My mom was recently hospitalized for severe depression after a very severe leg fracture. While hospitalized for the depression, she developed a blood clot and infection in the leg which required her to have another surgery. She has been in the hospital for 4 weeks and while her depression is better, it was advised that if she cannot have 24/7 care she will need to go to inpatient rehab. She told me tonight that I haven't done anything for her. I am the one who has been taking her back and forth to drs visits, grocery shopping, laundry, and most recently, recognized that she needed to be hospitalized for severe depression with psychotic features (she has been hospitalized off and on throughout my childhood). I've been told to "not let her comments upset me" but I am working over 40 hours a week and babysit my grand baby twice a week while juggling all the phone calls to several drs, nurses, and other staff to ensure her needs are met in the hospital on a daily basis. She calls me several times a day while I'm at work crying that the staff is mean to her and how she needs to get out of there and go home. I have followed up with hospital admins and nurse managers with my moms complaints. But no matter what I do, she doesn't seem to think I am helping her and is so angry when we talk. I know she has been through a lot but I don't know how to balance helping to care for her while not letting her comments get to me. I know it's a waste of time trying to convince her that I'm doing all I can. Any advice?
I just read your addendum. Poor you. I see this every single day where families that are not involved in the every day care of the patient, have lots of suggestions. Wishing you well.
Like if a Mother bird keep feeding her young they may not learn the skill of finding their own worms. Not a great analogy.. sorry.
By stepping up to be Mom's *fixer* it may give her permission to act the *victim*. Nothing is done for me, no-one cares, I have been mistreated etc.
By allowing the natural consequences to happen ie from acute care to rehab if 24/7 care required - this can change that pattern. Same again when rehab reaches it's end - if 24/7 care is still required, she does not return to living alone.
This is the adjustment many people must face. Growing old. You cannot fix it.
You can show your empathy, help her & use your healing skills in other ways. Become her advocate for good care, offer emotional support instead.
Has your mother been tested for dementia? It seems to me that these mothers who are never happy & who chronically complain & suffer from lifetime depression wind up being diagnosed with dementia when they get old.
I think you've gotten some great advice here from tygrlly1 so try to step back a bit and take care of YOURSELF now. Nothing you do for mom will ever be 'enough' anyway and once you realize that, THEN you can back off realizing there's no point in jumping through fiery hoops in the first place. Once I had that aha moment, I was able to breathe a bit more knowing that all my efforts were useless, so why was I trying so hard? You know what I'm saying? Women like this live to make others know they're unhappy..........so okay, we hear you! You're unhappy! Gotcha. Move on with your own life and let the medical experts treat her depression or mental illness or whatever it is. And good luck TO them.
I hope you can have a relaxing holiday and let go of others' opinions of you. As long as YOU have a good opinion of yourself, that's all that matters. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
For now Rehab is temporary to get her strength back. The first 20 days Medicare pays 100%. 21 to 100 days 50%. 100 days is not a guarantee. All depends on how she progresses and how much effort she puts into the therapy. Medicare determines how long she stays in rehab. So, she can be discharged anytime before the 100 days. If she is there the whole 100 days and its felt she needs 24/7 care, this means Skilled Nursing care. Your first post I think said Mom has no money. If this is true, then Medicaid will need to be applied for and her SS and any pension will need to go to offset her care. Meaning, no money to keep up the house. So, can be sold at Market Value and money used for her care.
You have gone over and above concerning what you do for Mom. 40 hrs a day was enough for me when it came to a job. When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was deal with the stuff you do for ur Mom. She needs to realize that what you do for her now is not a forever thing. She needs to work to get her independence back because you have a life of your own. If its found she needs 24/7 care, then its a Nursing home because you cannot care for her and she can't afford homecare. I believe in a little threat.😊 Do Not move her in with you, I can tell from your post it won't work. While she is in rehab, use it for a break. Your other post says Mom wants to sell her house. Maybe look into that and see what she can get. Then look for an apt with rent within her means using the proceeds from the house to help offset extra costs. There are resources out there to help her. Your County office of aging can help there.
I am 72 and I can see my daughters helping but not allowing me to take advantage. One is a Nurse, so I wouldn't be able to get anything by her anyway.
From the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud:
You are not responsible for the reaction you get when you tell someone "NO".
Remember, too, that No is a complete sentence. That people can only get away with what the do if you allow it. You really need to set those boundries as much for her as for your sanity. And stick to them.
I hope you can set boundaries that protect you and your needs.
If at all possible do not take her calls while you are at work. If you have to tell her it is a policy that has been in place but they are cracking down on all personal calls, particularly during the holidays.
You probably can not chan…make that you can not change your mom but you can change how you react to her. Set boundaries.