In my prior days of magical thinking, I just assumed that my husband and I would move in with Mom at some point. After several major heart issues reoccurred for my husband last summer, that delusion on my part disappeared. DH is my first priority, full stop.
Since my father's sudden death several years ago, Mom has exhibited more and more evidence of cognitive decline (memory, judgment, reasoning, etc). She denies it all, and flatly refuses any visit to a doctor, even for a physical. She is in generally good physical health and on no meds - very uncommon for 85. She "would know if something were wrong" since she was an RN for 50 years.
How do you not lose your own mind when you are daily interacting with someone whose reality is not exactly what SHE thinks it is and who avoids planning for her aging future? "I hope God just takes me" is not a plan. I'm trying to learn to manage the stress of constantly being "on," monitoring my mom's wellbeing. Some narcissistic tendencies of Mom's make it even more stressful and frustrating.
You have excellent advice given already. I didn’t read all the posts , but if no one mentioned it. Do not move in with Mom or move Mom in with you . It can make it more difficult to get her placed in a facility . When she ends up in the ER . You tell them she lives alone and you work and can not take care of her . Otherwise sometimes they really try to force you to take mom back home with you if you live with her .
I think (could be wrong) that memory issues with reversible causes (UTI, or medications...though medications wouldn't be an issue in your mom's case) don't come on gradually but rather more quickly.
However, if you suspect a reversible medical cause for the cognitive issues, by all means try to get her to a doctor. Just don't go with the goal of forcing a dementia diagnosis if one is not needed for some specific purpose. Think about what would change, exactly, if you were able to get that diagnosis.
It seems that many former medical professionals avoid doctors.
I would start to modify that statement every time it came up to "Stay at home - As Long As Possible".
Knowing when 'possible' croses the line to 'not possible' is the real tricky part. Mom may lose reason to see it 😔This is when unfortunately that *fall* or other crises can be the decider. Or family do a take-over due to very large risks/possibility of danger.
I have one LO on this line.
'Precarious' I call it. Unable to live independantly but coping along quite ok with home services still. Lacks insight & dx with Anaosognosia by Doctor (post stroke). So I'm in the Awaiting the Fall Club too.
Well, she is now in the last stages of living and she THINKS she IS in a NH, so Dh said "We might just as well have placed her instead of arranging for 24/7 care for her in her home. She thinks I'm my brother and isn't aware of where she is or what she's already done on a day to day basis."
So, so, so sad.
My SIL propped her up for so long it made it pretty much impossible to get her to realize she really is NOT ok by any means. MIL thought she's been living completely independently for the last 5 years and that's ONLY because SIL gives and gives and gives.
@ MeDolly – I guess I feel the need to monitor Mom’s well-being frequently because of the very long fog she was in after my father’s sudden death in 2021. It was at least 9 months before she seemed to be thinking clearly at all. During that time, though, certain frequencies of quick visits and phone calls were set in a pattern that has been hard to break. I’m working on changing that pattern to better align with all of my responsibilities.
@ Beatty – I have wondered about the possibility of ‘anosognosia.’
@ CTTN55 - Mom makes all of her own decisions still. She will sometimes ask me about things that don’t matter, but has made some impulsive, bigger decisions that I wish she would have asked for input on. She will say she wants our input and even tells other people that she takes our advice on everything, but that’s not what happens.
She still drives very short distances, so I am driver for out of town appointments, which are infrequent.
Some cognitive/judgment/memory decline examples:
- Mom mentioned to DH one week several times that she needed him to lower the flag pole so she could paint it. When he lowered it, she said “The flag pole is down.” DH said, “Yes, I lowered it like you asked, so that you can paint it.” Mom said, “But the flag pole is down. Why is it down?” It took several tries for DH to get her to remember that she had wanted it down.
- Timeline distortion – merging an event in 1967 with a totally different event in 1997.
- Language changes – often unable to find words, often answers a specific question with vague generalities. It reminds me of my younger son’s early childhood when he could not think of a word like “sugar”, but could only generally describe it and talk his way around it.
- Mom needed her Social Sec number for something and did not remember it. She went to pull out her card, looked at it and handed it to me. “Here it is.” No, it was a business card that said Social Security Administration at the top, with the toll free phone number in very large font. Her name and number were nowhere on it. She was confused when I said that wasn’t it, and kept looking at it.
- Increasing difficulty in understanding monthly/quarterly bills. On a zero balance invoice she asked twice, “But how much do I write the check for?”
- Stove had an electrical short with a loud bang and extensive blackening, but she continued to use it (because canning had to be finished!). I had to physically pull the plug and flip the breaker off to get her to not use it.
- She did not recognize two family members that she knows very well (now denies this, but I was with her when it happened).
- She has not recognized former medical professionals she’d worked with for years (not just name forgetting – absolutely no recognition at all of name or face). I was with her at an hour long presentation by a former colleague (unknown to me) two weeks in a row in January 2022. Seated close to the front both times, she showed absolutely no sign of recognition. In Sept 2022, she recognized his name in a brochure for the same presentation at a different venue and was very excited to see him again - “I wonder if he remembers me!?”- but had NO MEMORY of the January 2022 event. She said “I must not have been there.”
These issues are intermittent. Often she seems perfectly fine. I’m sure she seems fine to most others who are not as closely connected.
@ bundleofjoy and DoingMyBest- “Doing what needs to be done and what I’m willing to do” and “letting them fail a bit” – working on this! I’ve taken some financial steps to protect her a bit more (which did make her mad).
Thanks, all, for the feedback!
i totally get it. it's a constant anxiety, night and day, no matter how hard you try to switch it off. (by the way, when there are hired caregivers at home or in a facility, the anxiety does decrease, BUT it still doesn't stop - because problems WILL keep appearing, and very likely you'll be asked to help with this or that).
it's hard, and OF COURSE when things get hard it always ironically happens all at the same time (your husband, your mother, etc., etc.). murphy's law is always there...
about a LO's denial of their deteriorating mind/body...
at some point, i completely stopped trying to reason. stopped trying to convince, persuade. i just went ahead and did what needed to be done. example: there was huge resistance, enormous anger, against buying safety equipment around the house. i went ahead anyway. now that equipment is being used all the time. no apology of course, from the LO.
dear OP, do what needs to be done -- and what you're VOLUNTARILY willing to do. you have to live with whatever action/inaction you take. so follow your heart/gut/intuition.
❤️🙂
Does she still drive, or are you her taxi?
What are some of the examples you have that she is declining cognitively (you said you have a list)?
Keep up some gentle advice for making Mom's life easier. Eg brochures for meal services, grocery deliveries, cleaning etc. Gentle folk may be led gently into hiring some in-home help or moving into an Assisted Living type setting as they need it. Strong willed folk want to choose for themself. So offer choices & hopefully they take some.
"I've decided to.. " That's great Mom!
Denial can be.. true denial, an unconscious protective behaviour.
Clever coverups can happen if someone has some insight into their poorer memory etc.
'Anosognosia' is the medical term for lack of insight. Those with it don't know they have it. (The brain doesn't know what it doesn't know).
Your Mom may be still able to cover-up. Oh I'll manage.. It will be fine.. I'll do it later..
Scared of seeing the Doctor in case the cover is blown.
The Doctor left a message for a checkup, or flu shot may work to get there? "Since she was an RN for 50 years" use that angle. It's proactive to have a proper checkup at 75, 80, 85 to check iron level, cholesterol, BP etc.
You are making up for what she cannot do and are just supporting her idea that she can manage her life. You are her crutch, part of her make believe world.
If she hasn't planned for her future at age 85 it is not going to happen.
Go about living your life with your husband, let her live hers.
You do not need a front row seat to her life, sit back and wait, something will happen.