I am dealing with a very demanding, savvy narcissist who is very calculated and manipulative. My mother and I are worn down to the point where we need to walk away from her care and hand it off. The issue is she expects us to be her caregivers and be at her beck and call at all times and all hours. She can do more independently but believes she is entitled to be put on a pedestal and cared for. This is an extension of our whole lives with her. She is 89 now. We think the best option for the attention she seeks is a nursing home, but she turns on us immediately when we engage her in the conversation. How did you even get them out of the house? Looking for strategies or suggestions if you opted for this avenue for care. Also, we have a REAL concern of her also potentially getting kicked out of the place (she is that bad). Any guidance is appreciated.
Thank you!
Leave.
You can stop responding to demands
You can call 911 and have GMA taken to ER if she acts out, falls, or becomes ill.
You can evict her (if you are in your own home) or you can arrange to move out if you are living in hers.
The thing is, you cannot expect her to be happy. You have to develop a "so what?" attitude to her pouts, anger or dissatisfaction.
Beck & call..
Because..?
- Feels family SHOULD?
- Doesn't know who else to call?
- Fear of strangers?
- Unable to communicate well with strangers?
- Memory problems & Cognitive decline? This is a wide area, with many parts - some being;
Planning; Can't plan ahead well, eg make a thorough shopping list.
So daily calls: *something* just ran out. Need it now.
Processing information: Didn't understand what the Dr, Dentist, Plumber said.. needs you to come read their letter or account NOW.
Scale of Importance: A light globe broke. May have seen a cockroach. Spilt my coffee on the floor. Everything is a 10/10 emergency, right NOW.
So time to slueth..
What does Grandmother TELL you? What do you NOTICE?
Here is why.
My FIL is a narcissist. Not diagnosed - but there is little doubt. We DID manage to get him into a nursing home believe it or not. It wasn't easy - and it honestly took YEARS. He is 89 now as well. We started talking about it at least 2-3 years ago. And there were some other factors that got in the way.
The final straw was that he was in a rehab and we had a family meeting. BEFORE we went in - EVERYONE was on the same page. He had to go to a nursing home. The SW & PT agreed with us 100%. When we walked into the meeting- you could tell some back office dealings had occurred. FIL looked so smug. The PT looked MISERABLE and completely disengaged.
The SW started off by "reminding" us that FIL had the final decision because he was still competent. So if he chose to return home they had to comply.
Sure..sure.
FIL was GRINNING and said quite smuggly - "THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S MY DECISION!"
My SIL - who lived with him with her DH, looked sick. The PT physically pushed back from the table. And something in me snapped. (Hi, I'm the family mouthpiece).
I said "Let me stop you right there. You are correct, HE has the final decision of course. He CAN choose to return home. But let ME make something clear. If YOU discharge him home, he is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE because he will not have anyone to care for him. The family is DONE taking care of him 24/7. If he wants to return home, he has to hire 24/7 caregivers. If he cannot prove to you that he has them lined up - you cannot release him. We are not facilitating this any longer. That house is UNSAFE for him. He can no longer live there safely without round the clock care"
It was VERY quiet for a few seconds and then the entire family jumped in and confirmed what I had said. The ENTIRE temperature of the room changed. The PT came back to the table - completely engaged. FIL SLUMPED back in his wheelchair. The SW began to offer him options for 24/7 home care which he shot down saying he couldn't afford it.
Once he said that - she said well sir then it sounds like you only have one option. You have to look for 24/7 care outside of your home.
He was so angry. He pouted. He said we would be killing him if we sent him to a nursing home. He played every guilt card. He played every anger and manipulation card. We ignored him. Because we COULDN'T do it anymore.
I'll say once we didn't give in, getting him there was a piece of cake.
BUT....it was because he had a nefarious plan LOL.
From things I have learned here - I tried to prepare my DH and SIL. I tried to tell them they could ignore his phone calls. But I couldn't MAKE them.
HE has made life a living hell since he moved.
You can't find a single nurse or CNA that works there - regardless of WHERE they work in the facility - that are not aware of who he is. He has a REPUTATION. And it's not good. One nurse (LOVE HER) told him that he is not special and not privileged and he isn't going to get special favors. My favorite part is that he is actually getting put in his place - and not catered to.
The irony. He put his mother in a nursing home and never looked back. My DH and SIL have made sure he is well taken care of and we visit him fairly frequently for him being over an hour away from any of us. He visited his mother on major holidays for a couple of hours.
But if he can create drama and trouble - he is here for it. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. The phone rings constantly. He won't advocate for himself. He wants DH and SIL to do it for him. And it will take DH and SIL continuing to STOP enabling him to save their own sanity.
Do yourself a favor. Protect yourself however you have to. Just because they go into a nursing home doesn't mean they don't continue to try to manipulate every single moment of your life day and night.
Just on its own, though, this story is one of the most depressing things I've ever read.
I'm going to step away from this website for awhile.
Report her to APS if you think she cannot live independently and is in danger.
Done.