How much propping up of an elder so they can stay in their home is more than enough?

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She can hardly even stand at the sink and make herself a sandwich, nothing that requires standing, walking, or using hands. It's now taking a village and a half to keep her in her place.

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mally1, glad to hear you're making some progress and thank you for letting us know. Obviously your situation remains hard. Kudos to you for your efforts to make the best of a difficult situation. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation without the availability, affordability and close proximity of good help.

shakingoffdust, your situation also remains hard. Kudos to you for your efforts to make the best of a difficult situation. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, either. That may sound repetitive, but you and mally1, are both pretty amazing (as are the many, many other caregivers in this forum).

My WWII dad never drank and the memory care facility he's lived in since last August is the best I could find anywhere in the area and is just a pleasant 5-mile greenbelt bike ride from my home and I'm usually glad to make that ride every single day. Most of us have had to overcome obstacles in caring for our parents/spouses, but some have more or harder obstacles. That said, like shakingoffdust, caregiving affected my employment and as my dad's guardian/conservator I may soon have to take legal action against a sibling trustee of my dad's house, so even those of us who have it easier are not entirely without trials. Best wishes to all.
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Reply to bicycler
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Thank you all! Finally got her to call her SW to start the application for Medicaid; she would never discuss it before. Also, on her drs advice, she called a PT, who won't come to her apt (it's a nightmare to get her anywhere; I can no longer do it alone), but he's looking for someone else for her; how nice of him! So there is some progress to report; her helpers are getting worn out, because of the level of help she requires and the many errands. We live in a small town where it is almost impossible to get decent help in any of the businesses, and the TWO caregiving companies cannot staff people. My mom has the only employee one of them has at present, and only because she had her first... but she's wearing down. No ALs take Medicaid here, and NH is full; the one 30 miles away has a bad rep; probably have to go 60 miles away, so hope we all hold up awhile longer.... she's spooking me, though, calling and falling.
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Look for alternatives before you resent enabling her to stay in place. Now is the time to tour assisted living or other housing arrangements before a crisis happens like an emergency room visit because her legs gave out and she hit her head. Burnout starts slowly.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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I’ve helped several people age in place. It is hard.
Expectations have to be inline with the availability of help. No solution is perfect. They all require advocates and assistance no matter where they live.
I’m like a broken record on this but read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It will refresh your attitude and help you with a game plan.
Since she’s not incompetent have real conversations about the future. She may not realize how close the future is. Make sure she has her legal documents in place in case she needs them. She needs to pay her on way. That will keep her more realistic about her choices.
If she lives at home alone it sounds like she would be eligble for home health and therapy to help her with her mobility issues.
My motto is “everyone’s life matters.”
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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mally1, you've got a couple of good answers from Eyerishlass and shakingoffdust. Assisted living will probably be less expensive than any alternative, especially if you don't ignore the unpaid costs of family caregivers. But if unpaid family caregivers are willing and able to provide help in sufficient amounts without endangering their own health and family well-being, then I think that's a good, compassionate and probably temporary solution.

shakingoffdust, I hope we really haven't been "stupid enough" to provide the level of care needed and instead that we were compassionate enough to do so for as long as we were able. But to your point, I think, compassionate people often get abused enough by others so that it appears there's some stupidity involved.
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If you have a village and a half that is willing and available to keep her in her home set up a schedule for people who are helping out. Get organized. However, this isn't usually the case in most families as people have jobs and kids and spouses and lives that need tending to as well.

You know what the other alternative is. Assisted living. If members of the family or friends protest then ask them if they can pitch in more so she can continue to stay in her home. When it comes to placing our loved ones in a facility there are often dissenters among the family members but are those dissenters willing to do more, give up more, sacrifice more of their own lives so that the person can stay in their home?

When it takes a village to keep one person upright, safe, and in their own home it's probably time to look for alternatives.
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