Not sure where to begin here. I guess I just need to vent. I am a 60-year-old unmarried, childless woman with an elderly parent. My mom lives with me, and I work from home full time as a CPA. I have zero support system (I have zero friends and my family will NOT help). My mom has lived with me for 12 years and has Parkinson's disease. This situation is sucking the life out of me. I do everything (cook, clean, bills and caretaking) and am very burnt out. I haven't dated in 12 years and have no life and nothing to look forward to anymore. Mom does NOTHING to help her situation. All she does is watch TV, drink booze, smoke pot and doesn't exercise or do anything to combat her disease. She showers once a week and smells like rotten milk. Rarely leaves the house. She is deteriorating fast, and her needs are beyond my abilities (I have lupus and am in excruciating pain most of the time... sometimes I cannot even lift a coffee cup). Every time I mention needing help - my mom flips out on me and starts gaslighting to the point where I just shut down. She criticizes my weight and tells me if I was not so fat and didn't let myself go, that I wouldn't have lupus and wouldn't be in this situation. I am totally shut down now. Next week, she has total hip replacement and told me she will be refusing to go in a skilled nursing facility and will not accept caregivers. She told me if I attempt to get her after care, she will call the police and the CPA licensing board and file an elder abuse report against me (there has been zero abuse in this situation). I am not sure what total hip replacement and Parkinson's recovery looks like - but I would think she would be immobilized and unstable/unsteady for an extended period. I told her it is not safe for her to be home, and I am physically and mentally incapable of handling this level of care. Her response: "you'll figure it out". I am extremely depressed, resentful and at times suicidal. I have told her my feelings and abilities and she respond with gaslighting. I have shared my thoughts with family members only to be told "well that's your mom - you should take care of her" etc.
Oh yeah - my childhood in a nutshell. My parents were both junkies and my mom was homeless for years and prostituted herself for drugs. I was in and out of foster care. I never did drugs, rarely drank and worked very hard to get a good education. I always worked, paid bills and kept a nice home. I am even more resentful that my parents never took steps to better their lives, while I made huge sacrifices and now I am being punished for it. My company has EAP counseling available, but what is the point of counseling when the other party will not change or participate. I cannot force her to get medical care or rehab either.
My life has been hell. I have no love and am totally alone. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep.
I am your age and refused to allow my mother to come back from the hospital. The discharge team helped place her. I was so relieved I felt giddy. After which I spent at lot of time staring off into space. Finding myself. Getting one’s life back is a huge adjustment! Seize this golden opportunity to get her out! You can do it!
Make sure the hospital understands the situation but not before she's had the surgery and is on her way to rehab.
Get some counseling for yourself as well, to learn how to get on with your life. Call the suicide hotline number at 988 if need be. Your life matters!
Then I will say that while your story is heartbreaking to say the least, I can't help but wonder why in the world you opted to allow the woman who birthed you live with you, as you owe this poor excuse of a woman NOTHING. As in NOTHING!!!
Only you can decide if you and your life are worth saving(and I say you are and it is)but you're going to have to take some pretty drastic steps if you're ever going to head in the right direction of living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
And you can start by letting your moms(I'm using that term loosely) doctor know prior to her surgery that you are no longer able to care for her at home and that she will have to go to rehab after her hip surgery, and then to a nursing facility after that, as you physically can no longer care for her as it's taking too much of a toll on your own life.
Will the woman who birthed you be happy about that? Hell no, but who really cares? It no longer matters what she wants anymore. All that matters is getting you and your life back on a healthy and happy path before it's too late. You deserve that much.
Please for the love of God DO NOT take the woman who birthed you back into your house after her surgery! Do whatever it takes to keep her out and get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And don't worry about all of her threats as she is just pure evil.
I'm sorry that you had crap for parents. Many of us on here also have, so you're not alone in that area. But now it's up to you to make yourself a priority and again take the necessary steps to take better care of yourself.
And it starts with getting the woman who birthed you out of your house. You will be so glad you did and I'm sure it will be like a 1000 pound weight being lifted off your shoulders.
I look forward to hearing back from you in the future telling us about how much better you're feeling since the woman who birthed you is out of your life.
Show the letter and tell them , mother will have to be placed after her surgery .
Good Luck . You have done more than enough .
The only real solution now is to get her out of your home.
That will take a good deal of honesty. And a whole lot of research and hard work as to how to accomplish placing your mother in care.
You should now consult an attorney-- I would suggest elder law-- to discuss how to pry your mother out of your home, which sadly you have made HER home by inviting her in, albeit without (I would imagine) a legal care contract for shared living costs?). She will either leave willingly to handle her own affairs in an efficiency apartment nearby or in a care facility, or you will have to evict her legally.
Prior to seeing an attorney I would call APS. Why wait for her to do it?
If you currently are POA you will need to resign that. You will tell APS that you are no longer mentally capable of taking care of your mother, and that you feel her continued presence in your home may constitute a danger to both her and to yourself. That you can no longer be accountable for your actions in her regard.
And that she must now go into care one way or another.
They will speak with your mother, and hopefully then with you both.
The only other solutions I can see is to continue to play slave-out-of-favor 24/7 for another several decades, or to really supply a lot of booze. Because she will then one way or another take care of herself in regard to physical and mental health.
You may have another solution I haven't thought of, but that would be my way out had I painted myself into this particular corner. Things we do without clearly thinking them out have dire consequences. Taking your mother into your own home is one of those things. It sure serves as a warning here to others, but that sadly doesn't help you one little bit.
In this country you are not required by law to enslave yourself to a cruel and disabled parent. So you will have to find your solutions now to unwind what you yourself created here. Start with telling you mom she is no longer welcome in your home and will have to move to be moved, and that you plan to accomplish this within the next 6 months, starting now--and that you will see to this one way or the other.
I am so very sorry that you are in these awful shoes. You MUST, MUST step up to protect yourself. It doesn't matter what the situation is, once anyone says they'll lie about you abusing them, time to take charge and fully disconnect. What she is doing is full on abuse towards you. So yes, there is abuse in this situation, just not the abuse she will claim.
You will feel so empowered if you say, enough of this batchitcrazy female bs in my life! And act to protect yourself.
She has shown you who she is and what she thinks of you, BELIEVE her.
Call APS and tell them you need help because she is using threats and intimidation to keep you as her care slave and it is killing you, you can NOT provide her the level of care she needs and you need their help to change the situation.
Prayers for you that you stand up, shake the dust of her feet off yourself and live the life you deserve.
Who cares what happens to that hateful creature.
First, please do find help asap for the depression.
Just want to agree with all the posters who advised you NOT to share any information about your intentions (especially with your mother!) until after your mother has the surgery. Otherwise mother may very likely cancel the surgery, and then getting her out of the house would be so much harder for you to accomplish.
Her surgery is a golden opportunity...the perfect time and opportunity to refuse her back into your home. Use the exact verbiage which other posters suggest with all medical and social workers "unsafe discharge", etc etc) while adamantly refusing to take her home after discharge..
Okay so you have the plan. Keep it to yourself until mother is getting the surgery at the soonest. You have nothing to gain by alerting anyone in advance of her surgery, but you have alot to lose by doing so. Don't take that risk.
The silver lining has been handed to you - take it.
Best wishes.
See All Answers