It's not dementia but a lifetime of abuse. Mom has been in SNH for 15 months now and still is not adapting as well as I had hoped. She is intent on moving in with us and ruining my happy marriage and beautiful home life. Acts nice and appreciative to my face, but behind my back tells anyone who will listen that I only visit once every couple of months (we are there every 2 weeks) and that I call her once a month (I call 1-2x weekly), I don't care about her and her needs nor do I understand how she misses her friends from her former independent-living apartment and how unhappy she is mainly due to me. While having full POA, 2 doctors and several nurses and social workers strongly advised that she needed skilled nursing after falling twice, having long-term Covid, limited mobility issues as well as many chronic health conditions. We have facilitated the Medicare/Medicaid process and this is her third and finally facility only minutes from our house. After a few months with a lovely roommate, she insisted and was granted a private room. My brother (lives across country) and my cousin (lives across state) can do no wrong, yet we are the only ones who visit and call on a regular basis, interface with the staff on a weekly basis, provide her with all the extras and niceties, seasonal clothing and room decor. She engages in limited activities, takes meals in her room and basically shuts herself off from the other residents as she feels superior to them. She is very ungrateful and at times nasty and rude to me. This "limited contact" is not working and I am at the point where I am considering "no contact". My personal world is suffering and I don't know how much more I can take. Any suggestions?
Her words hurt but they are just words. When my MIL pulled this crap (as a way to manipulate us into doing what she wanted when we said no and held boundaries) and "concerned" relative would call, we would pause, sigh gently, and say "I'm sorry you had to deal with that call - she might not have taken her medication, and mixes up times / events as a result" and we didn't engage further, no justification, no explanation of what we had been doing. A few of those calls and my MIL left that little tactic alone.
Or we would pause, gently sigh, and say "I'm sorry you had to deal with that call - right now nothing pleases poor MIL. I think you can sympathize with her aging and losing so many of her friends and the ability to do so many things she used to do"
These types of phrases would get "concerned" relatives off our backs - because, let's be real, everyone has had to deal with the @#$# pulled by an elder at some point in their lives, so they would get it. Plus, the added benefit of this getting back to MIL infuriated her and she would start to knock it off.
Keep doing the right actions as you do. Find some phrases to deflect anyone who tells you about her venting.
It could be the drama triangle dynamic. Mom feels she is the victim, she paints you as the perpetrator/the 'bad' one, someone else is the 'hero' or fixer. Except in this case the fixer is absent - so he is the absent 'golden boy'. (Google the Karpman drama triangle).
I'd guess she hasn't accepted her situation yet. Is still testing & nagging to push you into taking her home. Make things go her way. You could consider suggesting a Psychologist - to help her with this life adjustment phase.
I remember visiting mine 3 x week, bring this, that, arranging this & that. Everytime: "when is your sister coming?"
Consider reducing your contact level. See if that makes her heart a little fonder. Worked for me.
Long-haul covid has been shown it can cause dementia type symptoms. That could be the reason your Mom forgets how often you visit or call. https://aaic.alz.org/releases_2021/covid-19-cognitive-impact.asp
Just food for thought.
My situation was different in that my MIL’s (no dementia, just stirring up trouble) accusations were that we had banned her from ever seeing her grand-babies. I fought back with photos.
Take photos of your mother during your visits, especially if there are decorations that hint at the date in the background.
Fire off an email to all the nosy relatives and apologize for being too busy for having done it sooner. Include said photos - months worth if you have them - explaining that you want them to see what the SNH is like and see how she’s doing.
Yes, it takes effort when we should just ignore the poop-flinging monkeys, but I admit I took great delight in sending my in-laws Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthday, etc, photos of my growing children, each photo clearly showing Grandma the background. Never heard another peep about it from anybody.
I wish you peace and strength.
YOU DO ENOUGH. If someone says " Your Mom says you don't call or visit" You tell them you Do call and you DO visit regularly but its not enough for her. I think for someone like your Mom every two weeks for a visit and calling 1 to 2 times a week is enough. As my daughter says "turn it back on them". When she complains say "Well, I could just call and visit once a month". Really, you could visit every day and call 3x a day and it would not be enough for your Mom. She may never except her circumstances. Thats HER problem not yours. Its Her problem she doesn't socialize not yours.
We have a lot of posters in your shoes and what I find from their posts is they are looking for love and appreciation from someone who is not capable of giving it. They take but they have no idea how to give. If this women was not your mother, you would probably have nothing to do with her. You will never make her happy, so stop trying. Its not up to you to make her happy.
When she mentions wanting to move in with you just say "Sorry Mom, it would not work with our two different personalities nor do I want to be a Caregiver" "Your where u need to be" You need to ignore the things she says, she isn't going to change. You have to do the changing setting boundries for yourself.
YOU DO ENOUGH
P.S. How did Mom get a single room? Is it small? This is unheard if on Medicaid. The only time I've heard this is done is if someone is willing to pay the difference in upgrading. Your Mom must have really put up a stink and the roommate asked to have another roommate. Must have been felt Mom was better alone than trying to find a roommate who could stand her. Do not be surprised if this doesn't last. If someone paying privately wants a private room and Moms is the only one available, Mom will be moved. Medicaid does not pay what they get privately.
I personally would resign my POA.
Your brother can do this long distance, or the state can do it, but I would NOT do it.
I would NEVER for a single second in time EVER consider taking your Mom into your home. Because yes, it WILL ruin your marriage and your life. If you are thinking of doing such a thing, run, don't walk, to a therapist at once.
Other than that you have been trained by years of abusive behavior to accept abusive behavior it is time now to try to plumb out why you are continuing to act for your Mother when abuse continues? Do seek therapy.
I agree with you that you should go "no contact". You say you don't know how much more you can take. The real question should be how much more will you ALLOW. Please get help. No one can do it for you. It is a choice that is in your own hands.
My heart goes out to you. It is time to have a quality, decent, loving and happy life. I am sorry to say that doesn't include Mom. She has HAD her life and more than enough chances. Let her take care of herself and let others who are PAID to be kind and caring on a shift by shift basis to such people take over when she can no longer do it.
I wish you the very best. PLEASE take care of yourself; by now you are well aware that no one else will do so.
We are dealing with a very similar situation. BIL/SIL care for Narc FIL in his home and we provide what assistance we can. He tells anyone who will listen that we are all the Devil....way too much backstory...but like you a long history of abuse and conditioning and he seeks attention and attempts to make others believe the worst about us.
Here is what we have learned. To quote Dr Seuss
.."those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."
In true narc fashion he has shrunk his circle to almost nothing. The people he he talks to now fall into two groups. People who listen and think the worst....who we don't care what they think because we don't even know them...and people who know him well enough to know better. They know US and know something is off.
As true narcs age it's harder and harder for them to keep up the facade. They don't remember who they've lied what to. So their stories break down. At some point you will start to realize that the people that your mom is talking to either know the truth or if they believe her, they really don't know YOU at all. And then you start to wonder if you want people like that in your life or close to you in the long run.
It was eye opening for us.
Best of luck to you!! You can't fix her behavior. You can go behind her doing your best to clean up the mess. And you can decide that you can preserve the relationships that mean the most. It stinks I know. But if they know you at all they know the truth.
Correct the egregious stuff for sure. To doctors or caregivers. Set the record straight. You have the right.
To a narc the only way they can feel better about themselves is if someone else is less. It's twisted. But I haven't found a way to fix them. When we tried to fix ours it just exacerbated it. He only got worse. He loved the attention.
But if you are concerned about repercussions definitely correct the misinformation privately with the other party.
Also as far as NO Contact...with a true narc...you have to do what you have to do. The grands all basically took their grandfather at his word. He was telling people...ok he WAS LYING to people that his grands never visited him. They did, fairly often except for one who lived out of state. And even she visited when she could. But he IGNORED them when they did. So after a while they decided to make his lie the truth and stopped visiting.
Keep letting mother know that living with you is NOT AN OPTION, and change the subject when she brings it up. Leave her presence if she won't stop harping on it, and let her know why. Also let her know that the meetings you do have with her are taking their toll on your health, so if they can't be pleasant, you'll have to cut down on them dramatically and only come back to visit if/when you feel up to it. Your doctor told you to cut down on stress, and you're taking his orders seriously. If we can't have a nice visit, mother, I'll have to stop coming, sorry. When she gets nasty & rude, get up and leave right away, letting her know that you've done nothing to warrant such behavior from her and again, your doctor has warned you against suffering such stress. Bye bye now.
Call before you go; ask her if she's in the mood for visitors today? In other words, are you going to be NICE today mother? Or should I stay home? Put the ball in HER court. Let HER tell YOU if she's going to play nice or plans to make it another exercise in toxic madness! She will learn, in short order (if you stick to your guns 100% of the time) that you mean business and have no qualms about LEAVING her presence if she gets ugly. If she wants visitors, she'll play nice. If not, she won't and you'll have your answer. Then you can go no contact and feel reasonably okay about it.
Remind her that it's not YOUR fault she's old and sickly; you did not choose this life for her anymore than SHE chose it for herself. It's her cross to bear in life just as we all have our own cross to bear, whatever it may be. It's how we choose to deal with our cross that matters; whether we blame our children for it or choose to deal with it with dignity and grace that determines the QUALITY of our life. Your mother is making her own bed by choosing to stay in her room and be alone b/c she feels superior to the other residents. That's a sad statement of who she is INSIDE. You can't change that; only SHE can do that.
Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation