She has been in a skilled nursing facility for 2 years now and I am her only granddaughter and now her guardian. I live 300+ miles away. She gets very angry when we talk about moving because she says I just want to take away her friends, and her friends are her family now. She has lived in showlow for 30 years now, if she was here I could have coffee every morning, my adult children can visit her. I am heart broken that my Grandma’s friends mean more to her, then I do. I have always financially supported her. But her friends/old neighbors have been there everyday. She is confined to a wheelchair after falling and breaking her hip. The only thing she can do for herself is feed herself. I spent $18,000 in court fees to fight her neighbors/friends for guardianship.
I would love to hear from others with similar issues.
I am moving her to Tucson against her wishes, but truly feel it is the right thing to do. She was diagnosed with dementia a year ago.
thanks for listening,
Laura
Honestly, can you put off the move until the dementia has progressed a bit more? She might be less bothered by the move once the visitors aren't as familiar to her, but frankly, anyone who expresses happiness in their living situation should be allowed to stay put. I'm also impressed if she isn't on oxygen at the altitude where she lives.
I get it -- Show Low is kind of isolated and up in the mountains (and a LOT cooler than Tucson), but Show Low is a VERY different place than Tucson. I'd leave her where she is, and stay in touch frequently. At her age, family is who she sees all the time, and grandmother/granddaughter relationships might not be as tight as you expect. I helped my own grandmother move from her home into her niece's house, and when we were cleaning out her house, I discovered she'd thrown out every single picture of our side of the family. She didn't hate us, but her nieces and her side of the family were closer to her and saw her much more often (I, too, lived 300 miles away from her). They were her family more than I was, even though she'd been in my life for 55 years. She was my grandfather's second wife, but she was the only grandmother I ever knew. I didn't mind that she preferred the nieces -- I understood that at 93 she had a right to choose who she wanted to be with.
When I call the nursing home, nobody answers and if they do once they transfer me to the nurses station I don’t get an answer there and it goes into a “cisco” recording where my calls are not being returned.
I plan on going up there sometime next week, but it is hard for me too make this 5 hour trip and then to have to stay in a hotel. But I guess that is a Small price to pay for her stability and for her to feel safe. She does still recognize the couple of friends who do visit her and I thank god everyday, that they are in her life and have continued their friendship though all these Covid restrictions. I do keep in contact with these friends of hers. I am not in a good place to visit with her more than once a month. I take care of both my mom and husband who are also, both disabled and depend on me for care. Thank you so much for your response.
The bottom line for living arrangements for fragile elderly people is “SAFETY”. The next considerations are peace, consistency, and comfort.
Are you aware of any problems in her present living setting that aren’t safe or peaceful or consistent or comfortable. If you have observed deficits in these areas do you have a plan in place that would be an improvement if you were to bring her to you?
As her guardian, have you had reports of cognitive decline to a degree that would require a change in her circumstances?
You will read reports here recommending consistency in care for people who are confused, so you will have to weigh in your own mind what benefits she’ll gain from making a significant move that you know she doesn’t want.
Circumstances being what you’ve described, I think “convincing” her may be the least among the questions to be answered pertaining to this decision on your part.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
It is VITAL to understand dementia, what it does to the person suffering from it, and how to HANDLE them!!!
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
I hope this info helps you as much as it did me. Very eye-opening info.
Dementia is very unpredictable. You may send her into a depression. They do get something in their mind and won't let go. She may end up seeing you as the enemy and be angry and aggressive because of it. Do Not move her near you. At 99 let her enjoy what she has left of her life instead of turning it upside down.
If your grandma has constructed her own San Junipero in her mind, a move could be blowing it up to the point she can't get back. She may never further relate to you as you or ever remember the great-grands, but she has a world where she is comfortable. It's not that she loves the friends more; it's more that they were included in the comforting script her dying brain is concocting.
W
Sorry but you are doing this because YOU want it, not b/c it's 'the right thing to do' for GRANDMA. She's perfectly happy where she's at right now and you can go visit her where she's at rather than uproot her at 99 years old. Why not allow her to live out what's left of her life the way she WANTS to? When dementia is present in an elder, it's important NOT to disrupt their routine or to move them away from their familiar environment whenever possible. That's the truth. If you want what's best for grandma, don't fight her on what SHE wants to do. That's my suggestion. But, since you've already spent $18K in court fees to ' fight her neighbors/friends for guardianship', I imagine you'll move forward with your agenda in spite of any advice you're given here.
Best of luck to grandma in all of this.