How have family members come to an agreement when it is time to move a loved one to a facility?
Just a little background.....I feel like I would have to write a book to get everything in here that I want to say but if you are on this site........you all know the basics..... Maybe I really just want to vent........My sister, her husband (both are disabled and do not work outside the home) and myself (I still work) live with my parents while caregiving for both of them. My brother spends the night 3 days a week to care for dad during the night. My sister and BIL have him the other nights and during the day while I am at work. Our brother has made it pretty clear that he really doesn't want to be there helping to take care of them and thinks we are doing dad a disservice by having him at home instead of a facility. He made the comment that dad would have been better off if he would have died on the table while having the surgery that 4 doctors said they would not advice having. We are afraid that he will stop helping at some point and it feels as though it may be soon. He recently retired and told us he is NOT spending his retirement taking care of mom and dad. Dad is immobile a lot of times (due to the dementia and other physical problems, thus the surgery that is needed but not advised), we use a lift when his legs are not working well but try to have him walk as much as his legs will allow so he does not lose what little he has. Our brother cared for his MIL with dementia in his home but she was not immobile and did not have near the amount of issues that dad has. It feels as though he thinks he knows it all because he cared for his MIL but the issues are not anywhere close to being the same. Dad can not do most things for himself and my brother gets very frustrated and in a hurry with dad which only makes dad react in a bad way and in turn....my brother........we have been woke in the middle of the night a few times because they are having a screaming match that we have had to step in and stop because dad cussed at him or whatever happened this time and he is not going to let his dad treat him that way. Our mom was recently diagnosed with UIP for which there is no cure. She is on oxygen 24/7 and gets out of breath just talking or eating let alone anything that takes any amount of energy. She is feeling overwhelmed and guilty because she can't help take care of dad or with the house or much of anything. Our brother has been in her ear when we are not around and she is now talking about it may be time to put him in a facility. Mom and dad are both depressed and I'm sure they think often of end of life stuff now. I try to think of how I would feel....they have been married 67 years........I can only imagine how they feel knowing they are coming to the close of their lives. How have people that have had a difference in opinion on if a loved one should be put in a facility or left in their home come to an agreement? My other siblings and I believe at this point we are able to care for him as well as a facility if not better. They just don't have the number of people required to care for a person they same way that family can care for them. No fault of their own.......it seems to be the way of our society.