I am 32 years old and caring for my 70 year old father. My mother passed from cancer 5 years ago. Basically, I have been caring for my parents since I was 26. My father lives in my home and needs assistance walking, bathing, getting meals made, keeping track of appointments. I leave my house for work, which I have had to go part time at because of how much care he needs, and come home to take care of him. I feel so angry because he refuses to enter a SNF, where he can get care that I can’t provide alone. He falls often enough that my local EMS knows our names. I don’t have helpful family members. Meanwhile, I can’t go on dates, or travel, or spend time with friends. I feel like my youth is flying by. I would love to have a chance to have a family of my own, and to see the world while my body still allows for it. But when I mentioned that to him, he just says I’m ungrateful for all the times he took care of me. I just feel hopeless in my current situation.
Set boundaries....70 he needs his own place! This could go on for another 20 years and his attitude and expectations will get more demanding.
PLEASE follow the advice of the wise posters here. It will be a sea change for you to accept that YOU are more important than your father (and you are). But you are still young! Can you make the necessary changes to take your life back? I hope so!
Yes, he needs help. You have helped. There is a limit to what you can do. Talk to his doctor. Tell the doctor that you would like your father to be in skilled nursing.
Or ask his doctor to have a social worker return your call so you can discuss plans for your dad.
How was your father before your mother's cancer diagnosis?
EVALUATE DAD... WHAT IS WRONG PHYSICALLY WITH THIS MAN ??...
This, from a person, whose cousin is barely making it...
I am sorry... Tell doctor you do need extra help.. palliative care... He cannot walk, and you are exhausted.. Can health experts come to you, or Hospice..
Meals on Wheels can provide premade food for him...
appointments can be set up with palliative care.
Bathing... Moli-care bath wipes, the days, you cannot afford the energy.. Tell palliative care team, dad needs a man to help him wash himself... do they have a male nurse to help wash him a few times a week? It's too much for you to take care of everything...
P:ill boxes for meds... Set them up: morning.... noon, and evening... Have him help you write them down in a log, so both of you know..
Get him involved socially at botanical gardens, library. etc.. adult day care//
Salvation Army may be a good start..
Get another face for him to look at, have him start happy conversations with someone besides you.... HIre someone to come in once a week and walk him through Farmers Market,,, the grocery store,.. Get him back into life....
He lost his wife, and he is losing himself... Talk, to social services and let them know you need help for him.
70 Years Old????? What's wrong with him? So get him to Adult Day Care,, And since your mom died... did he have a life threatening change? l
Shoot my friend is 72, and beat me up a gigantic walk yesterday afternoon.
Ask his doctor if there are any facilities or programs he can join for gyms or social activities or volunteers anywhere... SILVER SNEAKERS...
My neighbor is over 70 and I've seen her in a culvert trying to dislodge blockages, in the winter even, she's been on the roof cleaning off lichen, and walks about 3 miles/day, etc.
Age isn't the deciding factor, and the issues listed don't sound like SNF at this point, but using his funds to cover aides during the day or using day care for now would allow OP to work full time. Some ALs offer respite care, so OP could at least get a break now and then and take a vacation! But social life will still be hampered with dad living there (or rather residing there.) OP does need to be allowed to have a life - I would seek advice from EC atty to see what, if anything, can be done to get him into his own place, with help or to AL where help is included. If income is low enough AND the state they reside in has Medicaid AL, look into that. IF not, see about some kind of senior housing - Medicaid often does provide a given amount of in-home care (not full time, but if he has enough income to pay for residence, utils, etc and more to cover additional help, that could be an option.
Stand your ground and make this his only options. Let his guilt trips fall flat on the floor. That's all they are, guilt trips, and you don't need that kind of vacation!!!
Give him the opportunity to go to an Assisted Living home or a Skilled Nursing Facility, depending upon his needs and financial situation. But let him know that YOUR care giving days are OVER. Period.
If that makes you 'ungrateful', then so be it. In reality, it makes you a sensible woman who needs to move on with her own life now. Enough is enough.
Not to mention, your father can live another TWO DECADES, too, which means your life would truly be over then! You really need to look at this realistically.......right? My mother is 93 and has fallen 41 times......and she's going strong. Falls don't necessarily equate to living a short life.
Wishing you the very best of luck taking your life back, my friend. You sure deserve to!
So your Dad is effecting the ability for u to take care of yourself. Thats not fair. He is just thinking of himself.
Just tell him that you can no longer care for him and that he will have to go into AL, or just move somewhere else. Do not let him lay false guilt on you, you have cared for him long enough, it is time for you to live your own life, not his.
Without a plan, you will continue to be hopeless, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, time for you to move forward on making your life better. Make your life about you, not him and his selfish requirements.
Trust me, he won't die if you start saying NO and exerting yourself to him, you are no longer a child, you are now his equal, approach your life as such. He could live another 20 years, my mother is 95, do you really want to put your life on hold waiting for him to die? Think about this scenario.
Good Luck and be strong!
OP- please don't live with your selfish manipulating father anymore. You do have some control here, Change YOUR living situation. It's in your power to either tell him to move if it's your house or you move out if it's his house.
Tell him that you are ungrateful and you are done because a parent that loved you would never steal your life for their own. A loving parent raises their offspring up to fly, not be a personal servant.
He has obviously not taken care of himself to be so frail and feeble at 70 years old. His choices don't obligate you to sacrifice your life for his, he could live another 20+ years. Are you ready to give up your entire life for him?
You need to decide what you want and then take one step at a time to reach your goal.