risk.
It's tough if you have no family support, but not impossible. Every community has some type of emergency services for domestic abuse. You might have to live in a shelter for abused women for a while, but you will be away from your abuser and they will help you with resources and assistance. They will put you in touch with the right people who can help you put your husband in a care facility, Please call your state's domestic abuse hotline. They will help you out.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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What was the medication treatment plan?
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Reply to NormieGates
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