She lives alone. Hopefully the last move now as I've moved her once a year for the past 3 years as she's hated everywhere else.
I'm 37. I have a 13-year-old son who is autistic and selective mute and currently going through mental health assessments for potential schizophrenia. I am also currently at risk of losing my home as my landlord is selling.
My mum is very, very needy, and clingy. I spend on average Mon/Tues/Thurs with her 1/2pm to 9pm, and Saturdays around 12-midnight.
Yet, all I get is that she's lonely. I drive her everywhere with no offer of fuel money. Must be around £30 a month.
Due to my partner's work schedule (nights) I see him Fri and Sunday. And that's our alone time or family time with our son. Occasionally he books a Thursday off for us to have an evening together. My mum hates this as she deems it "her time“ and will see us Saturday and be like "oh it's been DAAAYS since we've seen each other".
If I do anything with my son and partner i.e., visit the beach/play golf/visit anywhere she will want to go too.
I feel like I have very little life of my own. Everything I do I plan around her or check I'm not needed.
Even though she will ask "will you take me to the doctors on Monday?" it's not really a question. And after that it will be "don't forget I have an appointment on Monday". If I said no, she would be annoyed with me, want to know why, and would cancel her appointment and want to rebook it for a day I could take her. She COULD get a bus to it. Very easily.
The home she moved to is an 8-minute walk from the hospital. She wanted me to take her to get a simple blood test! I did put my foot down and she did walk it.
She also verbally abuses my son, she is hard of hearing and mis-hears him sometimes and jumps down his throat rather than ask for clarification first. She also says things like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead!" if she doesn't get her own way or if she feels he/I have been rude to her.
She seems to have no desire to be independent. I've mentioned groups to her, but she turns her nose up.
I need to put my foot down and start living my life. But it's so hard. And I guess my point with this question is clarification that I'm not overreacting or being spiteful. And any other advice I'd be grateful for. TY
Keep up this good work!
My youngest and I were talking yesterday. She is a very sensitive person, as am I, but puts up a wall. She said she found early on that people take advantage of people who are caring. This is true. My other daughter is finding this out too. But my youngest puts a wall up so no one sees that side of her. She is quick witted and can be sarcastic using that as a cover up. She feels you do not let people see you vulnerable. Me, took me a little longer to learn what she has. I have found in dealing with stressful situations, I tend to "harden" myself to get thru it. Things I really don't want to do but it needs to be done and I am it. I wouldn't have gotten through it if I hadn't hardened myself to a point.
You are on the right track, keep going.
It's been a while.
I snapped, and not in a bad way. I was truthful and I feel respectful.
I send a message to explain my feelings.
She took is SO BADLY.
I spoke to her on the phone and when I told her that I self harmed in the past because of her (she didn't know) she told me that I did it to get my own way.
And that my eating disorder as a teen was because I need control over everything.
That REALLY hurt.
Shes continuously posting quotes to Facebook with how wonderful she is. Ie.... Making out I'm the awful one.
But I've removed her and I've not seen her in 8 weeks.
I've started being a bit more open to seeing her now I feel like I have enough of a wall built up.
I booked Christmas day dinner out so she doesn't need to come to my house. She still isn't welcome to be honest.
And I will see her next week to take her to an appointment. She tried to get me to rush her to the emergency hospital as she had vaginal bleeding but I told her they wouldn't do anything and to go to the GP. so she did that and now has an appointment at the hospital. Not sure how that's happened so quickly 👀 since I'm waiting myself to see gynaecology and have heard nothing....
Bad luck at having a mom who is so self centered. I'm not sure that given her response to your disclosures of self-harm that I would be back in contact with her. Proceed with caution and protect yourself.
Why does a 65 year old need to be "taken" to an appointment with the gyn?
Juse for reference, I'm 69, took myself to the gyn on Monday via subway. I have pretty bad arthritis and HBP, but so does everyone else my age. We deal with it.
You do realize your mom has some serious mental issues, yes? This is NOT normal behavior.
Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. (F.O.G). It's a thing. "Mom does so much for me, but at a cost".
That's not how loving relationships work.
Nobody needs a relationship like that.