Hi there! I am looking for some advice. I am 32 and having my first child in December. My dad passed in 2009 (suicide) and my mom hasn't been the same since, understandably. My divorced older sister and her two kids have been living with her the past 6 years but they are moving into their own house in December. My husband, mother and I had all talked multiple times about my mother moving in with us when we have a baby to help with childcare and so she wouldn't be alone. She has no friends and prior to being pregnant I thought this was a great idea. Now that I am pregnant, my mother is being a bit overbearing- telling me how I should feel (when I'm not 100% in love with being pregnant), redecorating parts of my house, and constantly seeks appreciation even when we've thanked her for small things she's done. She plans to sell her house in the spring and giving us money to buy a larger house to fit the growing family and her but I don't know it that will work out. Even with a sit down conversation, I just don't think she will change and I worry we will all grow to resent each other. But I worry it's too late to rescind the option to move in with us. What do I do now? Anyone else experience this?

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I agree with Ahmijoy. It doesn't sound like your mom needs to live with you and it doesn't sound like having her in your home is going to be a great experience for either of you. You won't need a bigger house for a number of years yet. Getting used to a new baby is going to bring enough strains for you right now.

Let your mom get herself a rental place close by (ideally with other retired folks so she can get some sort of social life going ) and see how that works out before you move her in.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Marcia7321

Personally, my vote is a Hell NO! If you are 32 your mom could be anywhere from 50's to 70's. She needs to get her own life. My mother moving in with me helped to destroy my last marriage. She had no boundaries and to be honest I needed more boundaries. It was a constant struggle. She had her own apartment at our house but it made no difference. She kept putting herself into our part of the house and marriage. It is already getting to be a struggle for you, it won't get better. You are not responsible for her happiness. She doesn't need to be alone, she is choosing to be alone. You are probably right on the ball thinking she won't change, because if you move her in with you she doesn't need to change. It will get worse once the honeymoon wears off. Please don't do this.

It isn't too late. Just tell her that on second thought you and husband have reconsidered. She will get mad, that is not your problem. Remember, the old Bible advice/command. That is why a man (or woman) will leave his (her) father and mother and will cleave to his wife (husband) and the two will become one flesh. There is a reason for this command. She will always see you as the "kid" and she is the all knowing "mom".
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Reply to MaryKathleen
Myownlife Jul 23, 2018
Oh, I love you, MaryKathleen, you are right on the money!!! Everyone on here is giving really good advice. But the Oh H*ll no... that takes the cake :)

My only comment is to keep the reconsidered answer to a very simple sentence, no long drawn out reasons or explanations as to why not.
Just a simple, "Oh thanks, Mom, but we've decided it would be best for us to be on our own with our first baby, but we'd love you to come visit now and then." or words to that effect. And maybe say it in a phone conversation so that you can end it when you are ready. "Oh gotta go, Mom, gotta pee... again!" Keep it simple.

I'm not even sure about adding the part about her moving closer. Your mom will figure things out on her own. She is still young. I was 44 when I lost my husband of 23 years, but now, 20 years later, I am happy being on my own (although my 93-yr old mom is living with me, but that is fine), Your mom will find her way and it is so true, you canNOT find happiness FOR her.... she has to want that and find it on her own.

Wishing you a wonderful life and let us know when you deliver!!!
Never too late to change plans on a life monumental decision.
Based on what you've said, this is a "no-no" as a new married mom! Seems you gut feeling is correct on all levels. Top most importance is what's best for your family? Adjustment & time is necessary. Your husband & you can always re-evaluate in the far future; yet, I would not voice any commitments. Many resourses your Mom can persue- by her taking charge of her own life, she'll gradually achieve a whole new level of independence . She'll realize and learn re-renewed & new interests and goals.
It'll be a difficult journey to begin but thank-God she has family support to cheer her along the way.
When beginning a new family, your focus & time committtment on marriage, kids & family is enough. Keeping them as most important is the loving thing you can do for everyone - including for your mom & mostly you! When you, as a "Mom," are doing well, then she's able to do well for her family! 😁
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to CynthiaM

You’re hesitating on this plan for a reason. Trust your gut and change course. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s a real chance for your mom to relearn independence and enjoy life and for you to establish your family life with a child. And I have 4 children, and didn’t 100% love pregnancy with any of them! You aren’t alone in that sentiment
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Reply to Daughterof1930

It's not too late to rescind the option. You could sit down with her and lovingly explain that while you love her and will be there for her, you and hubby really need your own space to raise a family.

Would she be willing to use some of the money from the proceeds of the sale of her home to live in a retirement community instead? There are some really good ones that include meals, housekeeping, and have lots of activities and good socialization. She would still have her own room if she felt like being by herself, but would have other people around as well, and it would help keep her from getting isolated. She might even make some new friends.

I would definitely have the heart to heart talk with her. I can tell you from experience that having my mother here plus a toddler was very nerve-wracking and took a toll on all of us. She recently moved to a senior facility because it was too hard for me to manage all of her needs alone, and the needs of our kids too. It seems like a better living situation for the both of us.
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Reply to FrazzledMama

Many pitfalls in your story....Among them, if you accept money from her to build a bigger house, my hunch is she will mention it VERY often so as to imply (or even claim) that she is not a guest in your home but part of any policy making,,

This will not only affect you, but it also will likely cause your husband to feel resentment towards her as well as you.

How do you tell her?  Just say you and hubs conclude it will be best for her to downsize and live near you.  Do not deviate from whatever decision you and hubs make..

If eventually she becomes very ill or incompetent, then you can decide how to address that situation, ie., rest home or other arrangement.

Grace + Peace

Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to OldBob1936

I just thought about something else for you, husband, and mom to consider. If she ever had to go on Medical or Medicaid, they do a 5 year look back on her finances.

1. Depending on how ownership of your new house is set up, they could
look at her as "giving" you money for the new house as a gift, which would make her ineligible for help. Then how would you pay for her nursing home, rehab, doctors whatever.

2. If her name is on the deed and she has to go on Medical or Medicaid, after she dies the state could well put a lien on your house and take the money she would owe them which could either force the sell of the house or you would have to buy them out. The State's reasoning is, she owned 1/3 or 1/2 or whatever of the house and that money is theirs because they used taxpayers money to help her. Therefore, they want the money back in order to help other seniors. You need to talk to an elder care attorney before going in with her on a house.

What about the tax situation too. If you have it financed, who would take the deduction? How would you split it up? I don't know how they did it, but when we purchased the house we lived in with mom, someone had put an extra meter in the electric lines so we knew how much electricity she used. She was up a lot at nights and used a lot..

I hope I have explained this clearly. Probably someone else can do a better job of it than I did.

Does she have long term care insurance? Where does her money come from now? Will it last? As someone else said, you will need to have her space handicapped accessible, remember you are talking the REST OF YOUR AND HER LIFE.

Supposed the kids are asleep and you want to make love in front of the fireplace on a bear skin rug with champagne? Would she be walking in on you? Suppose he wants to get a little bit friendly when you are standing in the kitchen? Would it shock her? Would it inhibit you and husband? I have been there and had that problem.

You need to be sure he sees these posts and has significant input. Remember, it is his life too. I know you know that, just had to say it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MaryKathleen
Pepsi46 Jul 25, 2018
You hit the nail on the head. I know, because it happened last year to friends of ours. Their Mom sold her house, and gave the money to the son and wife, to buy a house where they could all live.
Well, you are right. Hell broke out after 6 months.
The wife actually threatened to move out.
The mother insisted the house be in all their names.
The Mom in Law got ill, ( is fine now) , but when the son & wife finally went to a lawyer, they got the whole scoop. And it wasn't pretty. Ended up the son & wife are back together, happy. The house was sold as they didn't want to go through the hell you mentioned. Liens, etc. The mother in law, got her own apartment, about 20 minutes away from the son.
She is near churches, senior centers, all stores, the perfect setup.
So, it really did work out in the end. Like you stated, always see a lawyer and get advice.
Their relationship now is perfect. The Mom in law now suddenly joined a bridge club, and then a book club( right through the local library) She has made new friends by doing this.
And yet, she sees and visits the son & wife about 2 times a week. And they invite her sometimes, to go out with them, say to the movies, or a trip to the winery on a Sunday afternoon.
It turned out perfectly.
And not only is the Mom in law Happy in her new apartment, but the marriage between the son & wife, it's like they are newlyweds again.
The difference in them all is amazing.
So, your post was perfect with the advice you gave.
Oh, boy. It’s a grandma’s job to offer pregnancy and child-rearing advice. We do, after all, have the experience and thereby know it all. I do it to my kids and my mom and MIL did it to me. My MIL used to tell childbirth horror stories to my sisters-in-law and me that made us want to cross our legs so the babies wouldn’t come out. 😁.

While my kids accept my advice with a polite but pained smile, I don’t live with them. I have to say that pregnancy made and makes us all ouchy. If you’re not 100% on board with your condition, that adds to it. If she moves in, Mom could very well become your best friend and ally. Free babysitting, watching the baby during the day so you can nap, etc. If she’s healthy enough you won’t immediately need to care for her as well as the newborn. I had a rancorous relationship with my mother and especially with my second child, never relied on her for advice or help.

Having Mom kick in for the house might not be such a good idea since she already needs constant gratitude for small things. At first blush, it may seem agreeable to you to have financial help, but in the long run, if Mom is giving you thousands of dollars for new digs, constant gratitude on your part may get rather tiresome. What about finding an apartment (even a senior apartment) for mom close-by. That way, mom would be there but not RIGHT THERE. Mom is a grown-up and it’s ok if she lives independently. It’s a little late in life for her, but she may do better than anyone expects. Being a “Suicide Survivor” sucks. I know because I’m one. But it’s ok to try to move on. Maybe a little therapy for her. Loving encouragement from her kids that she’ll be ok.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
KristaAlways Jul 20, 2018
Thank you! It does suck. I wish she would go to therapy. But she's set in her ways and won't go.
Nope. I agree with others who suggest she sell and downsize somewhere close to you. You need your own life and she needs to rebuild hers.
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Reply to jjmummert

I’m writing to give a different take on Mom, based on my own situation. It is really really hard to have your life dissolve around you. Getting told to ‘develop new interests’ doesn’t make it any easier.

I had a double degree, a senior job in policy, and was a single mother to my two daughters. Their own careers led to quite a lot of involvement with me in their twenties. I married again and we ‘retired’ to a small farm. There are lots of machines for my engineer husband, but not for me. The closest small town is half an hour away on bad roads, sheep are not good conversationalists, I have never met anyone locally with anything like my background, same with the only local groups, and my daughters have moved on. I was probably expecting too much involvement with them, and am now on bad terms with one. My husband got desperate and moved us for winters to somewhere different, where I am forcing myself to take in interest in craft – I need something to do and people to meet in order to save my sanity. I’m 71.

I couldn’t find a way out by myself, and your mother sounds like she finds herself in a similar situation, though for different reasons. My suggestion for her is to help her live where ‘developing new interests’ is easy, and put what energy you have into supporting that. If I had moved in with a daughter it would have been a disaster for everyone, and left me in an even worse situation when things broke down. For her sake (as well as yours), don’t let it happen!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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