I am f/t caregiver to mom. My only sibling/brother has been awol (with a capital A) though my father's illness (he showed up for last call) and now my mom's since 2007. He's a bully married to a bigger bully (she's diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder). Both highly educated but floundering financially due to continuous poor decisions, living beyond their means... not due to the economy.

Backstory: Mom is mild lifelong schizophrenic, I was her favored target as a child, my brother alway received the golden pass.

I take care of ALL my mom's personal care and finances. He skims money here and there, but not enough that the courts will remove him as trustee, yet. (I tried)

Mom is "thriving" 3 1/2 years beyond her 6 month prognosis and I am readying to move her to an OMG marvelous board & care home, where I believe she will blossom.

Problem is I am S-T-U-C-K about contacting my bro for some signatures on legal docs. I have avoided him completely the last few years (not hard, as my problems are his solutions), but I have to email/mail him these docs.

In the past when I needed him for things like this, he devolves weirdly somehow into verbal abuse, calls me a loser, not a professional like him (he was fired from his high paying great job as his wife controls his work life...). they both move every 2-3 years after they have burned every social & professional bridge in town.

What I know:

I am doing an amazing job caring for my mom.
I am a good, albeit imperfect, honest and loyal friend and family member.
I am validated by of every one of my mom's medical care team.
I am validated by her fantastic day care providers.
I am not a martyr. I exercise, eat well, go to caregiver support, bereavement counseling.
I am lucky to have a completely supportive husband.
I am being the person my parents raised me to be.
I feel it a privilege that I have been able to shepherd my parents through their last chapter of life.

What I do NOT know:

Inspite of all of the above, why am I so paralyzed about contacting my brother.
Why am i able to deftly handle most any other bully to the point I can put it on a resume... (I am fortunate to possess a fearless capacity for conflict resolution)...


I am grateful for any collective wisdom from this community~

daughter of chris (two strokes, vascular dementia, global aphasia, mild lifelong schizophrenia)

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Why not bring in a mediator to be the go between you and your loser brother? Take the worry out of it by getting someone that your brother and his wife CAN'T intimidate, and let that person handle it. But your brother isn't going to want his meal ticket moved into a place that going to cost money, cause like I said, there goes his meal ticket and her money into (gasp) her own CARE!!
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breathdeeply Do you have a copy of the trust? What Type of Trust. You mentioned co-trustee are you the "CO-Trustee"? This is how I deal with .....(my situation that sounds a bit familiar....similar to yours as in feelings and your role as a caregiver) . Don't waist your energy on how your brother makes you feel. Use that energy to educate yourself on how he is not filling his legal duties and how you are.
Trustee and/or Co-trustee are very important duties "legal duties".
I gather from what you wrote above, that you are confident and have a good support system this helps you a lot. You also have witnesses to your actions and what you do on your parent's behalf. I asked if you have the documents because obviously your brother is not taking them seriously!!!!
You need to read every word and define your duties and powers.
Your answers are there in the priorities of the Trust Agreement.
YOU have a weapon against him, so to speak which is...."YOUR ACTIONS".... he can say words to hurt you, but the reality is "HIS NON-ACTIONS" and wrong doing, are his weakness.
I will add that Karma has a way of not missing a target good or bad!!!
Your parent's are lucky to have you and I bet your husband and all the people that see your care for your Mom, is a genuine from the heart role for you. When your brother wakes from his dream he will find that you busted his bubble because you are not worried about protecting yourself from harm in a weak translucent shield, you've been holding the pin that his fragile bubble can't touch.
He's just trying to protect his weaknesses with harsh words... he's hoping you'll drop the pin so he can float forever, HE CAN'T UNLESS YOU DROP THE PIN!!!!
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