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She said she liked it there, until I went on a vacation for a week. At first she loved the apartment , the people and the food. going into the third week now everything is bad. The bathroom is too small...it is way not small. Her table gets served last at meals etc. She says things changed around there....no they haven't. I go to see her three times a week, I talk to the staff and watch what goes on all of the time. It is a really nice place. Her complaints are petty and she is resisting OT and PT, and has been refusing to go to the dining room for meals. I know her, she is manipulative and is angling to move back with me and I cannot provide the care she needs any longer. Anyone experience this type of behavior? I think it's finally sunk in that she is staying and now she is just being defiant and resists following rules/PT/OT guidance.

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Logan, they told us at the AL place, that most of the people go through this at the 3 weeks stage, something about the newness wearing off, and realizing that this is there life going forward.

There may be meds that can help, and of course you always have to be on top of any infections creeping up on those seniors!

By now you know that my FIL is back in our home after only 9 weeks in the AL place, Grrr! He came down with Pneumonia, and Sepsis, and now a new Lung cancer, so .Hospice in my home! A very expensive 9 weeks trial! You take care!
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NEW FLASH ...... Had mom re-tested for UTI.....it was positive!! I think you all are better than the doctors!!

However, I still think she has some other issues going on that a geriatric psych/neurologist could diagnose and help with.

Barb, they have a podiatrist that goes to the facility a psychiatrist was not mentioned but I will ask tomorrow for sure. Thanks for the advise.
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Thanks for the clarifications!

Has your mom ever been to a geriatric psychiatrist? There is usually one who calls in at most AL facilities. See if you can get mom on the list to be seen, soon. A good geripsych can usually tell if there is dementia going on and it might be that some antidepressant and/or anti anxiety meds might do your mom a world of good.

Agitation, anxiety and dread were the first signs we saw of my mom's cognitive decline. It took a while to get the right mix of meds, but they have made for a much easier caregiving journey for us.
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Thanks everyone.

I do not react as I know what she is up to. I do visit the 2 out of the 3 because I do her laundry to avoid paying extra money a month to the AL facility. I try to be understanding but she can get pretty ornery so my patience is wearing thin.

I have been speaking to ( and should have noted) to the Health Care Director and Nurses about her. They mentioned she had been taking her meals in her room versus going to the dining room and not socializing that week, but the weeks before she was.

She has been screened for UTIs, so that's not the issue.

BarbBrooklyn, I do suspect it could be vascular dementia as she had a stroke when she was 74 (she is 92 now) and have noted that to her Dr. I will need to take her to a neurologist to get that confirmed in a few weeks.

Jeanne, you crack me up! For sure, she was living with me for a year and a half before I moved her to the facility. And all she did is complain about things when she was living with me and my husband. So it doesn't matter where she is, she is always miserable!

Thanks again, I appreciate the advice and insight. It's always helpful to bounce things off on people here!
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What?! You dared not see her for a week? Well, she'll show you. Perhaps this is resentment that you were away, and fear that you might go away permanently. Being defiant is an odd way to welcome you home, but it can happen (in cats and humans.)

Has your mother been pretty good at manipulating in the past? Then that would be my guess for what is going on now.

Poor Mom. Her world has totally changed. Yes, the apartment is nice, but it is not her old place. The food is good, but it is not in her private dining room. Now she has all kinds of people (OT, PT) trying to tell her what to do all day. Change is hard. Even change for the better! And I think it may get harder with age.

Be gentle with her. Recognize what she is going through. Do NOT show distress at her complaints, and certainly don't give any indication that her complaints might get her out of there. But be sympathetic. She is genuinely having a hard time right now.
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Talk to the social worker and nurses about what your mom is like when you;re not around, for starts.

Definitely check for UTIs; they can cause behavioral changes in elders, but I'm also curious what caused mom's move to AL. Has she had a stroke?

After my mom's stroke, we started to notice some paranoia, delusions, suspicions of things at her AL "not being right" and "something's going on".

She had developed Vascular Dementia; her brain was no longer processing information in the way it had. Suddenly, every overheard (and misunderstood) conversation in the hallway was either about her or about something "awful" going on.
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I think that you need to stay strong and don't let your mom see that her behavior is causing you any concern. If she sees you waver, she will continue her behavior hoping that you will give in. If you stay strong, she will eventually accept her situation.

I also think that freqflyer's advice is sound. Checking for possible infections is a good idea just to make sure that everything is okay. Limiting your visits is also a good idea. Spending less time visiting will give mom less of an audience for her acting up. Good luck!
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Logan, yes it does sounds like Mom is complaining so that you would take her back to her home.

Another possibility is to have the Nurse check her out for a possible urinary tract infection as that can cause a person to be defiant.

If it turns out that Mom is just acting up, I could cut down the visits to once a week and keep it short, half hour. If you can, pop in when Mom doesn't expect you so you can spy on her.... she could be enjoying herself :)
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