She has been in SNF for 4 months which is finally nearby where my husband and I live, but she expects us to visit and bring her things all the time (some of which are not permitted). We recently cleaned out her apartment as she is physically and mentally unable to manage on her own and has many health conditions. We were driving 2 hours each way to visit her and then worked in her apartment until we found a wonderful SNF nearby us. Now she calls and freaks out when she wants something that has already been donated. I am not talking about jewelry, family photos or heirlooms, but things that she cannot use in her new residence or that are considered contraband. Her phone calls are mostly negative as she is very self-absorbed and has no regard for our private life and personal responsibilities. I cringe every time the phone rings because she is verbally abusive and demanding. A big part of the problem is that she wants to lives with us but needs 24/7 care and has acted very domineering when she has visited in the past, so we feel we made the best choice. I am her POA and have been handling all financial matters as well as being her health care advocate interfacing with doctors, nurses, therapists, dieticians, social workers, etc., but that doesn't seem to be enough. Thank God that my husband is in this all the way supporting me and treating her like a mother rather than a MIL. There is no one else to do this if we don't (she is divorced and my sibling lives out of state) and we are doing the best that we can. During the good times which are rare with her I don't mind and am happy to help, but then she reverts back to her mean self again. And she does not have dementia and aces all the cognitive tests. When in front of others she acts like we have the best mother-daughter relationship. Everyone thinks that she is wonderful and such a delight, but they do not see the narcissistic side that we do. Not once has she thanked us and said that she appreciates our efforts and has even accused us of mishandling her funds and her possessions. My life has been turned upside down and I am totally stressed. Any suggestions???

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There are threads here that are wonderful discussions on narcissistic mothers and how to cope with them. I hope you’ll read those. You’ve gotten a safe place for your mother to live in and be cared for. Start accepting less calls from her, the NH will let you know if there’s anything truly wrong. Don’t defend or explain yourself to her. Don’t be drawn into conversations about her living arrangement or anything else that’s not going to be different. Each time any verbal abuse starts, hang up or leave. There are many here who manage their loved ones care from a safe-for-them distance, with good reason for it.
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MissGypsy, time to pull out the "therapeutic fibs" when your Mom wants you to bring something that you had donated. Whenever you visit and she asks for that item just "oh, I forgot to bring it", then drop the subject.

When Mom calls say "I can't talk right now, we are heading for an appointment, I will call you back" and hang up. That way you feel like you had won :)

You did the right thing putting Mom in a senior facility as she needs a village to take care of her, and the first shift Staff only needs to help her for 8 hours until the next shift arrives. The Staff can go home and have a good night sleep.

If Mom lives with you, then it is a village of 2 working 168 hours per week. I believe older parents still believe we are in our 20's and 30's and have a ton of energy. I know my parents did.
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It will take time for your Mother to adjust to this new phase of her life. Losing one's independence must be hell 😞.

So I'd be empathetic but set boundaries for your own self-care.

Think of it like toddler tantrums! They don't have have a huge amount of reason - just know what they WANT, they want it NOW & YOU have to do it!!!

How many phone calls & visits a week is reasonable for you?

ie Let's chat Monday & Saturdays, visits on Sundays.

Let her know to buzz for a nurse for a medical problem & reinforce you will call again XX day/time. That you care, but you won't be calling everyday.

Many, many on this forum have had to do similar... Hopefully some will write in with tips & tricks. Basically it will be about standing up for yourself (I am still learning...).
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