Mom Is in her early 90's. She's always been very moody. If things do not go exactly her way, she gets very negative. It's now been where she's crying and yelling (mainly at me). I live at least 170 miles away. She had stayed maybe two weeks with me well over 10 years ago; it was awful. She ruined some of my things, rearranged things her way and replanted plants (because it looked better the way she did it). She lives in her own garden condo, where she has an extensive garden. She used to tend the flower beds, but her mobility does not allow it now. When I do go for a visit, it's an endless list of cleaning, weeding, trimming, laundry - all labor intensive items. It's like she wants to exact some sort of punishment on me, after all I live away (I'm almost of retirement age and I can't switch jobs now, contrary to what she thinks). She actually was glad that I moved away years ago. She now says it was always her dream for us to live together (been her mantra for the past few years, never heard it before). I have a brother who lives within 2 miles of her; he takes her around for errands, makes stops in, but leaves. I am sure he feels the mood swings, but we are not on great terms. He basically clams up, doesn't share any personal details (because she will store any detail and use it somehow against you later). She absolutely refuses to entertain getting any help in and definitely will not go to "no damned nursing home". She has two "kids" who should take care of her 24/7. She'll then go on about how much she did for us growing up (basically the typical mom stuff - which she says no it was not her job to make sure we were fed and clothed). She's now said she also regrets ever having children. She will go on and on about every hurt, real or imagined, going back to when she was a child.
She has limited mobility, especially with her arms and hands. I've offered to make an appointment to one facility there that does some treatment for that sort of thing (or may be able to help). She doesn't want to go when pressed on it, but keeps saying oh I'd pay big money for a cure for this, I can't do anything with my hands and arms (not exactly true - dexterity and loss of strength issues is main complaint).
Even with all of this, I am thinking about perhaps doing a trial run (one week) of her in my home. I'm sick of the calls yelling at me all hours. Not sure it'd be any better, maybe worse. I'm at my wits end with her. She called today crying and yelling because a circuit breaker popped. "I wish I never moved into this damned place", "Oh, it's ok, because I'm the forgotten one!". (We both absolutely did not tell her or advise her to move into her current home, as we knew as soon as something went wrong, which it does with any home, it'd be our fault. History is being rewritten as she now says she wanted to move in with me and buy a home together - at that time, but I refused then. Never heard it before maybe 5 years ago). I'd like to lay out ground rules, but I know I'd be met with "I didn't have any rules for you when you were in my home (which yes, she did but it'd be another argument). I'd give up my bedroom short term as it as a walk in shower. The only thing is I have stairs, so I'd have to get a stair lift before she could even visit. I was hoping maybe even a visit would appease her somewhat, at least for a while. I don't think she'd want to move here full time, as her hometown is all she knows. It's the best city ever in her mind; every other place is "stupid". She did come to stay with me years ago (at least 25 years ago), in another city/state. It was awful then, but she says oh we got along great. Nope. I made up stuff, like being called into work, so I could leave the apartment.
I will admit to avoiding going there, as every time I go there has been a huge fight. I bite my tongue, but even if I look at her sideways, it will set her off. I think I've realized that almost nothing will be good enough, or I will never be good enough for her.
I honestly do not know what else to do. Any suggestions much appreciated.