My parents live in a two story duplex. The bedrooms are upstairs. My mom has dementia and it is getting worse. She burns things. Doesn't engage and my dad thinks he can make her remember. Neither should be using the stairs. But he refuses to do anything about it instead wants me to move home 18 hours away from my own grown children and take over so he can do as he always has sleep all day watch tv all night. No one wants to deal with him. He has been a stubborn selfish man my mothers entire life. I am the only daughter with brothers that none of us want to have to live with him but we love and worry about our beautiful mother that we know he is probably mean as hell to. Need a plan, advice, help.

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Hi ILuv. Very sad situation and I’m sorry. Number one priority is to protect your sick Mom. Period. Unfortunately, given the description of your father, I’m afraid the only solution might be to remove her from the home into a safe environment. Your father sounds like a bully. As others have said, get in touch with an elder atty to guide you with this process. In the interim if you believe your Mom is in immediate danger you should contact authorities and get her removed. Maybe possible for one of the siblings to take care of Mom temporarily (say she’s going to your for a vacation) while placement is arranged? Best of luck with this terrible decision you must make. I feel very sad for your Mom but she is lucky to have you as a daughter who is not turning a blind eye and who will keep her safe. She must be so very stressed. My Mom gets so fearful as she is now in moderate stage living with me. I can’t image how she would be doing in the hands of a bully. Sending you a hug and best wishes.
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i presume your mum would be distressed if taken from the environment she knows.

My dad was the same - I put up with it till I caught her literally stuck on the stairs . I just told them both straight that mum wasn’t going up the stairs again. Moved her sheets, pillows night stand etc into a downstairs room made up the settee. Booked an appointment for an assessment and got a hospital bed in the room within 10 days.

No need to move - just be firm, ignore the crap, and get your mum a bed downstairs. If you can’t pop in each day to check she goes to her new bedroom then consider POA if not already done, and in the meantime share the cost with your brothers re evening care to assist her to bed.

When you say she burns things - is that food or because she smokes? I ordered in healthy microwave meals and put large labels on them just saying exactly what time to cook for their microwave.

When cooking if do more than you need - pack portions in plastic tubs with label of what it is and how long to reheat in microwave. As get into a routine can swap empty for filled tubs.

Its not ideal but a compromise
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Ahmijoy Sep 2019
Dare, if you reread what OP wrote, she does mention she lives 18 hours away. While the initial set-up of their mother’s living arrangements might be ok, I doubt if It would be feasible for OP to cook larger meals for her family and save some for her parents. Father may not accept prepackaged delivery meals and because of the “burn” remark, he may be expecting Mother to cook, which she can no longer safely do. Arranging for nighttime care for her mother would be very expensive even if split with her sibs. If her father believes that he can “cure” her mother by ignoring her disease (the steps), chances are he would not let the caregivers into the house because he sees no need for them.

I get the idea that OP may fear for her mother’s safety and doesn’t trust her father’s care. Even though Mom may be upset by being relocated, people with dementia are relocated to facilities all the time and do well. Mom would be in the company of her children who obviously love her very much. She would be safe and well cared for.
Does anyone have POA for your mother? If that was never done, you will probably have to pool your resources and engage an elder law attorney and get guardianship over her. Then, find a facility for her if you don’t want to take responsibility for having her live with one of you. You will need to get guardianship for your mother. Then, all of you go to their home and pack up your mother’s things. If your think your father will melt down, have a sheriff or APS standing by. It doesn’t sound like there’s much love lost between you all and your father, so his reaction to this shouldn’t affect you that much.
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Don’t even think for a second about moving to be near them!
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I have a feeling you won't like this, but... APS.

Your father doesn't understand dementia: clearly he doesn't, if he thinks you can train somebody out of it. And "abuse is abuse, even if it is unintentional."

You don't need your father's permission to report concerns, and if APS agree that your mother is at risk of abuse or of neglect of her needs, they don't need your father's permission to intervene and assess her living situation. Tell them exactly what you've told us (apart from the stubborn selfish man that nobody wants to live with part! - the important thing is that he is neglecting your mother's failing mental health, and that both she and he are at risk if she leaves the stove on overnight).
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