I am at my wits end and it is apparently my own fault?

Simple answers are this, your family and you take precedence over parents, siblings, nephew. It is time to step away especially since your parents do have the funds to have in home care or a move to AL facility. Does anyone have poa, medical or financial for both parents? If it's you, time to pull out the paperwork and see when it goes into effect and what you are allowed to do decision wise. Your jealous, entitled, narcissistic sister will not be able to see the forest for the trees where YOUR money and support for parents is concerned. Her and mom feel you should be footing the bill for everything. From a personal standpoint I have been thru this, husband and I financially supported his mom after his dad passed away in 1991. We took care of house taxes, insurance, fun money, and 1500 to 3000 a year to help with incidentals. Mom needs a water heater, microwave, stove, fridge, washer, dryer, new porch, a roof, toilet, sink,etc. We either bought supplies and repaired ourselves, replaced, or paid for work to be done (roof) NO ONE could ever help out but they sure could buy new cars, go out to eat all the time and go on expensive vacations. In my MIL case she really didn't have much to speak of except for social security and 200 a month pension. We supported 2 households, 2 children, lived within our means, saved for our retirement, paid our house off early by budgeting and choosing how to spend our income wisely. One SIL so deep in debt I don't think she will ever get out, but she has some great pictures of 5k a week vacations 2x a year. Other SIL is a major narcissistic pita that has an entitlement mentality that would floor most people. She tells people she did everything for her mother, no one else ever did anything for the poor lady, um did I mention that MIL lived with DH and I last 2 years of her life and sil who did it all (in her fantasy world) lives 1300 miles away. Nephew needs to step up or get out. He's 21 not 16. He's as much of a user as his mom. Apple, tree.
Time for a come to Jesus talk with mom and family. Mom pays for assistance at home or facility, which would be more economical. Nephew pays going area rental rates with a signed rental agreement or he's evicted as a squatter. You said mom is also severely depressed, has she threatened to harm herself or dad? If so time for psychiatric evaluation and treatment. Mom and narc sis feed off of each other. Your younger sister sounds like she cares for her parents unconditionally but is also still trying to win mom's approval, which will never happen so sis tries harder, mom slaps her back down in a vicious cycle only mom understands. Mom feels that YOU owe her, I'm sure with jealous sister egging her on, validating mom's belief. Get out while you can, set strong boundaries and maybe help youngest sis see she too is fighting a losing battle.

No one, absolutely no one should be put into the position of providing care for their abuser. What was happening to you and your other sister while the older one was being abused?

Second point. Neither you nor your remaining sister have to do anything at all for your parents You are not responsible for them.

Why can't your parents make their own way to their appointments? Why can't their grandson who lives with them drive them to appointments? It is not his responsibility either, but he is right there.

It sounds like there are layers of dysfunction in your family. You need to step back and look from afar at how the dynamics are playing out. Why do you feel obligated to take a day off work to take them to appointments? Have you looked at other options for transportation? Why do you feel your sisters have a similar obligation?

Yes, you do need to step away.

Your mother is a manipulative narcissist.

You are never going to change your sisters.

You have your own family and they are your first and most important responsibility, not your parents, who actually have money.

That your parents *choose* to not use their money to pay for help is not *your* problem - it's their problem.

The 21 year old is living with your parents for free because your parents *choose* to allow him to live there for free. You aren't going to change him either.

What are you going to tell your wife (and kids?) if you lose your job because you put your parents ahead of her (and them??)?

You seem to recognize that your upbringing was dysfunctional, and the family dynamic was unhealthy. You rebuilt your life and deserve to live it.

Thomas, I am so glad that you are stepping back from getting sucked into what sounds like a multi-generational dysfunctional family.

You and your sisters deserve to live your lives. Sister is already spending Saturdays with a difficult mother. I personally could not do this. And you are running yourself into the ground trying to keep everyone happy. This is not working. They can hire help and that is the purpose of their savings. If mother is not happy with this then oh well. Is she really ever happy with anything anyway?

I hope I don't sound terrible here, but I'll give this a shot. You mention your mom is a narcissist. That one word can be a game changer. Caregiving is hard under the best of circumstances. But you throw narcissism into the mix and the potential caregiver(s) really need to decide if they are prepared to make caregiving their life or if the best choice they can make for themselves and their loved ones is to find a better living situation for everyone.
My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL 3 years ago. At the time it was because they needed a roof over their heads. FIL was reasonably self sufficient at the time. Fast forward a few months and anything SIL did once, was now required. FIL is a raging narcissist and even though doctors, PT, OT, and numerous other medical professionals have assured all of us that he is physically capable of doing more, he flat out refuses and has said "why should I when she is here to do it for me?". Not even "help" but "do". He LOVES having someone around to do his bidding and to blame...for everything.
Caregiving is a challenge for even the most patient person working with the sweetest, easiest patient. Please please consider the potential of how much full time caregiving even split across 3 people could explode into more than any of you are prepared to give. Consider ALL of your options before you make a move.

Hello
you may be able to help by helping them obtain other services.
Depending on their financial situation and Medicare vs Medicaid . The va has services if dad was a vet. They are resources to assist them other than you .
each state has resources to assist the elderly , meals on wheels , transportation . You may want to contact senior services in the county . Your fathers treating Dr. should be able to contact you to a Sw . Local hospital Pallative care program.
also each state has adult protective service agency .
remember to take care of your self . Companies have EAP which may be a resource for you as well .
good luck .

Thomas, having boundaries (i.e., YOU refusing to pay for care when the parents have the funds to do so) is not abandoning your parents.

It is standing uo to bullies. Something your dad should have done long ago.

Your parents are triangulating you (oh look at poor dad's situation, you wouldnt want dad to suffer).

If the AAA can't help, call APS and report yur dad as a vulnerable elder

Don't jeopardize your future because your parents did not plan for or refuse to take action on theirs. Sometimes you just have to let things fall apart and resist the urge to play the roll of knight in shining armor.

Decide what you can reasonable do. If that means giving up one week's vacation for their needs then so be it. But once that week is used up you are done. Stop paying for services. They don't appreciate it and they can afford it themselves. Just because your mother thinks it is your responsibility does not make it so.

As the above poster said...stop doing things on their terms.

No, you don't have to be "the adult" for your parents and no there is nothing wrong with you. Also, if your sister was abused by them (and this happens often that one sibling takes the brunt of it in a family), then she should not be expected to take care of them either. The grandson living in their house is the one who needs to step up and start taking them to the appointments and assume the caregiver role, not you. Make the offer to get them a home/health aide who will take them to their appointments and help out with other errands. Then let that be the end of it.
From what you've said here, it sounds like you and your siblings came from a dysfunctional home and have probably been dealing with your parents BS for all of your lives. Make the offer to help if you want to by arranging some in-home care or by finding them a senior community to move to. Always remember that the only way to be any kind of a caregiver or help is that it has to be on YOUR terms, not theirs.

Now regarding your PARENTS,

It sounds like they are/or have moving from *independent* to the next stage *inter-dependant*.

The responsibility to arrange their care needs is theirs. They can ASK family/friends/neighbours for rides, groceries, cleaning etc but realistically they will need a sustainable plan. Not a few favours here & there.

You have already identified your Mother feels *entitled*. That she expects family to provide this - for free. Some assume you will be on call 24/7 - at their beck & call. Mine did. This is common. Reality chat time with Mother.

You may wish to re-word in a nicer way 😉

"Hey Folks. You got old. And sick. Not your fault. Not mine either. And I can't fix it. You will need to arrange the care you need. Your choices are;
A. Get help in
B. Move. AL has the help provided
Simple eh?"

Now if they are truly incapable of arranging the help themselves, then enduring POA takes over & arranges it.

There are more choices.. but start with those.

There is definately NO option that says enslave adult children & they must forgot their own family, home & job to support me as I wish in my own home for as long as I want.

I agree this issue may not unique - but that doesn't mean it is not SUPER hard! Or that you miraculously know how to proceed.

There needs to be a book on this *Aging Parents - Caring without going Cuckoo* ??

But you found this forum with loads of people who have been through similar - welcome.

For YOURSELF, for a more professional view on family dynamics I would start with the Boundaries book (by Dr Henry Cloud). Have you read it? (It's very churchy but non-church types can still read it). I found it amazing to get a clearer look at my own situation - a huge shoving of responsibilities onto me (that were not mine to own). A mess of porous boundaries where no-one had confidence to say no in a healthy way & instead said yes due to F.O.G (fear obligation guilt). Ring any bells?

As stated by others, YOUR responsibilities are to yourself/spouse/child/job.

Your folks are responsible for their own lives.

Thomas,
Yes, there is something wrong with your thinking.
"I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments."

Do not do this anymore. Stop it.

Jobs are scarce. And if you want to keep your job, be honest. Does your job cover 'family leave'?

Just do not miss work for your parents.

If you cannot be there, hire caregivers at your parent's expense to drive them to their appointments.

You've got this. It is doable. Do not count on siblings, thereby saving your time, money, and stress level.

Keep reading on the forum to find out what long-distance caregivers have done to provide care for their aging parents. Whether you are close-by, or across the nation, caregive from a distance, imo.

Sorry, I had no time to sugarcoat my answer to you. But I care.

P.S. Have the 21 y.o. drive them.

I will echo much of what others have said. Calling your local Area Agency on Aging is a good idea. They can maybe offer resources to help. Your state Dept of Aging can also help. There's no need to blame yourself for wanting to care for your parents, it's only natural that we want to do that. But there's also no way to require your other sisters to chip in on your parents caregiving. Nor should you be expected to give up your family life and do it all. Your vacation days should be for family bonding not for caring for your parents. So many caregivers begin caring for their LOs voluntarily and with good intentions. As times get tougher volunteering becomes an obligation. Obligation breeds resentment when it comes to caregiving. To repeat Alva, your only responsibility and obligation is your immediate family. So seek outside help for your parents and if they refuse such help you must be upfront with them and say that you cannot devote so much time to their care. Talk to them about assisted living and maybe even visit some facilities.

Hi Thomas, Welcome.
You don't actually mention your parents a whole lot here, and why it is that they are needing so much care from the family. Because it seems to me the real question here is whether or not it is time for your parents to move into ALF for care.
I don't feel that any children are responsible to do caretaking for their parents if they do not wish to.That is to say I don't see that as an obligation of the child. Nor for one child to judge whether another is giving enough, or too much. That is up to the individual.
To be honest, if I had an abusive parent while growing up, I would not be involved in their lives after I was able to escape their home. Not in any way whatsoever.
So that is to say that we are all different. The care Sister #1 chooses to give is up to her. The care Sister #2 chooses to give is up to her. The care you choose to give is up to you. The amount of care you choose to give will depend on many many things. How much you love your parents, how close you are in miles, how much time you have, what your personal limitations are, the needs of your own nuclear family (which, to be honest, ARE your obligation, and MUST come first.)
So it is a matter of your parents deciding whether they can maintain on their own now, or if they need to go into assisted or independent living.
Wishing you all a lot of luck. Remember that the only person you have the slightest control of, therefore the only one you have real input with, is yourself. It sounds to me as though you have a family and a very busy life; concentrate more on them, and less on the parents.

This seems like it isn’t really working out for anyone. Don’t expect your siblings to take on this responsibility. They may not be able to or have no desire to because of the level of care needed.

Do you want to care for your parents or is it out of some form of obligation?

Can they hire caregivers? Have you contacted a social worker to help plan for their future? What about Council on Aging in your area?

Is the young man acting as a caregiver to them?

Thomas, welcome to the forum.

For just a moment, ask yourself what your parents would do if the three of you didn't exist. There are social services that your parents can access that will get them the help they need, yes?

Does either of your parents have a social worker or case manager?

YOU (and your sisters) are allowed to say "no, I can't possibly do that." It sounds as though both of your parents need a higher level of care than a child who stops in to do occasional shopping or tidying.

The 21 year old who lives there, does he do any caregiving, or can he take them to appointments?

Every county in the US has a local Area Agency on Aging. I encourage you to look them up and give them a ring tomorrow. Your parents need a "needs assessment" to find out what they need and someone to find out what they are eligible for (like a Medicaid paid homemaker, mental health services for mom, etc).

Please let us know how you make out with that all important first step!