I was able to get Mom settled into assisted living, at a very nice place. My brother, 53, who has lived with her all of his life, and refuses to work, comes to the assisted living facility everyday and sits there with her from 9am-9pm. His being there keeps her from enjoying the residents and the activities, and he is problematic with the staff. Mom apologizes for his behavior when he leaves, but will not tell him to move on with his life. She feels responsible for him, and I believe, a little afraid of him. This week, I got a call from the facility telling me that my brother gave a 30 day notice to remove my Mom from the facility to bring her home. She is 90, frail, not able to walk without assistance, and substantially overweight, so ambulation and self care are not really possible. Of course she would rather be home, but my brother is poisoning her mind each day about the people and the facility, and refuses to encourage her to adapt. They are also hoarders, and the home is currently unsafe for her. Afraid that he will try to take her out anyway, I contacted the facility, told them about the condition of the home, about her inability to even access the home due to too many stairs, etc. I am asking that they request her home health care service to perform a home check, to certify that it is in a condition that would not be unsafe. This is not the case, and my brother may not even let them in to examine the property. We are also planning a care conference, at which the findings from all concerned could be presented, and he will hear it from them. I am feeling upset and awful because I know that she wants to go home, but I feel that I cannot allow that to happen unless or until the house can be made safe for her. She requires two persons to assist her in all of her goings on, and my brother has told her that he can do it by himself. I have to stop this, and want her Dr. to also weigh in on her ability to be safe and maintained at home. Does this all seem reasonable? I am afraid for what my brother might try to do, but I live 8 hours away and can't monitor the situation regularly. He won't even let me in her house, and has hidden her keys away from me. He is unstable, and refuses to listen to anyone. An example is that this week, he got into an argument with the caregivers because he insisted that Mom’s used incontinence products be stored and kept in her room rather than being thrown away for health and safety. This whole thing is making me kind of crazy, and I am really afraid for Mom. Am I approaching this in the right way? Any input would be appreciated. Thanks so much.

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Your mother sounds competent and knows her son is not.
Is mom self pay at the ALF? Is he concerned that he will lose his home? That Medicaid will be brought in? What is the plan for him when mom is gone? You know your mom must be concerned about what is going to happen to him. It must be very stressful for her to have him there everyday and her having to apologize for him.
Could you speak with the fire department or police department or APS and have the home evaluated for safety with their assistance as brother is being confrontational?
It seems like you will need to pull out all the stops to protect your mom.
It could be brother will have to be barred from the ALF in order to give her a chance.
Please let us know how this plays out. When is the care meeting?
Perhaps you can negotiate with the two of them. Tell mom you will do what it takes for her to get home but they have to work with you. Perhaps that could include brother getting some medical evaluation, the house being made ready etc. That might keep him busy for awhile and away from the ALF.
You seem very caring of your mother. Good luck to you all.
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There was a reason you got Mom placed in the first place so do not let her go back to that situation.
I agree brother is probably mentally ill but also without Mom paying the bills he is pretty short of money.
A room mate in one hospital had a husband that came and sat all day. He came at 7 am , turned the TV on and waited while she ate what she wanted for breakfast then helped himself, same thing at lunch and dinner and finally left about 10pm. I had the window bed and when my curtains were closed he would walk past to the window and try and peek in. the nurses threw him out for that.
I think APS is your first step and take it from there. Can you get the staff to come and take Mom to some activities even if it is for PT or to the hairdresser then put her in the lounge for a while. As far as the dirty diapers are concerned the staff should just come in and remove them. If he tries to physically prevent them have them call security or police and have him removed
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Thank you. I have Mom's DPOA, and a second brother has medical directive. (he is not inclined to be involved. He and the other brother almost came to blows in the hospital, and he has vowed to never come back as long as the brother is there with Mom.) I am going up to visit a week from today, and hope to connect in person with the admins of the facility and possibly her physical therapists. It took quite a bit of doing to get Mom into AL, but I was aided in part by her inability to navigate and enter the home. She was coming from skilled nursing after a hospital stay. He fought me each step of the way. Now that she is a bit better than she was in hospital, brother has made a decision to take her home. He does live in her home by himself now, but I really do think that he has unaddressed mental issues. Because he won't work, he has to rely on her giving him $$$, but I have now taken over the payment of all medical bills and her accounts (I access online), and the only account that he has access to (because of her insistence at not upsetting him) I keep a limited amount of her money so he can't do much damage. He wants that to change as well. Not going to happen. Thanks for the guardianship recommendation. I will know more when I arrive up there, and I have cancelled the 30 day notice. The business manager told brother that only I could give notice as Mom's DPOA, but he submitted it anyway because he just doesn't understand that he is no longer in control of Mom or her circumstance.
Thank you all for your assistance and the great link. You are invaluable. I'll let you know how my visit goes.
Have a beautiful day!
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The biggest question is who has Mom's Power of Attorney for health? If brother has it, you're wise to get Adult Protective Services involved. He sounds like he's mentally ill and unable to function without mom in the home with him. I'm amazed you got mom placed in a facility in the first place. How did you accomplish that? Was brother on board with that idea?

Guardianship may be the only route and an elder care attorney is a good idea. Please keep us posted.
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I would get Adult Protective Services involved asap, make sure AL has documented or documents all you posted now, cancel 30 day notice and make a trip to visit mom. Why can't brother live in home without mom? From what you have posted there is no doubt that APS will act on behalf of mom, she may need to become a ward of the state. Does anyone have POA for mom, if you do you can stop brother from visiting, may have to file a restraining order.

Best of luck and please keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (5)

idaandbill, excellent idea about having a care conference. Hopefully your Brother will attend. Maybe, or maybe not, then and only then will he realize that Mom cannot go back home. But he sounds very stubborn.  And he only knows "home" with Mother being there, since he never went out on his own.

I don't know how much authority the Assisted Living facility has regarding keeping a resident in the facility, if a family member wants to move a resident out. Ask the facility what suggestions they may have, as this won't be their first rodeo.

You may need to hire an Elder Law Attorney and see about getting Guardianship over your Mother. Then only you can make decisions for her. Oh, who is Mom's Power of Attorney? Or does she have one? Hopefully it isn't her son.

Here is an article by Aging Care regarding Guardianship:
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