I am done. I want to pack up my stuff and just leave.

BasicTakes - do update us on how things go. We wish for the best for you....

ArtistDaughter,

You bring up wonderful points. It really is about what the OP decides is acceptable for him. If we see writing on the wall, we need to pay attention to it. You were wise to end that relationship.

I have done the same as you in past relationships and chose to end the relationship. I never thought about changing anyone else’s behavior, instead I focused on what I feel about the situation.

I have seen so many people beating a dead horse, thinking that they can change their partner’s behavior.

No one has any control over another person’s behavior, especially if they are dealing with mental health issues. There are people who refuse to go to therapy or take medication.

Some people don’t even recognize that they have a problem. They will blame everyone else instead of looking at themselves.

We have to look at what we are willing or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away.

I once left a relationship because the other person developed, or maybe had already had, a mental illness. I knew I could not cope with it. Not his fault. I loved him and when it was good, it was very very good, but when he flipped out over only what he imagined, not what was real, I could not see myself going on with it. I talked with his therapist, my friends who were in similar situations, my family, everyone, and it all came down to what I could do and couldn't do. And I couldn't do that. I then took care of my mom for over 10 years and the husband I married at the first of doing that care was not sure he could handle it. I didn't include him in the care for a long time, until he himself wanted to take part in the care. We did okay, but we were in our 60's at the time. I placed her in assisted living eventually when she became a danger to herself and her home. But the care went on from that. I think you see a future in this marriage that you do not want for yourself. Your decision isn't going over well with your family, but only you know what you can do and can't do.

HI Basic,

So sorry to hear what you're going thru. I think it's important for you to take a step back and change your environment and find your own space. Give yourself a chance to regroup. Sometimes things are easiest being done in steps so nothing feels so abrupt. Since you mentioned that you're financially doing well, are you able to find a furnished apartment for a few months? You can still see your wife and keep things amicable - she can experience what it's like to take care of her mother full time on her own ...and you can take time for yourself. Time apart will give you both a chance to see your situations clearer. And, at that point, you'll have more clarity (as will she) as to the next steps. And at that point, if you feel more sure about getting a divorce, it should be somewhat easier emotionally at that point having had been apart for several months.

It's understandable that taking care of her mother has taken a toll on you - it's a lot to handle and your wife needs to understand that. Wishing you all the very best - and I think it's a really good thing that you're taking steps forward now in taking care of your own well being.

I would like to say just a bit more. First, has your mother-in-law’s doctor looked at things like nutrition? There are many things that can contribute to dementia, but there was a major player in my own family, and that was thiamine deficiency. It caused Parkinson’s and dementia in my father, and hydrocephalus (fluid pressure on the brain) and dementia in my mother. Doctors are finally starting to test for this more routinely. But most think that the only cause of encephalopathy/hydrocephalus is heavy drinking, and that is not true. High levels of stress and unbalanced nutrition will cause it too, as it did in my family. My doctor thinks we have a genetic component at play as well, as all three siblings are showing signs of this. But I encourage you to look at things like nutrition if you haven’t already.

Second, this situation sounds nearly impossible for the two of you to handle on your own. This isn’t a case of you not trying hard enough, or not having the emotional strength to stay in the game. Are there no other family members? In my father’s hometown, where all of his relatives lived, there were several with big health issues. Many relatives would each do just a little, but everyone tried to participate as they were able. This made all the difference. The full burden was not put on one person or on one marriage. That’s really the crux of this problem in my opinion— I am not one of those who is rashly saying to place your MIL, but I do know from experience what you are dealing with. There is a big big problem, too big for two young adults. Placement is necessary not because you were selfish, but because this is impossible for you two to handle on your own.

I see you have decided on divorce. I would still encourage you and your wife to contact a placement specialist and get an expert involved. I said this before, but will repeat this again, as it was a major mistake that I made. There are people who deal with this stuff ALL DAY LONG. They will have ideas about what to do. Your wife is probably emotionally frozen and not able to make good decisions right now, and you are probably the same. I know I certainly was. Getting an expert on board would probably be very valuable.

Whatever you decide in this very hard situation, I wish you the best of luck.

Your recent answers to our queries and our suggestions say that you have settled in your own mind, and are now certain that you wish to divorce your wife.

You question above doesn't reflect that decision, so I am thinking that you have only recently made it?
If that is so, I would sit with your decision a while. Then discuss it with your wife and move forward with your own life.

I wish you the very best.

Basic.

You are the only person who knows your wife. No one should be making assumptions about your wife regarding her intentions before your marriage.

It’s clear that you fell in love with your wife. You said that you don’t regret marrying her. You don’t dislike her mother.

You stated that your friends warned you not to marry her. You didn’t say why your friends warned you about this marriage. So, we are in the dark about their feelings. For all we know, they could be prejudiced.

Of course, you are dissatisfied with your current situation. You have every reason to be upset about your circumstances as they stand now.

Since you aren’t able to make headway with your wife by yourself, please ask her to speak with a therapist in couples counseling. The therapist can act as a mediator in your relationship. That may be the only option in resolving this problem.

You are young. It’s hard to have to share your wife with her mother at such a young age. I’m very sorry that you are dealing with this situation.

If counseling doesn’t work then you have to decide what you want to do. Your wife will have lost her marriage and I seriously doubt that she will be able to continue to care for her without your help. She’s going to lose either way.

It’s tough because I know that you understand that she loves her mom dearly. She can’t have it both ways because her devotion to her mother is causing issues in your marriage which certainly isn’t fair to you.

There will be little alimony in the case of marriages lasting fewer than 10 years. I’m guessing that’s you based on your being 28. You will have to give her half the property/investments acquired during the marriage and that’s all. She will have to work and mil will be placed anyway.

Good luck Basic with whatever you decide. There are no easy choices here for you and I can tell by your other comments that you really do love your wife but the living situation is just not going to work for you. It is a very difficult place to be in and it really does take courage for someone to do what is right for themselves even if it means leaving behind a person they care about. I am sorry if I came across combative rather than supportive to you in other posts below.

I wish you strength for the road ahead Basic.

Before then, please re-read KNance's suggestion. The one to stay away somewhere for a month.

I think this is an excellant idea. It's a strong message saying
*I am serious - please hear me*.
It will give you space.
It will give your wife a dose of reality.
Make a weekly telephone call maybe..
But it won't burn your bridge down just yet.

Your wife sounds like a sweet lady really. Caring but blinded by the enmeshed mother-daughter bond.
Those Myer-Briggs personality tests have an axis on thoughs vs feelings (T vs F). She would be probably be at the F end. Basing decisions on personal values, rather than logic.

By leaving for a month, your wife will experience the FULL load of caregiving.

Ignore extended family saying this is cruel. Well maybe it is.. being cruel to be kind. They do it in rehab facilities, for just this thing. When caregivers are adamant they will take their LO home. When they do not listen to the care needs do not let reason or logic in, decide with their feelings.
It works!

They LIVE it. REAL LIFE changes their mind. They start to get angry.. they can't do what they wanted to do. Can't cure the disease, stop it's progression, make their LO whole again. GRIEF at what health their LO has lost starts to happen.

Is a month in a hotel/air bnb worth a go?

Basic,

No one can predict the future. I understand what you’re saying about your wife. She wants to please her mom but she feels caught between you and her mother. Of course, she should place you first. You are a patient man who loves his wife. There is no right or wrong way to see this situation. It’s about choosing what is best for you.

Neither of you anticipated any of this occurring. No one thinks about these things when they are young and in love.

Surprises happen unexpectedly and it’s hard to know how to handle it.

Things are hard to explain in an online forum. No facial expressions are seen, no one can hear another’s tone of voice. Misunderstandings occur. People make assumptions. Online forums are good and bad.

Have you spoken with someone face to face about this issue? I would consider asking your wife to attend marriage counseling and if she won’t go, you should still go by yourself.

Forget about what anyone here says. There are people who will not divorce their spouse no matter how miserable they are. There are others who will divorce their spouses at the drop of a hat without any counseling. There are people who will make a million excuses for not going to counseling.

You are the only person who can decide what is best for you in your situation.

Figure out what is best and move forward. You love your wife. You don’t hate your mother in law. You’re just stuck in a crappy situation. No matter what you choose it’s not going to be easy.

Be true to yourself. This is a huge test for your wife. She will have to choose between you and her mom should you find that it’s best that she not live in your home anymore.

It’s always harder to have family living with us. My mom lived with us. No matter how much we care about each other, these situations will always place a strain on relationships.

Plus, people who have never walked in your shoes will never fully understand what you are going through. How could they? I didn’t know how hard things would be until I was living with my circumstances.

So, take everything with a grain of salt and go to therapy where you can find an objective opinion from a licensed therapist.

Wishing you all the best.

Well ,

Good Luck to you Basic . You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
You see this is not working for you and a change is needed, whether your wife comes to her senses or you leave .

I do not believe your wife is doing this out of malice or that it was a preconceived plan . I think she is so lost in the caregiving of her mother , leaving you behind , and at the same time may not realize that you are being taken advantage of . I think since touring facilities, your wife has decided to stay home and take care of her mother rather than go to work and put her Mom in a facility , even when her mother is “ worse” and can be accepted in a Medicaid facility . That is not fair to you .

And don’t be so hard on yourself . I think you are a nicer guy than you are giving yourself credit for . These situations break up marriages when one spouse , in this case your wife , is more dedicated to her parent than she is to the marriage .

I totally get it. I'm doing everything on my own with no help or money. No gratitude etc. I've wanted to walk out numerous times.

I feel the same. Family not helping and I have total burnout. I've wanted to leave so many times. I just retired and now all of a sudden I'm my mothers care provider doing everything on my own. It sucks.

Basic, I've read your posts with sympathy and understanding. Your thinking processes are good, and you're intelligently charting a course forward. I wish that you and your wife could stay together, but I understand why this is an impossible situation for you.

One of your statements stands out. You wrote, "My wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more."

That's so sweet. It's clear that you love her. But I keep coming back to my first thought when I read it, which is that your wife is caring, loving, and giving. Clearly she's that way with her mother. But when she knows you are in distress and hurting, she isn't that way with you. You are in need now, you are suffering because of her actions, and she won't help YOU.

You seem like a treasure. I'll leave you with that thought.

Too many unanswered questions by OP. Has mother lived with them since they were first married? The word Uni is not a common American phrase either.

Well, if you choose to go ahead with a divorce, please don't just wait until all the paperwork is done and then slam you wife with the 'done deal'.

I feel for your conflicted state. You are still so young. Breaks my heart to hear of someone breaking up a marriage over something like this. My MIL was no angel, far from it, and she almost caused me to divorce my DH. There was a point where I did tell him to leave and to move in with his mom b/c that's where his heart really was.

Maybe you can move out to a long-term stay hotel and just live a 'single' life for a month or two. Go to work, find yourself doing things you enjoy and keep contact with your wife and her mom as minimal as you can. See how you feel after a couple months.

Staying in this marriage, they was it is now? You could be looking at 30+ years of CG.

I would hope your wife would attend some therapy sessions with you. Most divorces do include some kind of counseling. Your wife is undoubtedly aware that her mother being the 3rd wheel in your marriage is not a good idea, but you've been going along, keeping up the facade of a happy marriage for too long.

Whatever your final decision, I hope it brings you peace.

If I am being honest I do not regret marrying my wife or think what I did was a mistake. We dated for a long time before, she has been the only person I have been with. I would gladly support my wife and become her caregiver in a heartbeat, tbh I would have also done the same for her mother if it just happened later in life.

Her mom is a cool person, she was not always sick. Shit happens that is all, I know my wife did not plan for this. I know she will be hurt by my choice. I make a decent living and have a high earning potential if I had the money I would gladly pay for a higher end faciality.

When I say being a good person does not pay, I do not mean in terms of reward. It just sometimes does not pay to do the right thing. The right thing here would be to stick to the understanding I made when I married my wife when she told me about her intent for care for her mom. Doing that would destroy me as a person.

I never thought she would get sick, she was always full of life and vitality. This disease robbed my wife of her mother, and life. I know this is far from her ideal situation, and I do not like that I cannot just push through and smile letting love conquer it all.

For what it is worth, please curb the theories that my wife is doing this out of malice. Yes, I am taking a back seat, but my wife has always been one of the most caring and loving people I know. She is the type of person that would give her last dollar to someone else in need because they need it more. I thought I could maintain the same, but I did it for different reason. I did all of this because I love my wife, and wanted to be with her forever. She does this because she cares. Yes she has a sense of entitlement, it is her mother who would not want what is best for their mother. She has every right to be entitled, does not mean she is going to get what she wants, but she has the right to feel the way she does.

I am also not going to make her choose between marriage or her mother, that is not my style. I rather her hate me for leaving, instead of hating me for making her stay. I will always love my wife, I do not even know if I will ever love someone as I love her. I hate the situation but not her. I mostly hate myself because of my own weakness.

My family saying the things they do because they are just going through the paces. If I divorce, logically I would seek some kind of partnership or whatever in the future. I can see their argument how it would awkward conversation when brought up. I am going to be honest, I just could not deal with the burden of caring for someone with dementia. At the core this is what this is about, I would gladly do all of this if my wife was sick, in a heartbeat. For whatever reason I just cannot find myself willing to keep doing the same for her mom.

You should really get the primary care Physician involved and ask for a social worker . My social worker came to the house with elder services because I really Needed support and a intervention .

Here is the brutal truth: You married into your wife's family. However, you didn't promise for better or for worse to your MIL. If you were driving your wife around because it helps with her anxiety, then I might buy into this whole "vows, better or worse business." However, driving MIL around because SHE has insomnia...no. You are the primary source of income in the house and you have to be ready to work. You cannot be effective at work and be a caregiver to two people (face it, if your wife is soooo disabled by her anxiety that she's applying for SSI/disability, then you are her caregiver). Gather your big kid britches and tell you wife that you WILL NOT drive her mom for hours on end. You are physically exhausted. If she begins whining, screaming, nagging, etc. then call her bluff. Pass out (you may have to indulge in a little role play for this). Right there on the floor. Right in front of her. Let her deal with the fact that the stress is making you ill (that part is a reality, but she can't picture it). Then when you've "recovered" tell her in no uncertain terms that you cannot oblige with the nightly drives and while you will be supportive, wife will take on the role of caring for her mother. You have overriding responsibilities. Honestly, this is beyond a cultural difference. They are taking advantage of you. You have to stop it.

I guess today is the first day of the rest of your life, my friend. Today is the day you throw down the ultimatum to your wife of either her mother goes (by a certain date) or you do. Then go talk to a lawyer.

No, it does not "pay" to be a good person. It's not supposed to. You do it because it's the right thing to do. Not because you're expecting a reward.
As for being reminded of your wedding vows. You did not make a promise to love, honor, and keep your mother-in-law. She's not part of that.

There was no reason why you should have driven your MIL around all night because she couldn't sleep and was "fussy". That is ridiculous. If your wife wants to drive her mother around all night because she's being fussy, toss her the car keys and go back to bed. Or let your MIL fuss and cry all night long. She'll wear herself out and go to sleep.

For your own sake, take back some of your manhood. As a woman who was married twice myself and remarrying hubby #2 in May, I will say no woman will ever have any respect for you if you have none for yourself. Letting your wife treat you like a doormat and take advantage is no kind of marriage. Get a divorce, no matter what it costs. Even if you are left with nothing but the clothes on your back, and I've been there myself though it's rarer when it's a woman, you will have something that money cannot buy.

Self-respect and dignity.

So you lay down the law with those two today, cowboy. You're the one paying for everything so you are king. Your word is law.

Tell your wife that your MIL is going to be placed in the first Medicaid facility that has a bed. In fact, you both will be doing an 'ER Dump'. This is when you take MIL to the ER and ask for a 'Social Admit' because she cannot be safely cared for in your home anymore. They will admit her and keep her until they find a facility to place her in.

After that's done, you tell your wife that either she has two weeks to start bringing income into the household. Either she gets a job, goes on welfare, or she goes out and spends 8 hours a day with a cardboard sign and a tin can panhandling in a parking lot.

She'll get her act together if you're serious. If not divorce her and start again with a woman you can make a real life with where you're not a meal-ticket to her and her mother.

Good luck.

Sometimes Packing a suitcase and getting in your car and leaving is what Must be done for your own sanity . Even Living in a Motel for a month to give yourself a break .

Reading your tale Basic, I think you were targeted by the female and her mom.

It was made clear she would care for her mom if she got sick, you get married and poof! Mom is sick. Red flag

Your wife can't work but, she can provide 24/7 care to her mom. Which is waaayyyyy harder then an 8 hour job. Red Flag

Mom qualifies for medicaid but wifeypoo thinks mom is to good for public assistance facility. Red Flag

You work and support all of you but, mommy can't sleep and wife won't get her vision corrected so you, after working all day, need to drive them around for hours. (I know 1st hand that glasses can and do correct poor night vision, I dealt with it as a teenager learning to drive.) Red Flag

They saw you coming and caged you up nice and tight is my opinion.

During the divorce, be sure and bring up the can't work but can be a 24/7 caregiver, your attorney will love that bs.

You and your wife took vows, she chooses to flush hers down the mommy drain, leaving you in a wife-less marriage. Who is disregarding their vows?

Getting divorced sucks but, it happens all to often and is not the end of the world. Be sure and learn something from this education you are receiving.

Oh and be sure to not get her pregnant or you will never get out of this with half your hide.

Your wife's mother is not the only problem in this relationship - your wife and her unwillingness to work and her own disabilities that you touched on are also an issue. I think this may be a bigger issue than you are willing to address because the MIL seems to be the current elephant in the room.

Let's say the mother died tomorrow what would your life with your wife be down the road with her limitations and her own needs? Would you be able to deal with that? Being your wife's caregiver for 20, 30, or 40 years?

My neighbor's wife has all kinds of medical issues now that she didn't have 10 years ago and he has become her caregiver. The man looks like he is on deaths door and has aged 30 years in just the 5 or so years he has been doing this. He has memory issues and said he just doesn't know how much more of this he can do or can take. Yet his wife is not sick enough to go into a nursing home and has all her mental faculties but just needs help in general because of chronic pain and back issues.

Maybe you did rush into the marriage for whatever reason. You were advised not to get married by friends too and ignored all sound advice. I would recommend not remarrying if I were you. Your family is weird talking about you finding a new wife when you haven't even divorced the current wife yet.

All the options in front of you are basically crap. Whether you stay married or get divorced you are the only one who loses in either scenario. Why you would want to repeat that potentially in the future with a new marriage escape me. Clearly love doesn't conquer all and it doesn't make things any easier when you are facing what you are facing.

"My wife refuses to entertain the idea of a normal Medicaid Facility."

Somehow THIS seems to be what needs to change.

Basictakes, if you did leave your wife, start a formal separation of assets.. what would she do then?

If your home was to be sold, maybe rented out until longer term decisions were made..

You have a job & income. Have the means to rent a place to live.

She has no income & a Mother requiring care. Even with some sort of alimony.. could she support herself & her Mother?

You wife has become dependant on you. She has limited her own choices.

As another female, I see a dangerous path for your wife. If I was one of her girlfriends, I would point this out to her. I would think a women's counceing service would also advise her: aim to be more realistic about your Mother's situation & get yourself a job.

You state that you are spending your money to care for your mother in law.

If you are spending so much money on your mother in law’s care now, what does your wife think about not having any money left for her care or your care in your senior years?

Doesn’t she realize that no one has unlimited funds? You can’t afford to be spending so much money, even if you do earn a good living.

Prices keep rising on everything. All of us have to watch what we are spending these days.

So sorry. If this lady is on Medicaid, why won't they pay for a nursing home? My mom's facility charges $16k a month. Medicaid pays for it.

Basictakes99, since in a reply you confirmed your MIL is currently on Medicaid, does your state have a program that allows your wife to officially become a state-paid aid to her Mom? It won't cover all her hours, and it may be minimum wage, but it's better than nothing. I know some states have programs like this but they are all called different things. IDK if you mention what state you reside in...

This is only the tip of the iceberg, my mother is 99 and your MIL could live for a very, very long time.

Your wife's mother is her priority, you are not, it is just that simple. If you want to spend the next many years being a third wheel that is up to you, stay...if you want to have a life for yourself and a relationship of two, then leave and start rebuilding your life.

In the meantime stop driving Miss Daisy and her caregiver around in the middle of the night. Let Miss Daisy hire a chauffeur, this is just plain crazy.

Your MIL is not doing good, she is not independent you and your wife are her crutches, only you can stop this insanity. Best of luck to you!

Hope that you get this figured out,

My number one suggestion is to find a placement consultant and find out what your options are. There are many solutions that good people have developed over the last 25 years. We found our placement specialist through an elder care attorney; they have lots of good contacts, as you might imagine. It’s not expensive, and you can pay them by the hour to just get information. They will know about that little boutique place down the road that you never noticed. They will know what the good Medicaid places are and which ones are not so great. I did not do this until too late in the game, and wish I had done so earlier. I know what it is like to just freeze up, and be overwhelmed. There are names for that response in the psychology world!