I am a caregiver who has lost all motivation to do anything. (I borrowed that line from a previous question that is now closed). Ideas?

With all you have on your plate, I am not surprised you have no motivation to do anything else but what you MUST. And that's go visit dad and leave him feeling drained and too exhausted to do much of anything else. What 'joy' can you really find when you're surrounded by death?

My mother was dying for a good long time, living in Memory Care AL and each time I had to deal with the reality of the situation, I myself felt exhausted and drained. SHE drained me; the very sight of her. The things she said to me, the hostility she displayed toward me. Then I had to go home and handle all of her finances, and her bills, and all the calls from the MC, and the doctors, and hospice AND AND AND. And before that, I had dad to deal with too, as an only child. And going thru his care and management, along with mom, and then his subsequent death and all those arrangements. I lost myself in all of that, for years.

Between the time dad died and mom died, I did take vacations with my husband, I worked, I found joy again, until mom started the long goodbye. Then I declined along with her, frankly, waiting for the inevitable to happen. I call it hunkering down & going into Survival Mode. Doing what WE have to do to stay alive and on track, so we can take care of THEM but also keep ourselves on track ENOUGH so we can do it day in and day out, if that makes sense. I've been the Queen of Survival Mode for 6+ decades already. As an only child and survivor of many different traumas, I've learned how to do Survival Mode. I tend to be hard on myself at times, but doing so serves a purpose: it keeps me IN Survival Mode.

You'll have joy again when the time is right. Precisely BECAUSE you are 'taking care of yourself' properly right now, during the dog days of caregiving, and not expecting TOO MUCH of yourself in the process. You can't expect yourself to also have a huge amount of 'motivation' as well, that's my take on it. You just have to survive this period of time and get dad through this end of life journey he's on, and come out of it intact YOURSELF, and then your motivation will start creeping back in. That's what I have found after both of my parents passed; mom this past February, dad in 2015.

Go easy on yourself and keep doing what you're doing. I wish you good luck & Godspeed during this difficult time.

I was in a similar situation. My mother has needed care for over 10 years and my Dad was always her primary caregiver. He died unexpectedly leaving my mother in a care home. I tried in the beginning to visit almost daily but the stress was just too much. I have a full-time job and two teenage kids. I got to the point where I hated every single aspect of my life. I started taking it out on my kids, lost my job and had no energy to do anything.

I eventually realized that I couldn't continue to visit so frequently do now only go once a week. I have a new job, happier kids and husband and energy to get my life back on track. I still handle all of my mom's bills, medical issues and any other personal issues.

All the self-care in the world wouldn't have changed the situation as I am not superwoman. The only thing that could change it was realizing I could only do so much in a day and had to claim some time back for myself and family.

My mother has now been in care for 2 years and I am happy I took a step back. She is well cared for and I am able to have a life filled with joy. It was hard as I felt guilt but I had to prioritize my own mental health as well as that of my own families. I wasn't prepared to give up my life as I still love my mother, I just know my limitations.

I’m in a very similar situation with my mom. I joined a support group but everyone there wants me to read about dementia and watch videos. When I have time to read or watch videos, that’s the last thing I want to think about.

I have often seen long term caregivers become so enmeshed with their parents lives that they give up their own.
I would seek help. For counseling in these situations often a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling is the best choice as they are specially trained in life transitions.
I wish you the best. We often follow the same path like a mill stone pony, pulling our burden in the same endless circles. It is hard to take a new path forward for ourselves because as unsatisfactory as the one we are currently on may be, the new path represents the unknown, hence a lot of anxiety and fear.
You aren't alone and this isn't your fault. It is a natural progression of the path you have been on. I sure do wish you the best going forward, but do consider a professional. We can sympathize, but we aren't trained to help you at all.

Hello Gwen! I am in this same situation with my DH. It's too bad we can't all come up with a one-liner answer to those folks who just don't understand. I haven't got one of those, but I will confess to doing a little screaming of my own! We have a little barn with a lot of stuff in it! I am currently trying to clear the stuff out, I have maybe a half hour a day to stand there and look at it all! It's a great place to just scream my bloody head off! I also have a little hand exerciser ball that I throw at the wall when I just cannot stand it one more second. If I hear the phrase "be kind to yourself" or the worst for me " be gentle and take a deep breath" I head to the bean bag wall or out to the barn. Being gentle sometimes does not cut it. I have a good and caring friend who brought me a pool noodle and said " I'll sit here while he sleeps, go try it out on the back fence!" I whaled the daylights out of that fence and still do that! Sometimes it is a good and Godly thing to just rail against what is killing you. I find that after these "fits" I feel a WHOLE lot better, exhausted maybe, but the anger is spent and gone! The anger space gets filled with more patience so I can again face the stinky bathroom, the paperwork, the idiocy of those who won't, or can't understand, and my darling man who is hidden deep in that body somewhere that I can't reach.

Good answers all here and always caring people. I am somewhat new here and don't always agree with going quietly into that good night! Best to you, love when you can and let the tiger loose once in a while! Hugs to you, Little Warrior!

I could have written your post almost word-for-word. I also have very little joy in my life.

I watched my twin brother pass away in the hospital from cirrhosis in 2019 and it was heart wrenching - all the while my mother was demanding that I "come home" (she has lived with me for almost 5 years), and I still had a job at the time. I feel like I failed him. Anyway, here I am my mother's 24/7 caregiver, trying to just grind through the day, sleep deprived most of the time, tending to my mother's every need, demand and request.

Yesterday for example, we spent literally hours in the bathroom because she couldn't expel a BM and I finally had to give her an enema last night which did fix the problem but goodness, what a way to spend the day. I had a good cry last night before bed and today I carry on.

Most days I do nothing much but just wait around for her to holler my name because I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything. And why even begin because I'll just have to drop everything when she calls me or when she's up because she needs constant supervision and escorting.

It used to bother me to see my "friends" and "acquaintances" posting all of their vacations, nights out, lunch with friends, job accomplishments, etc., but now I have reached the point where I no longer care. I just feel nothing at all.

I agree totally about all of the "take care of yourself" suggestions. When I've got ONE person caring for TWO people (both me and my mother) 24/7, then someone is going to get the brown end of the stick.

Yep, I think you're being too hard on yourself.

You're burned out and you probably haven't grieved your mother's death.

Here's a shocker!
You don't need to spend time with your dad daily. sometimes parents do better when the children aren't involved daily. The child reminds them of what they lost, and almost prevents them from forming their own relationships and finding out what the facility offers. Mine does SO much better when I only visit a few days a week. You're too much of a crutch at this point. You don't need to be there daily. He's make do.

Tell Dad you're going to take a vacation for a few days. Tell the staff to look out for him, then go hit the beach or some other place where you can just relax, enjoy what you like to do, and start thinking about your life going forward.

You are too co-dependent with your dad. It's great to be helpful to your parents, but not if it costs you your own life. You should also see a therapist and learn how to break your co-dependency. That's why you feel no motivation or joy. You're not living your life.

Good luck.

Well, if you're criticizing yourself for not being more active in self-care, yes you are being too hard on yourself.

You're eating properly, taking exercise, and continuing to maintain your personal hygiene. Believe me, in your circumstances that's impressive.

Do you, could you, keep a dog?

I am with you 100%! Yes, you are a bit hard on yourself but very understandable. I try to recognize little things I do as caring for myself that others do not acknowledge. I would consider the ability to flop down like a zombie would be huge for me because I care for my husband 24/7. While I can't do that or all the things others would count as caring for myself I have found things that help clear my head. The time I spend on the computer... some solitaire, some financial, some creating organization lists, etc. as doing it for myself. I pull weeds from the flower bed while he sits in a chair, etc. It sounds to me you are already doing a lot of the little things you can consider caring for yourself, it is just others do not count them as valuable as you do. They want us to spend money and time that we do not have before they count it as doing some thing for ourselves! I have been given gift certificates for massages, restaurants, etc. Those would be great if they came with an offer to sit with my husband so I could actually enjoy them without the expense of a sitter. I find that when others suggest I care for myself or make comments that they could never handle all that I do... it moves me toward a pity party where I get caught up in agreeing with them. I am trying to accept my life because it may change at any moment where I do not have my husband. No, I'm not a Pollyanna or cockeyed optimist... I am just trying to be a survivor by trying to see some good within all the hardship I have. Some days it is harder than others and I totally agree the well intended comments of others rarely help. I would love a quick loving comeback to ask them to stop because I know that no matter how much I do for myself others will rarely even be aware.

Cut your self some slack … There is only so much we can do …Take care of your self .
1. Antidepressant
2. Join a Caretakers meeting or two .. ( on line or in person)
3. Talk to a therapist..
Alzheimers association might be able to help with the therapy and they have a wonderful 24/7 help line .
Acknowledge that you are only human and let go for a while and let God. Ask for help from agencies that are set up just for that purpose .. prayers are with you ..