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Hubby is confused more and more each week. Misunderstands most conversations and movies..refuses to bathe or shave or wear false teeth or change clothes. I have to demand and threaten him with me leaving if he does not cooperate.


He has had several accidents with bowel control..even then does not want to bathe..


He refuses to give up his vehicle even though he seldom drives further than the corner grocery..


He always had attention deficit..now it is unbearable..he really thinks I am being mean. I have responsibility of house and yard and finances. This year I insisted we have a lawn service cut grass.


I really need some guidance on how to handle this situation.

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Vascular dementia, I believe, doesn't usually appear on its own. How is your husband's physical health?

I read on your profile that your husband is reluctant to seek help with his low mood and won't allow you to accompany him to medical appointments. That must be frustrating and worrying for you. But there is nothing to stop you writing to your husband's doctor, and listing the symptoms you're concerned about - the doctor can't talk to you, but your report might still be very useful.

If the self-neglect, hygiene issues, driving and confusion get any worse, there will come a point at which you can force an assessment; but try putting in a report first and see.

Conversations and ability to follow a train of thought becoming so poor it's unbearable - do try (I'm a fine one to talk!) to stay patient. It is enough to make you swallow your own tongue at times, I know; but picture the routes in his brain, remember they're all fouled up, and adjust your expectations of him.

Um. Does he have any former colleagues who might talk to him about the driving?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Adelejoe,

Thank you for taking the time to complete your profile.

If it is safe to leave your dh alone, get a life outside of the house. I am sure your local Catholic Church would welcome you in with open arms. Likely they will have some groups and or activities you can participate in.

When you go out to pick up take out food, instead of heading right home, eat your meal there and take your hubby's back to him. I had a lovely conversation with a widow at a diner yesterday. She goes there for lunch each day and spends a couple hours. She said it gets her out of the house and she always has someone she can talk to.

Contact your local Aging organization and ask how to get a needs assessment done for both you and your DH. With bathing being an issue, perhaps a bath aide could help at least once a week?

Contact his doctor regarding the driving. If the doctor is ok with it for now, then get a plan in place for when it is no longer possible. My step dad was able to drive during the early stages of dementia, he died of cancer before the dementia advanced. When the time comes for him to not drive, ask the local police department to deliver the news. He may take it better from those he considered to be colleagues.

You cannot take on the yard, house and finances without help. You have the lawn service, but what about inside? Tell your husband you cannot manage all the housework anymore and hire help.
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Reply to Tothill
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