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My mom is 85 and has suffered from dementia for several years. Recently her doctor told me that she is "rounding another corner" and that it's time to find a memory care facility. My mom refuses to live with me & I am the only child left to see to her needs. I have no idea how to bring the subject up because years ago she made me promise not to put her in a nursing home. I feel guilty although, the doctor told me not to; that I am doing the best for my mom. Doctor said that I'd feel more guilty if something happened to her at home.


I'm sure that there a many of you out there that have gone through this situation and I would love some suggestions.


Thank you!

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I could not prepare my Mom, she has moderate dementia, was no longer safe to drive or be by herself, but was in complete denial about her abilities. I actually had to "trick" my Mom into going. I toured a couple places and luckily there is one five minutes from the house. It's new, tall ceilings and windows, a beautiful courtyard and amazing staff.
I chose her room, and had a good friend help me decorate it with her things that were still in storage. We took an out of town trip to bury my stepdad, which was really confusing for my Mom, and on our return, instead of her coming home with me, someone else took her straight to the Memory Care. I waited a week to go visit, by then she had settled in a bit. She asked why, and my standard answer was that the doctor had prescribed memory therapy and this was the best place in town. She didn't buy it, but couldn't formulate an articulate argument.

I made up the bit about the doctor's prescription for my Mom, but in your case, the doctor is advising you that the level of care required by your Mom is one that is best met by her being in a dedicated Memory care home.

In face, the more I pay attention to Mom and her moods, the more I realize preparing her for anything only raises her anxiety levels. Her brother recently came for a visit, she hasn't seen him in something like 10 years, and I made the mistake of trying to prepare her. I've learned my lesson....because she's been angry and irritated now for two weeks after his visit, and the visit was really nice and sweet!!!! UGH.

Good Luck. Remember, you aren't lying to them or being cruel, sometimes, full disclosure for them adds too much stress and anxiety.
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It sounds like the doctor's advice was to start looking at an assisted living facility with memory care unit or nursing home with memory care as well. More and more I think there are many places that have memory care units. Research them in your city. Pick three places and go visit each one. Research a list of questions you may want to ask the facility. Typically I think they can provide a tour and provide brochure and cost information and help you learn more that you are making progress in determining a plan ahead of time, rather than being in a situation where you have limited choices at the last minute. Sounds like you a plan, now doing something about it, if you haven't already. It is not always about the place that is closest. It is about one that works financially and provides better care you current situation. Good luck. Sounds like you are getting good advice!
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Just to add that Dad doesn't spend much time in his room. The staff works to engage the residents in activities and even watching TV in the common area. There's also a lovely courtyard where the staff can take the residents out to eat ice cream or just relax. Sometimes he doesn't like the food, but he has the option of asking for something from the alternative menu. Plus they let me leave a box of cereal, because sometimes that's all he wants for dinner.
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I placed Dad in one about 6 weeks ago. He was with me for 6 months, fell and ended up in the hospital. From there it was rehab. I decided I didn't feel safe keeping him here, and I told him that. I found a wonderful, beautiful place where he has a large private room and bath. I made the arrangements and moved his things while he was still in rehab. Given a choice, he wants to come back to my house, but I just can't do it anymore... At least not now. The place is close, so I visit every day and take him treats. It's not anything like a nursing home. Occasionally he gets a little sad, and I remind him of my age and that I can't safely take care of him. There are a few wonderful aides there that he really likes, and truly they take very good care of him.
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