We 4 sisters have been her lifeline since dad passed 7 years ago. She is not kind, or grateful, or nice to any of us. We want to step back but feel guilty.
Thanks. Mean moms do suck!I do know what A Narcissist is. I was married to one for 10 years before I finally got out and got myself back. I believe she is like one but missing some of the traits. (Not many). At this point she is 85. Failing health wise and we all recognize this. She does apologize when she is obviously wrong. She has no joy in her life and makes no attempt to create or find that. She’s depressed and lonely and doesn’t want to be here. Our motto is : one day at a time.
Do you feel guilty or does she send you on a guilt trip?
Big difference in my opinion, either way, if you haven't done anything wrong then what is the guilt about?
I read your profile and I have to agree with your mom. When people want to borrow money from us, we require them to show us their budget. It is how we have always done it, if you are borrowing from us you have led us to believe that you will pay us back, what is the reality with the finances and how will you pay this money back. Banks require full disclosure and information, so I feel like you should be willing to do business as business regardless of the players.
How is the AL facility ensuring that she is eating if she can't feed herself? Is her care being compromised because of her decline?
I don't blame her for not wanting to move, she sounds like she has her mind and adult homes are less private than ALs, as well as a less cognizant clientele as a rule.
If you can't afford to visit as often, tell her that. If she demands that you come help her, tell her that you need a care contract and payment for coming. She can only control you if you let her.
Hi. Thanks for your response. Regarding the guilt. It’s since our childhood and we still tend to feel guilty about things she says:does. Yes, that’s on us and we are all trying to understand why this is the case. Regardless, we totally love her more than anything else. Using humor helps deflect the difficult times, for us all. Regarding the money, she offered it (I was not in the best place when I did the profile so some parts were obviously omitted). I told her I didn’t want to take it because I could not pay her back. She said she was in a position to help and wanted to do so (it is until I find an affordable place to live. I should know in a week if I am still in the waitlist or if I got in. It is in her town. The thing with the budget is this. I ASKED her to review it with me. It is her money and I wanted to know she had a voice. The hard part is that she continues to want me to cut back further. I have explained and shown her updated spreadsheets about how some of the “ categories “ are under estimated ( car expenses) or even lacking (personal care ie haircut). Regarding visits I have had 2 knee surgeries since August and it is simply a matter of being unable to make the drive. I did go on the train once It proved difficult. I guess you’d have to know her to understand her! She is well liked by others which is great (of course she then talks about them behind their backs!). As I said, we all love her and try to appreciate where she came from so we can understand her now. When my dad was alive one of my sisters took him aside and asked him why he let my mom talk to him the way she did. His answer was the he knew her childhood background and loved her anyway. So that’s that. I think she still misses him terribly after 57 years of marriage and she’s angry he’s gone. I also believe she really doesn’t understand the impact her negative comments and actions affect us.
Hi. Yes there is a POA. All the necessary paperwork regarding medical decisions, DNR, and executor are complete. She’s very alert - no issues there. We understand that is is stressful for us AND her
Why isn't she going from AL into LTC if she can't feed herself? Does her facility not have LTC? She shouldn't worry about running out of money if the facility accepts Medicaid recipients. They can't kick her out. She will get the same care and amount of attention as private pay residents.
Thanks for responding. I should be more clear. I’m not familiar with some of the terminology. She is currently in assisted living receiving full assistance. She can only eat with her left hand and that is starting to fail. This place checks on residents and know (if a resident is eating or not so no problem there). They do have a policy that if a resident cannot feed themselves then they can no longer stay. Between the time I wrote and today she has decided she needs to find another place to live and is looking at an Adult Family Home. We are fortunate that a friend of hers helps elderly people find suitable living places as her job. We are optimistic that she is onboard and ready to move. For now that’s all we can ask for. It’ll be a couple of fast decisions being made but she does have friends and her family to support her.
Big difference in my opinion, either way, if you haven't done anything wrong then what is the guilt about?
I read your profile and I have to agree with your mom. When people want to borrow money from us, we require them to show us their budget. It is how we have always done it, if you are borrowing from us you have led us to believe that you will pay us back, what is the reality with the finances and how will you pay this money back. Banks require full disclosure and information, so I feel like you should be willing to do business as business regardless of the players.
How is the AL facility ensuring that she is eating if she can't feed herself? Is her care being compromised because of her decline?
I don't blame her for not wanting to move, she sounds like she has her mind and adult homes are less private than ALs, as well as a less cognizant clientele as a rule.
If you can't afford to visit as often, tell her that. If she demands that you come help her, tell her that you need a care contract and payment for coming. She can only control you if you let her.
Regarding the money, she offered it (I was not in the best place when I did the profile so some parts were obviously omitted). I told her I didn’t want to take it because I could not pay her back. She said she was in a position to help and wanted to do so
(it is until I find an affordable place to live. I should know in a week if I am still in the waitlist or if I got in. It is in her town. The thing with the budget is this. I ASKED her to review it with me. It is her money and I wanted to know she had a voice. The hard part is that she continues to want me to cut back further. I have explained and shown her updated spreadsheets about how some of the “ categories “ are under estimated ( car expenses) or even lacking (personal care ie haircut).
Regarding visits I have had 2 knee surgeries since August and it is simply a matter of being unable to make the drive. I did go on the train once It proved difficult. I guess you’d have to know her to understand her! She is well liked by others which is great (of course she then talks about them behind their backs!). As I said, we all love her and try to appreciate where she came from so we can understand her now.
When my dad was alive one of my sisters took him aside and asked him why he let my mom talk to him the way she did. His answer was the he knew her childhood background and loved her anyway. So that’s that. I think she still misses him terribly after 57 years of marriage and she’s angry he’s gone. I also believe she really doesn’t understand the impact her negative comments and actions affect us.