How does one deal with the guilt and feelings of abandoning your loved one when moving them to a memory care facility.

It’s a matter of changing your focus. While it may not have been the outcome anyone wanted it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t the best decision. Guilt would be for if you’d not acted in the loved ones best interests. And you’re not abandoning them at all, you’re still a caregiver, now in a different but hugely important role. The memory care staff needs to see regularly that your loved one is a resident that is cared for, you’re the eyes on the place, overseeing care and ensuring that things are as they should be. I know it’s hard, but please don’t spin your wheels in guilt, use your time and emotions to be a positive caregiver in the new environment

I completely understand the guilt. I don’t think I will ever get past it. When people say “visit regularly” how often are others going to check on loved ones & to visit. Some of the staff who seem legitimately GOOD at caring for our loved ones seem to imply & sometimes even tell me that I visit too often, and it doesn’t give my mother a chance to “settle”. Personally I am not expecting her to ever settle. She never stops asking / begging to go home, even though it’s unclear if she knows where home is. When she was “home” she physically & verbally battled my father to the point that we were advised by their Drs that they should no longer live alone together (Dad does not have dementia - but was becoming more & more frail even with me staying with them pretty much full time for the last 7 months. He also hid a great deal of what he has been dealing with for well over a year before I moved in.)

I’m following for please other’s advice & experiences. It’s so true what I’ve read here - that even our closest friends really don’t understand what we are going through unless they have lived it too.

The grief and sorrow are only natural, sometimes we are stuck between that rock and hard place and there are no good solutions so we have to make due with the options available. Yes, it sucks to have to watch someone we care about suffer from this crappy disease that robs them of so much, but it's not. your. fault. - you didn't create this and you can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

You are not abandoning them, this is where they need to be, in fact, you are doing exactly the right thing, providing them with 24/7 professional care.

Guilt is the buzz word of the 21st Century, it is driven by fear, it is a self imposed emotion that will keep one stuck, take a minute and Google False Guilt, it may be of some assistance to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have done nothing wrong.

Turn these negative thoughts around, they serve no purpose. Sending support your way!

DollyMe, that's a great solution about exploring the theory of False Guilt. It really makes sense. It must be terrible to struggle with this kind of thing, but, there does seem to be ways to eliminate it.