Soon to be first time mom and widowed mom is moving in, but now I'm reconsidering. What to do?

I agree your mom needs friends near her age. Ck out mobile home parks w lots of activity or senior homes w activity. She needs to start going to senior ctr & take day trips, play bingo, play games or cards. She'll get to look forward to her days. It's that first scarring step she'll need encouragement by a person to go with. Good luck.

Krista Always:

Your mother seems too young to be NEEDING to live with her 32 year old daughter.

If you are having doubts, do not doubt yourself.

Some people have kind, loving, intellectual parents who realize that offering unsolicited advice is a no no.

Your mother sounds immature and self absorbed and harboring unrealistic expectation of her role in your life.

If she has dementia or Alzhiemer, than putting her in an appropriate facility is the best thing for BOTH OF YOU and your family.

She will also be able to meet people close to her own age and the staff is better equipped to deal with her.

If you take this woman in, it may destroy your life. It may end with your husband wanting a divorce to escape her, and she may be the type or person that nitpicks in a way that destroys the bond you will be trying to form with your own child.

Please do not allow this mother to move in with you. There is a reason the sister had to separate from her, and likely none of it is good.

Also, someone else mentioned the five year look back of medicaid and gifting.

This will cause a lot of problems down the road, for you personally and in your marriage.

Sit down with your husband and you two decide what is best for your family, both now, next year, and in 10 years. I can tell you from experience that you would be better off with her living nearby in a senior area if possible. Good luck to you.

You can not be responsible for someone else's happiness. You just cant. You will destroy your own happiness trying. This comes from personal experience with my own mother moving in with me and my husband and kids. Long story short she now resides in a nice senior apartment and our relationship will never be the same.

How about finding her an apartment in your area. Does she drive? If not, look for something where she can walk on over and VISIT. This is only MY opinion, but, you need the time with your husband and new baby and yourself.
You have to sit down and tell her, not just you, but with your husband by your side.
the only reason she probably does not have any friends , is because she was living with your sister and her family and was busy over there.
But there are MANY things that she can do. Volunteer work, go to the church or whatever, they always have clubs or outings for seniors. She will do it. Why? Because she won't have a choice.
And don't lay a guilt trip on ourself. You have to do this.
Do NOT let her move in.

You only have one chance for your first year with your baby. The first 5 years. Etc. You need peace. You and your husband need to be able to find your way as parents andbuild your family life day by day. This is a profound, exquisite time of your life. Each person in a home adds to the tone, the energy, the flavor of that home, for good or bad. You won't get a do-over. If you feel that your mother may add stress or strife at this complex, inherently challenging time in your life, "when in doubt, do without." With our parents, living with us is not the only choice for loving adult children. They do not need to live with us for us to be able to help them and honor them.
I am 60 and my mom has been with me for 3 years. I moved into my own small home last year (rented before that) and my memories of the first year are not good due to the conflicts and misbehavior of my mother. My health is declining due to the stress. I am uncomfortable in my own home because i live with someone who doesn't really care about my feelings. She is moving to live near (not with) my sister and i feel that i will be able to have peace and be my healthy self again.
I cherish my memories of raising our children in a loving household that consisted of our 2 children, my husband and myself. I am sure that some people have a wonderful, multigenerational household, but only if the grandparents are loving, unselfish, well-balanced and mature.
A lot of us have aging parents that are not those things. We have a right to protect ourselves from their subtle or not-so-"subtle mistreatment and sn obligation to protect our innocent children whose personalities and view of life can be shaped by everyone in the home.

Hi all, well first of all your mom has been w your sister/kids 6 years, so I'm assuming she has become very a custom to having family around. It is a difficult situation/decision, being mom especially. My suggestion is you definitely need separate private quarters (mother suite) or full apt bsmt..., have a nice long talk w her, set your rules nicely and ask her what she thinks/suggestions, if its not a positive answer then maybe she does need to find somewhere else to live, close by of course. Having our parents live with us could be negative or positive. My mom lives w me and I'm so a custom to her and she to me, NOT easy though we have had our moments, but my mom has Alzheimers I will keep her for as long as I can, it took a lot of guidance/prayers to keep going, believe me it has gotten better. Only YOU know your mom, so you'll have to really think about this one, make sure you include/ask your significant other what he thinks. Hope everything works out for everyone.

Mon "needs" a reason to live and be "needed". She had your sister for 6 years and grandkids....now what to do?

Look for a home with a Mother-in-law suite or possibly one with a guest house in the backyard area with it's own kitchen etc....a mini apartment. Let her decorate it her way.

Just because she's giving advice, she is trying to help.

My Mom would get all upset when our daughter dropped her binky on the floor and I wouldn't wash it! I'd just ask Mom what difference does it make? The kid is crawling on her hands/knees and sticks her fingers in her mouth!

I would tell her that when she took care of our baby she could do what she felt should be done; when I took over as Mom, then things would be done my way.

Even once our daughter was old enough to understand, she was told that at grandma's house, grandma was boss. If you do something wrong, grandma can punish her just like mommie/daddy would do.

We got along really great.

The best thing....if I needed help because Mom had 4 of us, I knew who to call for help. The rule when a kid is not feeling well, fever...if fever keeps getting worse place in a slightly cold bath or use rubbing alcohol and call the doctor. If not, feeling well, slight fever...wait 3 days, baby aspirin then call the doctor.

My Mother was a great source for help WHEN I needed her!!

Always make your Mother feel needed EVEN if you don't follow her suggestions.

My opinion is, No, if you have any doubts don't co-mingle households. Even in situations where everyone is 100% sure it's a good idea I've seen these mixed houses have their struggles. There's no harm in changing your mind or delaying things until you're settled as a family and more sure of where you want your next twenty years to go.

I’m writing to give a different take on Mom, based on my own situation. It is really really hard to have your life dissolve around you. Getting told to ‘develop new interests’ doesn’t make it any easier.

I had a double degree, a senior job in policy, and was a single mother to my two daughters. Their own careers led to quite a lot of involvement with me in their twenties. I married again and we ‘retired’ to a small farm. There are lots of machines for my engineer husband, but not for me. The closest small town is half an hour away on bad roads, sheep are not good conversationalists, I have never met anyone locally with anything like my background, same with the only local groups, and my daughters have moved on. I was probably expecting too much involvement with them, and am now on bad terms with one. My husband got desperate and moved us for winters to somewhere different, where I am forcing myself to take in interest in craft – I need something to do and people to meet in order to save my sanity. I’m 71.

I couldn’t find a way out by myself, and your mother sounds like she finds herself in a similar situation, though for different reasons. My suggestion for her is to help her live where ‘developing new interests’ is easy, and put what energy you have into supporting that. If I had moved in with a daughter it would have been a disaster for everyone, and left me in an even worse situation when things broke down. For her sake (as well as yours), don’t let it happen!

I just thought about something else for you, husband, and mom to consider. If she ever had to go on Medical or Medicaid, they do a 5 year look back on her finances.

1. Depending on how ownership of your new house is set up, they could
look at her as "giving" you money for the new house as a gift, which would make her ineligible for help. Then how would you pay for her nursing home, rehab, doctors whatever.

2. If her name is on the deed and she has to go on Medical or Medicaid, after she dies the state could well put a lien on your house and take the money she would owe them which could either force the sell of the house or you would have to buy them out. The State's reasoning is, she owned 1/3 or 1/2 or whatever of the house and that money is theirs because they used taxpayers money to help her. Therefore, they want the money back in order to help other seniors. You need to talk to an elder care attorney before going in with her on a house.

What about the tax situation too. If you have it financed, who would take the deduction? How would you split it up? I don't know how they did it, but when we purchased the house we lived in with mom, someone had put an extra meter in the electric lines so we knew how much electricity she used. She was up a lot at nights and used a lot..

I hope I have explained this clearly. Probably someone else can do a better job of it than I did.

Does she have long term care insurance? Where does her money come from now? Will it last? As someone else said, you will need to have her space handicapped accessible, remember you are talking the REST OF YOUR AND HER LIFE.

Supposed the kids are asleep and you want to make love in front of the fireplace on a bear skin rug with champagne? Would she be walking in on you? Suppose he wants to get a little bit friendly when you are standing in the kitchen? Would it shock her? Would it inhibit you and husband? I have been there and had that problem.

You need to be sure he sees these posts and has significant input. Remember, it is his life too. I know you know that, just had to say it.

See a family therapist. So many issues here.
It could all go wrong. It could be just fine.
i suspect if you take your mom into your home she will never leave. You are practically insuring it by commingling your funds.
She should get a job so she can have a life of her own would be my advice.
Good luck with the baby!

From your story, Mom has become alive inside, feeling for the first time in a long time a purpose. You are an adult, so you need to sit your mom down as my daughter and son did with me, and let me know they will "ask" when they want my help but they have boundaries. Not only do I respect it but knowing they are on their own, a heavy burden is lifted. You didn't mention your mother's age and in larger house hunting, be sure it has in-aw quarters where she can come and go without disturbing the family and give all a sense of security and privacy.

I am probably your mother’s age and this scenario came up last year. My daughter and her husband had just moved back to my area and were having trouble finding a house they could afford on just his salary as they have three little ones and she was going to stay at home for a year or two. I was looking to downsize so I suggested that we pull our resources to get a large home with a mother-in-law suite or guest house. They turned down the offer, and Boy am I glad they did! What was I thinking?! In my wanting to help them out, I had put aside my own desires for privacy and independence. They finally found a house about 20 minutes from me.
There have been so many good replies. No, it is not too late to make other plans, though be ready for anger and resentment from your mother. I think the best plan is for her to sell her home and find an apartment near you. Others have suggested a senior living community, but she may be too young for that. She is probably going to kick up a fuss, but it will encourage her to try to develop a life separate from yours.

It's not too late!!!! Far better now than after the situation becomes more complicated by her selling her house, or even worse, making you financially dependent or obligated to her for her investment in your (and her) new home, and then finding out it's unworkable or untenable.

My friend had a similar experience. After her dad passed, Mom was afraid living alone, called daughter all the time afraid of people walking by her house, etc.
Friend had Mom move in with her family--3 kids. Disaster ensues. Mom is Mom, Friend is no longer mom in household, Mom thinks she is Mom now. Kids have lots of school activities. Mom refuses to be left alone at home, but refuses to join in school activities. Dislikes the big dog. Friend's husband, who is only home weekends, gets an earful from both sides. On and on.
Finally, Friend finds Mom a nice apartment in a senior complex and tells her she is moving. Mom is heart-broken, mad, unwilling, pitiable. They moved her anyway, fixed up her apartment, etc.
Two or three days later, Mom isn't answering her phone when Friend calls. The other widow ladies in the complex had descended on her like vultures, or like good neighbors who had common stories and situations to share. Mom developed such a social life that Friend couldn't even visit her without an appointment! Couple years later, Mom announces that she's getting remarried!
Your mom has a choice of staying where she is or downsizing to a more attractive environment elsewhere. Elsewhere. How about this: "Mom, I've decided that it just isn't a good idea to continue this plan. Now, before I'm too tied up with the baby and the holidays, I'll be glad to help you look for a more appropriate place elsewhere."
Or, you can move her in and throw her out later, like my friend did. But, pleeeeease, don't take money from her. You already know how that is going to work out.

I lived with my Mom for 8 years. It sounds like your Mom has all positive intentions. Living with family after you leave home and then reunite is challenging. This is my advice after having done this. Buy a house with a mother-in-law suite and set up rules for your house. You can do this in a way that will not offend your Mom if you are straightforward and kind in doing this. Also, help her to start up new friendships and activities so that she has enough going on in her life that she doesn't feel the need to spend all of her time with you and your family. I think it could really work and be a win win for each of you. I still feel sad each night when I visit my Mom who begs me to take her home. It is the hardest thing ever to leave them in a large building with people that are not their family. Hope you can make a decision that will benefit each of you going forward. Best wishes in making the best choice possible.

How does your husband feel about this? Mother in laws can often wreck a marriage. I have seen this occur quite a few times.

We just had MIL move in 3 months ago. Not Working. Sounded so easy to us, she's 88, but she complains everyday. All we do is argue. We are now looking for another place for her.
Please reconsider.

Perhaps your mother might do better in elder community Independent Living or AL( if needed) Can you find one nearby? It is not too late to look for an equitable living situation for her. If you think she is "overbearing" now, how much more so would she become in a shared home situation? Also wouldn't hurt for her to try it out for a short term at least.

Wow..you were awfully young when you lost your dad tragically...but it sounds like you have dealt with it as best you can and moved on to marry and create a life for yourself. The picture you paint is one of perhaps your sister having had enough of mom and wanting her own space free of her.
Having built in child care sounds lovely...but the cost may be far more than you can afford from a psychological perspective...you noted that your mother is being over-bearing right now...to the point of telling you how to feel and controlling...even redecorating YOUR (and your husband's) home. She also is demonstrating a neediness for what appears to be approval perhaps to prove to herself she is a worthwhile individual (does she feel any guilt for the loss of your father?)
If you accept any funds from her to contribute to the purchase of a larger home that will also include her occupancy, you will be further indebted to her. That's a tough situation.
Do not expect to ever change an adult's personality traits...you know the one about a leopard and their spots...can it happen? Yes...but how often?
It's great that you are giving this thought, now...and it's not too late...it's "Mom, I've given this further thought, and I don't think long-term it is a good plan. Getting her own place will give her something else to focus on. You can take the baby there for her to watch, or she can come to your house.
And there is always the option as some have mentioned...separate space for mom...a granny flat addition if the property you were to find would allow for it...but that might still be a bit too close for (your) comfort. Someone mentioned the potential for an adjoining door that locks from your side...but will she bang on it or ring your bell or call you because she wants to be with you? Personally, if it were MY house, I would be really agitated about someone redecorating MY space...but that's just me.
If you hint of your future concerns about resentment brewing she will probably deny it.
You've got some time to work things out...and if this is truly the plan you settle on, maybe the time to engage it is now...i.e. if she's going to continue to stay with you, then maybe have her put her house on the market now and start looking for the place with a granny suite or room (and city approval for?) the separate unit...or a place near where you are now or will be...
Good luck with it all...I'm rooting for you!

Why should it be too late for *everybody* (not just you, i.e.) to rethink this?

I urge you to. There are too many unknowables in the situation, when what you all most need, for different reasons, is security and predictability.

Is your mother getting any counselling? What kind of social circle does she have in her current home? Does she have any family members close to her in age?

What strikes me especially is that you're thinking she might not change "even with a sit-down conversation" about how she's treading on your toes. Well now. If the arrangement's working at all depends on her changing, it's a bad arrangement.

So, yes, rethink. Better a difficult couple of weeks now than miserable, potentially cruel years to come.

People often confuse self-care with selfish. Women are conditioned to take care of others at the expense of their self - care. You have the wisdom here of people much older than you-you don't have to clean up a messy situation six months to a year from now (which will be much more difficult to do). I give you a lot of credit for asking the question and asking for support. I think you really need to look at your mom's underlying strategy to support her insecurities and fears, and framing this as her thinking she is offering you/r family help-support. Your mom is showing her 'true colors' (= psychological make-up) now. This is not a criticism of her-she is doing the best she can, even if she is unaware of her underlying strategies to get her needs met involving moving in with you/r family.
Changing one's mind or commitment is showing maturity. This is not a business contract. You are doing some critical thinking and this is a major plus for you/r family.

I am living the situation that you speak of right now. I am not pregnant and am 50 years old. However mother in law lives with us. Yes, you want to care for your mother because she is your mother and that is what kids are supposed to do right? Would I do this again? NEVER! But I would do the bigger house with an in-law apartment. I would not suggest anyone living with a parent, in law or anyone under the same roof. You will start to resent her and even get angry. You may have words that you cannot take back and the guilt will not go away if you do not take her in. So yes, I suggest doing in BUT, she needs her own section. By section I means she needs her own bathroom, kitchen, living space etc...under her own roof. It is okay if there is a door that adjourns your places (with a lock on your side) but do not live under the same roof and share kitchen and bathroom

The fact that you are 32, with a husband and baby on the way, and asking us if 'its too late to rescind the option" leads me to the short response: "NO, it isn't too late." However, more than that, you are showing that you are critically considering the possibilities and emotional cost of what is to come - for you, your husband, and baby. I would ask you why you consider that your mother would change other than wishful thinking. Do your potential decisions have to do with what might sound like a 'carrot dangling' (psychological persuasion / strategy on your mom's part = $ for larger house) due to her inability and/or fears of being 'on her own.' What could REALLY help your mom is being at 'arm's length' lending support through her own growth while she learns to become aware of new feelings, accept them, and learn how to respond to them. You want a calm, congenial emotional and psychologically supportive environment- bringing a child into your family. Setting boundaries for your mom to visit/help out with childcare while also paying for outside childcare will likely serve everyone. You do not want to put yourself in a position of caring for a new baby, being sleep deprived, and dealing with crazy hormones - and having to deal with your mother's issues, too. It will be a drain and have potential psychological repercussions on everyone.

When my husband and I was able to buy a larger house for mom to move with us, we try to get a home with a in law section. The in law section let mom go to her own place when we got frustrated with each other. There are going to times that will test each of you but in the end you may be glad of her help. Take a piece of paper and physical write down the pro and cons of her moving in with you! Like making meals when you are exhausted from caring for the baby, etc

I love the idea of having your mom downsize , close to you, but not WITH you. EVERYONE will be happier; you, your hubby, your mom, your sister, your husband’s family. Having your mom live with you affects a lot more people over time than you realize.

The truth is not always pretty, but it will set you free.
I understand it’s your mom, and there is a ‘guilt aspect’ working in this situation, but guilt is a very debilitating and unhealthy emotion.
If you feel controlled/manipulated by her (emotionally and financially) into moving forward, now is the time to back out.
My mom sounds much like what you described.
Her health is sound enough to live on her own too after my dad passed away. She moved out of her location/state to live closer to me. I am an only child, so it makes the situation even more exclusive.
It would not work out for me to live with her long term. We get along, but I enjoy my solitude too.
You have to concentrate on your baby and raising him/her in a calm and peaceful (no stress) environment. You deserve to have your own separate life. There should be no set obligation for you to have her live with you. It’s not selfish, it's life.
Its very much about respect and boundaries.

Many people move out of their parents house with good reason,... to become more independent, grow and have their own private life.
I am sure that was the very situation when your mom moved on with her life after leaving her parental family home.
Just move your mom nearby and invite her over to your place as much as you can so she doesn’t feel alienated. See if you can get her more involved with an activity or two to meet people her age.

There is a support group I wanted my mom to go that focused on losing a spouse, but she doesn’t seem interested. You know the old saying,... you can lead a horse to water,....etc,...?
Its true in every case.

Godspeed.

My dad died in January 2017. I'm an only child, there to always help. My mom is now 82, still driving. At the time of my dad's death, we (my husband and I) had her come to stay with us. They had a beautiful home, where she could have maintained for a few years, at least. She didn't want to go back to it, where dad was no longer there. So she stayed with us for 2 months. The first month was ok, we tried to make it the best and easiest for her. I made darn sure all her insurances, health coverages, etc were in order. All was done. The SECOND month, we would drive around until 6-6:30 every night after work, to stay out as long as possible. She is a great person if there is something to focus on. She was "normal" when I had cancer a bunch of years ago. Never got offended at anything, never needed to be the center of attention. This did not continue after I regained my life. One day she got offended by something, don't even remember what, but I was crushed...crying and asking my aunt What the h*ll happened. So. Long story short...my husband and I were fighting, the kids (2 still at home at that time) scattered, one to the basement, one to another city. And I was so enmeshed in my mom's reactions to ANYTHING, my husband definitely took a back seat. The end of the story? I'm crying one night, she's out with a friend, and I asked if she could just stay at her house for that night. It's been a rift ever since. She blames my husband, he can't stand her, as I totally flipped out that night, crying and basically hysterical. After counseling I realized how I didn't need to feel that way, how detrimental it all was to me, my marriage, and my health. We don't have any kind of close relationship. I've tried to tell her how I've felt about things...like why it took almost a year to even ASK me how I felt about dad's death. A year. Her response was extremely negative, like why would I look back? I guess I'm not supposed to have feelings. Yes, I get angry, upset, but now with a little less "feeling". It's too exhausting. So, maybe your situation is different. I hope, for your sake, it is. I've vowed to try and NEVER be so self-centered with my children. We talk, we laugh, we do things together. Good luck and God bless.

Don’t. Do. It.
If you have issues now, just think when baby is here. Everything all other posters have said. You will regret it.

My vote is a huge NO! Not only is there the money situation - which she would most likely hold over your head - but it sounds like she is already taking over part of your life. No matter what your relationship was before, it will degrade quickly. My mother moved in with my husband and I temporarily for five months and we almost got a divorce over it - plus the drama that my brother was causing.

Privacy on every level will be a precious commodity that you will be giving up as well. She will always “be there”.

You will also be facing taking care of her in your home as she ages along with your child(ren). Not an easy task.

As someone else suggested, let her sell her house and downsize. Then visits will be less stressful on you and your family.

I would let her visit to help with the baby for a week or so (but make sure to set a timeframe). Otherwise, I don’t think her moving in permanently is a good idea.