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Seems that we can recognize something of our Mother in nearly every correspondence on this site, now belatedly discovered. Must hunt further on this topic. Mother lives alone thanks to use of Nest cameras and 2 of us living near-by and another on weekends frequently. She doesn’t hesitate to express how lucky she is to have our help and expects it to remain that way.


She won’t shower anymore (says she does) even after having a major accident on herself, shoes and carpet despite Depends. Meals on Wheels piled up in fridge unused. She eats 3 things during the course of a day: canned soup, toast, bananas and something sweet. Food she doesn’t want is thrown out her door for critters. Her house is predictably dirty so we do our best in that area. She doesn’t keep herself clean, hair looks dirty (perm appt. this week & buying dry shampoo) and all worn or stained clothes are piled high on a chair and worn again. Trying my best to put this in a nutshell.


We do not live with her so these things are inevitable. Can’t leave things out for her to choose from since she is beyond making choices or paying attention to notes and signs.


It’s getting more than we can figure out the answers to. However we know she needs to live in a healthier, safer environment. This is the 1st time we have all been in agreement that Mother needs to live elsewhere. Do people actually physically get removed from this sort of bad situation? We cannot imagine how to handle this.


(We have toyed with the idea of secretly moving some of her possessions to surprise her with in a new location.)

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It is way too risky for your mother to shower without supervision and support. Follow the guidance of the other comments, and have her doctor have a word to her about moving to a nursing home. Often a person in authority such as a doctor works wonders for her generation who believe doctors know what is the right thing to do. Word the doctor up and do a shared visit.
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Reply to Arselle2
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You need to start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging and getting a "needs assessment". Or you can call her doctor and ask for one to be arranged.

It is unclear to me that she needs a nursing home, unless she has health issues that you aren't mentioning.

Best to start out by finding what level of care she needs.

What are her finances like? Does someone have POA for finances and health?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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It does sound like she should NOT be living alone.
Do you have POA?
You may have to consult with an Elder Care Attorney to possibly seek Guardianship.
A call to Adult Protective Services might help you in that they would do an inspection and determine that she is not safe and that the would recommend that she be placed in Memory Care.
At some point she is not going to be able to make a decision in this matter as she will not be safe living at home.
The other option would be to hire caregivers that would live there and care for her.
And do you have an "official" diagnosis of dementia of some type? That would be necessary if you were to remove her. As a person that is cognizant she could not be forced to move, but if she were diagnosed as having diminished capacity she could be forced to move.
Strongly suggest a meeting with an Elder Care Attorney.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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It does sound very sad and stressful. Are you the appointed HCPOA and DPOA? Do you regularly correspond with her doctor? I'd likely be with her with visit to the doctor so they can do eval in the office and you can provide doctor a list of things that are going on in the home, since, she may not accurately describe her abilities. Having the doctor on board with support would be helpful. I'd explore various ways people have handled the transition. For some, it's a temporary stay in a rehab facility to get their meds adjusted, PT for their arthritis and to help with their mobility, get their nutrition on track. After a couple of months, they may not continue to ask about living alone.

You might also consult with an Elder Law attorney to find out the options and exactly how it works if law enforcement gets involved.

Even though my LO did protest, I think she eventually agreed to go due to the fear she experienced with her dementia. The brain can seem like it's changing, things are strange and confusing. It can be a scary time for them, even though, they don't admit it, possibly due to fear and embarrassment. You might could offer her an option of having some company for awhile in a AL.

My LO's doctor told her that she needed AL and was going to go. She gave her a short time to make the arrangements. I'm not sure if my LO realized what she meant, but, I knew. She was going to report her to APS, if she didn't heed the recommendation. So, I believe that if the person is in danger or living alone, eventually, there will be an intervention by some agency.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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