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I work 2 days/wk. He was diagnosed a couple months ago with moderate to severe dementia, vascular in nature. I know his brain is deteriorating but he never has anything good to say about me and I take such good care of him, we were married for 25 years, his kids totally uninterested, they don’t even know the severity of his illness b/c they rarely call or visit.

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Belinda--

I read this several times and finally understood that HE was asking for the divorce, and the HOUSE not the horse...I think I get it now.

Ummm...marrying the much older man and then they fall apart while we're still pretty young. Been there, wearing the t- shirt and MY DH is only 5 years my senior. We had some rough years as he aged so fast for a while. We're on more of an equal footing now.

Get yourself an atty. If Dh can't even take care of himself, divorcing you won't help him at all. I worry all the time about my DH and dementia. He gets so kooky sometimes I can't tell if it's early onset dementia or just him.

You need to protect yourself, so your own atty can do that.

You can 'split up' and not lose your marital assets but not have to deal with a grouchy, sick hubby.

I know when my DH was going through some stuff and he was severely depressed, he was so mean, I couldn't bear it. I didn't know who I would find at the end of the day. More than once I decided I would divorce him, I'd be basically at near poverty level, but it would have been better than living with day after day anger and nastiness.

Is this a constant, or was this a one off occurrence? That also plays into it. dementia takes a person we love and turns them into someone else.

Good luck--take some 'me time' and think. Perhaps he is just not thinking with any part of his brain but the 'broken' part. Some of the stuff my DH would say to me was just unconscionable--but Drs. kept telling me it was the illness or the drugs--luckily, he seems to be pulling out of it, but a part of me is always on high alert, waiting for him to blow again. And he is generally a nice guy. To have him yell at me over something, or just try to shut me down for no reason--very painful.

Unkind words, whether from a person with all their capacities or not is hurtful and you need to work through that hurt.
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Sparky I wasn't telling Belinda to ask for any information from her husband's attorney. I was telling her to get a recommendation for an Eldercare attorney from her/him.

And maybe dropping into the conversation "he's been dxed with moderate to severe dementia", It would be useful for his attorney to know that.
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I don't think Belinda is concerned about the practical, operational aspects of divorce or considering that as an option. I think she was just in tears at having come home to this, and in urgent need of sympathetic ears.

Having made such a Horlicks of understanding the post in the first place I can at least say that I am now all ears. Hope you're doing okay, Belinda.
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Find out if he has money where it is. Half is yours. Don't let your pity for the man he used to be stop you from getting what is rightfully yours. It doesn't matter who he's left money or things to. If he declines fast and passes away before a divorce is finalized half of anything he owns is yours. Not his kids. But if you're his second wife and he has money he more than likely has hidden some away. You sound like a very caring person don't let that great personality trait be your downfall. Get your own lawyer without him knowing and get everything you've got coming and enjoy the rest of your life in peace
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I don’t think he can divorce you as he is not rational. You need to get power of attorney and enduring care in place. I think your husband needs to be in permanent care as things will become worse fast. He needs to be assessed
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I think looking into a facility is an excellent idea, and I don't think it's admitting "defeat".

You husband has dementia, and has had for some time, it seems. He should no longer be left alone. He needs supervision. He need socialization and diversion.

He needs a happy wife who visits, not a tired stressed one!

Call his lawyer and doctor, both, today. Ask the lawyer for a recommendation for an Eldercare attorney to ask for advice about re-titling assets before he enters a facility.
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SparkyY May 2019
I would respectfully disagree with talking to his attorney. They have attorney client privilege you don't. That means he can tell him everything you say to him. Get your own attorney. And he may not be able to divorce you but you can divorce him. Your post sounds like you've tried to make him happy even before his illness and I'm guessing it wasn't easy. His kids don't come around. They probably haven't accepted you even after 25 years.
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I understand now! - I was misled by the inverted commas into thinking that *you* had called the attorney.

Oh dear, this is dreadful. Calling his MD is a good idea. I'm sure you won't want to admit defeat, but have you also had a look at dementia care services and facilities near you?
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Sorry, Belinda - *your husband* told you he had called the attorney to ask for a divorce? He announced this to you as some kind of weird greeting when you walked in after work?

Did you speak to the same attorney yourself?
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Thank you to all who took the time to read my problem and answer. I really don’t have anyone that I can share all this dirty laundry out too. And said this is the only place I can really ask for help. I’m going to try and call MD today to let him know what’s going on.
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Belinda, you clearly are having a very difficult time and I'm sorry for that. I saw your other post, too, about your husband's children.

So you got the vascular dementia diagnosis only a couple of months ago. Vascular dementia doesn't, I believe, usually happen on its own. Could you help us to understand better by going back a while and explaining a bit more about the history of your husband's illness, what kind of care he's needed, and what your plan going forward has been (apart from getting a divorce, I mean).

I can imagine that this evening there was some sort of last straw incident. But the point of last straws is that they're nothing much, just on their own. It's everything that's been piled on before that's the real problem.
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He sees a board certified gerontologist. He’s been declining mentally for at least 18 months a lot in the last year. He has headaches all the time so he got a CT scan and that’s where the vascular part of the dementia came in. He is on dementia medication morning and night it seems to help his focus a little bit not really his memory. He just comes up with the stuff right out of the blue. I came in for more happy and like I always them and I saw his face he says you’re not gonna be happy with me and I said why would happen and he said I called our attorney today and asked for the horse. First I was in shock for a couple hours and then I spent the rest of the night trying to explain to him that he can’t even live by himself. I never know when I’m going to come home to
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how old is he.
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He will be 83 in August. I’m 64. We’ve been married for 25 years. He is no longer the guy that I married. The guy that I married was smart successful ready adventurous loving kind and generous. The man I married to now is self absorbed and has no empathy or sympathy for anyone but himself. And does not have a grasp on reality
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Is it possible for him to go to a facility?
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I am so sorry you are going through this.

Have the doctor send the attorney the diagnosis so he knows what he is dealing with.
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Shell38314 May 2019
That is good idea. Wished I would have thought of that!
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