She’s frail and should not drive. My sister is burnt out catering to her. I live 2.5 hours away. She complains bitterly about isolation and what my sister does for her (never enough) but she WONT let me do anything for her or get anyone else help out. I had secretly hired a neighbor to spend time with her but that’s out for now. She made my sister take her to the DMV!! To renew a license that she thought was due (it wasn’t) . All we do when we talk is argue. She complains about a problem, I make a suggestion, she fights me. I just don’t know how to approach her. I’m afraid to say anything about her mental status. I think she knows but she makes excuses about why she forgets or gets mixed up.
I often talk here about the "charade of indepedence". Sometimes we rush in during an emergency, thinking that support will get an elder over a hump and back into doing for themselves. When cognitive decline is involved, that ability-- to manage, to plan and to think ahead is a burned circuit that's not coming back.
When your mother poses a problem, ask "what is your plan for solving that mom?".
Be guided by her thinking.
Don't offer solutions unless you can offer 2 choices and are willing to say "I'm willing to do one of these 2 things. "
Learn the phrase "I can't possibly do that".
Tell your sister to stop offering so much support. Boundaries need to be set and maintained. One grocery drop a week. One trip to the hairdresser per month. Not and endless list of errands to be done every day.
You and your sister need to be on the same page that mom cant "make" you do anything, like an ill-advised trip to DMV. "No mom, I cant possibly do that".
If your mother is "independent" then she can figure out how to get to DMV on her own.