How to deal with resentment when caring for parent?

He is selfish and manipulative.

Tell him that you are ungrateful and you are done because a parent that loved you would never steal your life for their own. A loving parent raises their offspring up to fly, not be a personal servant.

He has obviously not taken care of himself to be so frail and feeble at 70 years old. His choices don't obligate you to sacrifice your life for his, he could live another 20+ years. Are you ready to give up your entire life for him?

You need to decide what you want and then take one step at a time to reach your goal.

You should not be in this position for a multitude of reasons, the first of which is that these are your prime earning years and you need to be making money and providing for your financial future. It will require courage and strength on your part to make the changes that need to happen. Your dad is manipulating you with guilt, and it’s undeserved. Parents don’t have children in order to have a caregiver in their old age. Your dad is relatively young, he could live a long time, he needs to provide for his own future just as you do. I hope you’ll tell your dad that he can’t live with any longer (assuming it’s your house) and he needs to make other arrangements, you can help him in this. Don’t be baited into arguments or discussions over it, you’re an adult, you don’t owe others explanations and justification for what needs doing. This isn’t mean or cruel to your dad, it’s what is best for you both, he will get the care he needs and you will be able to build a future for yourself. A parent should always want their adult child to be successful and have a life.

You are letting him manipulate you. This is the time in your life when you should be expanding your career and planning for your own retirement.

Just tell him that you can no longer care for him and that he will have to go into AL, or just move somewhere else. Do not let him lay false guilt on you, you have cared for him long enough, it is time for you to live your own life, not his.

Without a plan, you will continue to be hopeless, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, time for you to move forward on making your life better. Make your life about you, not him and his selfish requirements.

Trust me, he won't die if you start saying NO and exerting yourself to him, you are no longer a child, you are now his equal, approach your life as such. He could live another 20 years, my mother is 95, do you really want to put your life on hold waiting for him to die? Think about this scenario.

Good Luck and be strong!

Just for your info. When you finally collect SS they go back 35 years at that time. If you have worked continuously thats good. But lets say you need to stop to care for someone for 10 years. Your retire at 65, they go back 35 years, brings u to age 30. You took care of Dad from 30 to 40. So from 40 to 65 you only worked 25 years in the 35 years. So ur SS is based on 25 yrs of income.

So your Dad is effecting the ability for u to take care of yourself. Thats not fair. He is just thinking of himself.

Emotional blackmail at its worst, that's what your father is doing to you! How awful.

Give him the opportunity to go to an Assisted Living home or a Skilled Nursing Facility, depending upon his needs and financial situation. But let him know that YOUR care giving days are OVER. Period.

If that makes you 'ungrateful', then so be it. In reality, it makes you a sensible woman who needs to move on with her own life now. Enough is enough.

Not to mention, your father can live another TWO DECADES, too, which means your life would truly be over then! You really need to look at this realistically.......right? My mother is 93 and has fallen 41 times......and she's going strong. Falls don't necessarily equate to living a short life.

Wishing you the very best of luck taking your life back, my friend. You sure deserve to!

THE GUILT TRIP WASN'T THE VACATION I WAS THINKING ABOUT...
70 Years Old????? What's wrong with him? So get him to Adult Day Care,, And since your mom died... did he have a life threatening change? l
Shoot my friend is 72, and beat me up a gigantic walk yesterday afternoon.

Ask his doctor if there are any facilities or programs he can join for gyms or social activities or volunteers anywhere... SILVER SNEAKERS...

TELL DOCTOR HIS NEEDS EXCEED YOUR EXPERTISE...
EVALUATE DAD... WHAT IS WRONG PHYSICALLY WITH THIS MAN ??...

This, from a person, whose cousin is barely making it...
I am sorry... Tell doctor you do need extra help.. palliative care... He cannot walk, and you are exhausted.. Can health experts come to you, or Hospice..
Meals on Wheels can provide premade food for him...
appointments can be set up with palliative care.

Bathing... Moli-care bath wipes, the days, you cannot afford the energy.. Tell palliative care team, dad needs a man to help him wash himself... do they have a male nurse to help wash him a few times a week? It's too much for you to take care of everything...
P:ill boxes for meds... Set them up: morning.... noon, and evening... Have him help you write them down in a log, so both of you know..
Get him involved socially at botanical gardens, library. etc.. adult day care//
Salvation Army may be a good start..
Get another face for him to look at, have him start happy conversations with someone besides you.... HIre someone to come in once a week and walk him through Farmers Market,,, the grocery store,.. Get him back into life....
He lost his wife, and he is losing himself... Talk, to social services and let them know you need help for him.

This is ridiculous. Your father barely qualifies as a senior; he's certainly far too young just to accept being dependent on his child for all his needs. What are the underlying medical conditions that make him so severely disabled?

How was your father before your mother's cancer diagnosis?

Wait, he is calling you ungrateful? Is he serious? He is being ungrateful to you. You have given so much already.

Yes, he needs help. You have helped. There is a limit to what you can do. Talk to his doctor. Tell the doctor that you would like your father to be in skilled nursing.

Or ask his doctor to have a social worker return your call so you can discuss plans for your dad.

Your selfish father is jeopardizing your mental health, at some point your physical health and your financial future.

PLEASE follow the advice of the wise posters here. It will be a sea change for you to accept that YOU are more important than your father (and you are). But you are still young! Can you make the necessary changes to take your life back? I hope so!

I'm sorry
Set boundaries....70 he needs his own place! This could go on for another 20 years and his attitude and expectations will get more demanding.

You need to have something change.. This situation is not going to get better by doing the same thing over and over again. I am stuck in the same mud... I need to find another mud hole myself.
You are young. Your dad is young.. 70 is not that old... Your dad needs to start taking on chores. Is there anything in your house / home that needs attention or repairs? Change a lightbulb?

Wait.. He falls often.. Is he overweight? too much medication? Do you monitor it or serve it at the correct time? Does he drink? Has he given up :( ?
Can he walk with or without a cane? or walker?

Tell him payback is a B... , and you already paid him back. The SCORE IS EVEN..

TAke hime on a walk 5 minutes a day... Just 5 minutes.. .up the street for 2.5 minutes and back.

The next week... go for a 10 minute walk... 5 minutes up and 5 minutes back.

Tell him to count with you.. tell him to go through the days of the week, months. holidays.

Baseball teams, etc... keep him talking breathing and thinking....

The next week... make it 15 minutes a day...


etc.. It works, and it will be ok... If yo have the time.

Casaqueso1, reading your story is like reading my own as I have had to care for both of my parents in their illnesses and lost my mother to cancer January 2013. My dad has always from what I can remember, been the angry non compliant type. My dad had to go the SNF because I couldnt do anything else for him and I think the thing that saved me to get him there was the hospital got tired of seeing him and I had to let them do their thing. I had to be wise in my approach, otherwise he would still be here giving me hell and taunting, guilt tripping and condescending me. Mind you, my dad was estranged and left us at a young age moved back to Nigeria to remarry and have kids because he wasnt satisfied with having girls; he wanted boys. Now the tables have turned, yet forgiving I wanted to help him but I was fought every step of the way. He didnt want to be in a SNF so much so, he attempt suicide 2 days ago just to leave the facility, had to get a psych eval at a hospital and once he got to said hospital did a chargeback on the copayment check made to the SNF,(which defaulted him not returning) and then turned around and called me to help him find a place to stay! He blames me and even voiced that I'm the reason for his craziness and not wanting to live and take his own life. I was hurt and mad with him! But I begin to praise God for all that has happened and with that God gave me a sense of peace as to say, "I'll take it from here." Now he is homeless, I feel bad for him with that, I just can no longer help him. CasaQueso1, do what you need to do for you. I put in for a job transfer to Hawaii just to be to myself and reflect on what my life should be like without the drama and learning how to care for myself and nobody else! I just made 38 and felt like all my life from the age of 12 watching my mom throw up blood into the mixing bowls of water she sat by her bed, I had to make sure they were ok. The ONLY difference, my mom was much much much much more pleasant to care for! She raised us when my dad disappeared and that caused a great bond between her and I. My first lady from church advised me: It is NOT the WILL of God for you to diminish your own quality of Life on behalf of another that seemingly has no respect or thought for YOUR life! There's a GOOD work and there's a GOD work, we have to learn the difference because we aren't meant to do EVERYTHING even if it is your parent. You've done all you can do, take care of you now. CasaQueso1, I dont know you but once I get settled if you want to get away on vacation, come to Hawaii and you can crash at my spot. I think we both will get along alright! Ask God to show you what to do and be encouraged!!

Interesting! I have sometimes wondered why older gentlemen I date decided to have children later in life. I have dated a few 60 year olds with ten or twelve year old kids ( obviously with a younger second wife).
Sometimes I think it may be for selfish reasons; someone to take care of them in old age. Seems premeditated. They would rather take a chance at having an offspring care for them than having a partner through old age. You have turned into that “partner” for your Dad, except this is not a symbiotic relationship. It is more of a parasitic existence for him.
Please save yourself before he sucks all the resources, happiness, and life out of you. Please update us and let us know how you’re doing. He will not change- it’s up to you.

It’s time for your sisters to start helping you. Talk to all of them together if possible, if not individually. Tell them this is their responsibility as well as yours. You need to schedule with them.

Then sit sit down with your father and tell him that he is a toxic human being and you will not be able to help if he doesn’t change his attitude. Be honest, it might (or might no) hurt his feelings. Tell him what you expect from him.

Then pack your things and move. Tell him ball is in his court now. Walk out the door and don’t look back. You can get him a life alert in case he falls.

When he starts guilting you remind him that that you are giving up your life for him voluntarily. Guilt him back. Remind him that he is toxic to you and if he doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done it’s because he is a mean person. He seems to have all his faculties so no need to dance around dementia.

You are a beautiful young young woman and deserve a life. Tell him you’ll check on him but will NOT be his primary caregiver so he better start calling around to find one. Take your life back, you owe him nothing. You gave all that you could for as long as you could. Be done with him and go knowing you did everything you could. Bless you sweet woman for lasting so long

i feel so sorry for your situation . You were not put on this earth just to be your fathers carer . It will be very hard but you have to start putting your needs first not his . Life is too short and no matter how he is black mailing you by what he says , start to get help and support put in place for him . What would happen if you were involved in an accident and incapacitated . That’s the angle you need to start looking at . Your not being selfish your being a responsible daughter who needs to think out side the box you have found your self in , for your fathers sake too . Hope this helps as I have 2 parents , my father is bedridden completely and my mother has dementia . Both want to stay at home so we have carers coming in 4 times a day . They are safe warm and fed , with loving carers and family helping out . They were not happy at first but have got use to the new people looking after them . Nobody likes change , but change happens and we all have to adapt but look after ourselves too

Bless you and I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I see your father's mail illness is diabetes. He’s quite young to have the issues you describe, and so my assumption is perhaps he’s not been compliant with caring for himself with his diabetes diagnosis. Or perhaps he has other conditions such as heart issues, or obesity. But his choices do not have to be yours and he can say whatever he wants you to try and guilt or manipulate you, but you too truly do have choices. I know it’s hard whenever there is the child/parent dynamic and it gets turned around and yet the parent still wants all the control and power.

You are at the age where you should be working full time, saving some for retirement (which will come faster than you think) , earning Soc. security credits, and plain just having fun, seeking a mate if you so desire.

so how can you do that, you decide what is in your best interests. And you set your boundaries of what you can do and you get him out of your home. Not easy to do, but you must find a way. Give him a move date and tell him you are going to work full time and he will get the help he needs where he moves to. You should not be his whole world. He should be ashamed of himself.

Put him out of your house and take back control of your life. No one is going to do it for you. ER dump him if need be. He could live for decades still.

research the facilities; give your dad three choices; including living on his own or with another family member,

If he chooses to "live on his own" call protective services. Tell them that you have a vulnerable adult who is at risk of being injured. That you can no longer care for him at home; Help set up a guardian ad litem for him; set a date for when you will go back to work.

Then implement your plan. But be prepared for the fallout -- which may mean that there may be months, years that he (and other family members) will refuse to deal with you.

the bottomline -- you can get your life back -- but it will come with a cost.

But Frankly, every decision comes with cost, some clear, some hidden and all we can do is make the best decision for ourselves at the time.

Best wishes

PS it may be helpful to get an ally who understands what you are doing and why who is in on every conversation with your dad about this change. They can help interpret the exchange, give you insight and if necessary step in the conversation if they see it going off the rail.

70 years old is still young--this can go on for decades and it only gets worse. Depending on his condition your only options are assisted living (if he can still manage his bowels/bladder) or nursing home (needs a lot of care). Or put up with it...but it will destroy your life if you do.

70 is very young to be a candidate for SNF. Unless this father has some very serious medical issues, he will not meet criteria for nursing home admission, Also there is a matter of payment. Most nursing home residents end up under Medicaid, but that is a process to qualify.

As for Assisted Living, no medical condition required, just the funds to pay for it!
You cannot just decide to place your parent in some form of care home. Find your local Senior Center and get info on your state's Eldercare Services. There are in home services available depending upon his needs. No 24/7 care, but @ 70 years old, why would he need that? Anyhow explore your options. Nothing is as hopeless as you seem to be feeling now!

Your father is being selfish and he is trying to control you with guilt.  I doubt he was caring for his parents when he was in his 20's.  Don't ask him, tell him what is going to happen.  Put it to him this way...tell him he needs to move out and if he wants a care giver, he is going to have to pay for one through a service or he can move into assisted living.  If he wants a daughter, tell him he already has one who will visit him once he decides where he is going to be.

Be strong.  You deserve to have a life just like he did when he was your age.

You are not the selfish one -- your dad is. I am 59 and would be heartbroken if, after I were to pass away, if 10 years from now my husband were to trash my children's lives. Please, please look into others to assist him, or tell him that you are just not able to. You were born to live a life, and that life is your own and not his.

Does he have the finances for assisted living? If so, explain to him that you are going back to work full time or you will be poor. Even if dad is providing the money for you to give up your full time job, you are derailing your career at the most important time of your life. Tell him that you will not be able to manage his care. He must move to AL. Do not accept his arguments, insults, etc. Make a plan and stick with it.

If he doesn't have any money, send a letter to his doctor explaining ALL of the assistance you provide for his activities of daily living. Be detailed and don't hold anything back. Explain that you must go back to your full time job and that dad has no one to care for him. Start the process of getting him qualified for a SNF.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are enabling dad. You are in control, not him.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.

I’m in the same situation. I’ve taken care of my dad with 2 types of cancer...I was 30 years old then, he passed away and I have taken care of mom throughout the years, last year though it started 24/7 bc she has Vascular Dementia, I am 45 years old now and yes it did fly by!

I lost my career, friends and I’m unable to even date. I know I “chose” this life so I can’t really be mad at anyone but myself, there are always choices. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if she was taken care of by the State all these years...but then the guilt would have drained me anyway.

Good luck, and may God bless you.

I have a parent with Parkinson’s and a disabled sister, I’ve had to be a caregiver all my life. I lost my childhood and they are quickly working on my twilight years. If I try to look out for myself they too say I’m selfish but who is actually the selfish ones when they refuse outside help.

I have a daughter and grandsons,, I’d never ask them to do this or put them in impossible situations. I’m disability retired and don’t want to shorten my time left with my own family even more. I do have my own affairs in order so they’ll never have to suffer bc of me.

I feel like the selfishness in the case I’m in is projection, if you disagree or decline a request my mother instantly says you’re evil.

Hi! We as caregivers need to make decisions based on what is good for everyone not just one person. I am not sure what that decision is Best for you and your father but to me it sounds like you are not setting some boundaries with him because you are worried he will be mad at you? If he is angry that has to do with him not you. You have to take care of you and help your dad. Not do what is only right for him? Is he may get mad at you for that but that is ok. You resenting him for something you are tolerating. I know that is hard to hear. I did it too. Life is much better now that I moved through all of that. I am still caring for my mom but now I don’t hate every minute of it.