I've recently moved back to my hometown in Florida to be closer to my dad, who is in a SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility). The reasons for this are several: 1) my sister would not move back and was threatening to move him to where she lives in the PNW 2) I am not very career-focused at the moment and 3) I don't have a lot holding me elsewhere.
The past six months have been a gradual process in "moving" back, but mainly I have been here with him. He has had several scary health events taking precedence over all else, and there were the holidays, plus a crisis with his twin brother that I attended to, and now things are getting back to normal (?) .
My problem is that my sister wants to retain control over him and his care entirely. For instance, the nursing team and therapy are calling her, when I am right down the road. Then I go in to see my dad and I'm not sure who the nurses are or what is going on. I have been trying to discuss this with her since last summer and she keeps deflecting my requests - it's never the right time.
Today we had a care meeting that she basically controlled from the phone, while I am sitting there feeling useless. Afterwards I asked her to talk with me about it again, but she deflected, again.
I finally called and tried to say that all I was asking for is to tell the staff to call me for daily stuff - he won't take his pills, was aggressive, etc. She can keep tracking all of the meds and such and dealing with the administrators, etc. She had to think about it and "might" be able to make a decision this weekend (it's been six months already...)
For me, it feels horrible to not be able to really care for my dad - I have to go through her in a way. But I know she has some issues with my dad's decline. It feels personal, like she is saying I am not responsible enough, but I think it is more about her and knowing she is going to lose him. So that is all the emotional stuff.
In the meantime, my dad is the one who is losing out due to our bickering. To me it just does NOT seem like such a big deal - during a crisis last fall I had the "daily reins" and all was just fine.
I don't want to confuse the SNF staff and put them in between us... I want to provide a united front, and of course I can't upset my dad with any of this.
Well, thank you. Just in writing this I see history repeating and have an idea of how to handle it.
Thanks for listening.