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I've read many comments here regarding getting a loved one transported to a facility. I cannot even picture what that will look like for my 93 year old mom - strong personality, confined to wheelchair, mid-stage dementia.


I am the only relative/influencer who will oversee this process.


Taking her to lunch as a distractor while getting her moved in is not an option.


She has good days and bad days. Not sure what to do if moving day turns out to be a "bad" day.


Honestly, I picture a scenario where she will be tied to the roof of the car and transported to the front door of the facility. (Just joking!!!) But you get the idea. I really cannot envision how I am supposed to pull this off.


Help!

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I hired a van service that transports wheelchair users back & forth to take my mother from a rehab SNF to her Memory Care Assisted Living community. She's always on her very best behavior with others vs. not so much with me. I paid $100 to transport her about 4 miles, well, SHE paid it actually, but it was well worth the money because there was no drama whatsoever.

Best of luck!
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Beatty Nov 24, 2019
Good tip. We struggled for hours getting Mum into the car for a respite stay. Next one due early 2020. I had been thinking of the wheelchair taxi - like your Mum - best behaviour for others. Decision made.
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the memory care facility you are taking her to should be able to give you a specific plan how to do this transition as they do it all the time. My mom-in/laws looked like this- 1) breakfast out with a good friend who was in on it, 2) my husband and I moved some of her furniture into her new room (so something was familiar), 3) the friend brought her to the facility to see the ‘pretty’ place where the director met them for the tour , 4) the three of them came in a designated dining area where my husband and I and her pastor was there. The director explained why she was there and that this was her new home. My husband reiterated that we love her and are concerned for her safety of living alone (of course she didn’t see that because of her dementia). There was a short conversation where her friend and pastor agreed this was what was best for her even if she didn’t see it. We then were told we should leave and tried to hug her but she wouldn’t have it. It was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done!! We couldn’t visit for a week to try and help her adjust some. The next six month weekly visits were rough - slaps, kicks, hurtful words, screaming. She did eventually adjust and actually liked it and accepted it as home. Take advantage of what direction the director gives you. If it’s a good place he/she will know their stuff. (FYI - even tho it’s hard, visit regularly and get to know the staff so they know ur watching over your loved one. ) best wishes
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Beatty Nov 24, 2019
Thankyou for sharing. A real team effort of support.
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I had all the same concerns about getting my mom moved to AL. My Dad wanted to go. Mom yelled and made all kinds of threats and wouldn't even visit the ALF. We knew that she wouldn't willingly go out to lunch with someone or fall for any of the other tricks to get her out of the house. She had started refusing to go to doctor's appointments. My Dad had POA, and her doctor signed a letter stating that she was incompetent. We thought we'd need to hire transport, but by some miracle, Mom was having a good day and cooperated. Once there, she flipped and said we'd tricked her and started making threats again. It's been almost a month now, and she has good days and bad days. Make sure you have the legalities to forcibly move her, and set up potential transport. Also, speak with her doctor about starting medication to calm her to see if that will help. I think it did to some extent with my mom. Best wishes to you!
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Hi tornadojan, it is one of the most difficult things to do, but it HAS to be done for their own good. I live in South Africa, and I had to do it 20 months ago for both my parents. My 90 yr old very stubborn father with moderate dementia just point blank refused to go ...... and my Mom with mid- stage Alzheimer's just kept on repeating that my father won't go anywhere. Myself & my husband where looking after them, we tried but my father's health deteriorated fast, and he refused physical help from us (so difficult).

So, I softly explained to my father that the situation at home can NOT continue like this anymore, and I got a case worker involved, had a calming medicine prescribed by his doctor AND booked a private Ambulance to do the transport 92 km to the wonderful "Heartfelt Alzheimer's & Frail Care Home", in the Eastern Cape, South Africa, BUT he still refused to go ...... (kept the Ambulance waiting for 2 hours, untill the paramedics abandoned the mission as they were not allowed to take him agsinst his will). That was the most traumatic day of my life ...... I cried the whole day.

Then a month later, we attempted it again, with the same private Ambulance again, but this time with the Head of the Alzheimer's Association in our region, a Doctor, who brought her nurse and assisted us. Same story, he refused again ...... until the nurse softly and tenderly spoke to my father, and advised him that my mother HAS to go to a facility (he díd recognize the logic for thát), and he needs to accompany her to support her ....... and then he said "OK" , and even got onto the Ambulance's stretcher himself ! We couldn't believe our eyes ! Once they were at the Home, where they received so much loving care, they never looked back. My Mom & Dad thought they are at a luxury rehab style hospital (must be, the carers all wear uniform !), and we never corrected them. We were also advised to stay away for at least 2 weeks, and we dreaded the first visit, but they were just so glad that we came to visit (I always brought them nice snacks & stawberries to enjoy with us on the verandah).

They are so much better cared for, by professionals, than what they ever ALLOWED us to do for them ...... It is so worth-it !

You just have to do it, but with professional help. Good luck, you are not alone 🙏🏻🙏🏻
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magnumpi29 Nov 24, 2019
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Hire medical transportation to convey her from wherever she is now to the facility.

My mom grabbed the steering wheel....once.

From then on, she was transported by professionals.
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Babs75 Nov 24, 2019
That's what we did with my dad from the hospital to the facility. There was no way I wanted anyone to have to deal with him in the car. As I said above, it has been 2 months now and he has finally quit asking to go home. He had what we think was a blood sugar incident (he's diabetic) at the AL yesterday but luckily they recognized he was having a problem and called the paramedics. All is fine now but another reason that he can't stay on his own.
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I told my m she had a doctor's appointment . Once there, the nursing home just took over. I was getting things organized in her room, while they were chatting with her and showing her around. I am not saying it will be easy, but it had to be done. Hope all works out.
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I think this was the hardest thing I had to do so far and, like you, had no idea how I was going to get Mom to the AL facility. The day we went, she was having one of her bad head days so I used that as the reason why she needed to go somewhere that could help her. That didn't work out so well though. She ended up being hospitalized after a fall, then transferred to rehab and from there, went to another facility. That transition was much easier as Ricky6 said. She seemed to accept that she needed to be in a place that could assist her while she recovered. She still tells me daily that she is going home tomorrow but not with the anger she used to have. Now I just say that she has to climb a number of stairs without being winded and when the doctors sign off on that, we can talk about going home. That usually works and we're on to a different topic.

I wish you all the best, know you are not alone in this struggle!
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Contrary to what you intimate, you do not have to do this alone. Involve professionals in the process, particularly the dementia association. There will be no perfect time to achieve your aim, it is a question of going with the flow. My mother has been in a memory care unit for more than 8 months now, and still does not accept the situation. Family should look after family, she insists, no matter how difficult the work (ok for her as a former nurse to say). But dementia, particularly from mid-way onwards, is all but impossible to manage at home without a lot of professional back-up. I suggest you insist on her going into Respite care for a couple of weeks. Invent an illness for yourself, or tell her it is for monitoring some sort of illness she has, or even she is being given a 2 week trial, anything to force her hand. Freebies are very attractive for the elderly it seems. It works for a lot of people when they discover it is not the bogeyman a nursing home is made out to be. And some people just hate the concept and will never, ever adapt. My mother had to go into Respite care for a fortnight otherwise she would have been left alone for 12 hours every day due to an unfortunate set of family circumstances. The first night they identified that not only did she need to be in permanent care, she needed to be in a memory care unit. Rather than bring her home and continue letting her refuse to even contemplate a possible placement, we arranged for her to remain at that same aged care facility. If you are able to achieve Respite care - and it will be monumental, make no mistake - then you are half way to achieving what is best for a 93 year old wheelchair-bound person with dementia. Best wishes for a speedy outcome.
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moecam Nov 24, 2019
I agree to present it as 'temporary' for her benefit due to some issue you have - if you have something coming up then do it or pretend to be on crutches because of a foot operation which necessitated that she be taken care of while you heal or whatever what ever will work - visit her with crutches or other very visual aid [sling or walker] to pad out your story

My mom was in NH 'temporarily' until her hand worked better - she convinced herself that she was in a rehab place [again] - I even had 'props' in her room so I bought a dog toy that could be squeezed for exercise so that when she said something I would ask how her physio was going [she was actually doing some] & hand her an 'exercise' ball to help her but she would stop squeezing after 5 times as her mind drifted
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Once you get her in a facility things may change rapidly with her attitude. The place I moved my mom to is in the neighborhood of her house and mine.
She and I walked her dog by it all the time. I had been worried that she
would recognize things and try to go home, but once there she did not know where she was and how to get back home. She forgot her home very soon after the move. To actually get your mom into the car and off to the facility I strongly suggest you have help. Hire someone if you have to, someone who seems to be in a position of power - in a nurse uniform maybe.
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CaregiverL Nov 24, 2019
Artist, Didn’t you have to get a PRI Nurse Assessment before taking your mother to facility? So they can see if her needs can be met?
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First of all consider the time of day, hunger, amount of sleep etc you want all those things that you might be able to control to align with the moving time. I have seen some families areange for an ambulance to transport because it is a bit more difficult to say no to authority figures like EMTs and they are trained to handle these things. Some folks have had the doctor administer a mild sedative but as you know this is always tricky because we never know how they may react to it. Others have done exactly what you said earlier they staged a party/lunch etc and after just drove them to the new place but that could also end poorly. Maybe the folks who will be caring for her in the new place can allow you to visit there a few times for activites and lu ch and then leave and take her home after she has been a few times and was returned back home she will be less resistant. But you must feel good about it too or she will feel your fear . I hope some of this is helpful to you and i wish you well.
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