How do you know when it is time to put a parent into a nursing home?

When they need more care than you can provide, it’s time. When they aren’t safe where they are, it’s time. When you’re so exhausted, burned out, and becoming resentful, it’s time. When your own health is at risk, it’s time. When having professional care around the clock is needed, it’s time. And it’s okay

Nobody “wants” to put their parents in a nursing home. Even though I had an abusive mother, I didn’t want her in a nursing home. But most of us, we we start out caring for an elderly relative, don’t have a full understanding of what it’s REALLY like to care for a sick, elder that needs 24 hour care. When I first stepped in to manage my mother’s care, I had a lot of fantasies about how things would go. I pictured happy visits at her AL, bringing her out to my home for holidays, and a peaceful death in her beautiful room with a view of the mountains that I decorated with care. I even thought some forgiveness might happen - duh. The reality was declining cognition, multiple health issues, swatting at the staff, non-compliance, violent reactions to any visits or contact, her hiding feces in her furniture and so on. She was constantly falling and she had hallucinations. My gut told me that the AL could not manage her needs. Ya think!? Communication was poor with the staff and even her hospice providers. My stress level was through the roof. Despite our bad relationship, I knew my mother never wanted to be in a nursing home, but she also never planned for her aging or thought she would would have advanced dementia. I moved her to a nursing home where she has gotten excellent care and therapy. She was discharged from hospice. Not that this is a perfect arrangement. There is no perfect arrangement. I still need to be involved to insure she has a voice. But it was the right move. It was time. You will know when it’s time. Everyone loves to bash nursing homes and how horrible they are. Taking care of the sick and elderly is not pretty. The staff at my mother’s nursing home include some real caring professionals. Read some of the nightmare stories on this forum about caregivers who are in crisis trying to manage care at home. They are ready to set themselves on fire! These are not easy decisions we have to make as adult children. I have to laugh, because as I am writing this answer, an ad came on tv for a local senior services business and a man holding a fluffy dog said, “call me to age in place with style and grace.” False advertising is all I can say.

I just placed my Mom in a nursing home. It was very difficult but I have been surprised at how much better she is doing compared to the care I was providing as solo caregiver in my home. Although I did my best, I can see now how she is better with a proper structure, a crew of people working shifts rather than just an exhausted me 24/7, and having social interaction with PT, nurses, aides, etc.

If caring for them has gotten to the point where you can not "take it any longer" if it is "wearing you out" you have reached the point where you need to do something.
"something" does not always mean a "nursing home"
You would look for a place that would meet the level of care that they need.
**There is Independent Living. I am going to assume that since they are with you and caring for them is wearing you out this is not an option.
** There is Assisted Living. Depending on what kind of help they both need this might be an option.
**There is Memory Care. If either or both have dementia this would be your best option. they will get the care they need in a safe environment.
**There is Skilled Nursing. This would be what most people would consider a "nursing home" This is for people that have medical problems that can not be addressed by staff of Memory Care, Assisted Living.
ALL of these are a far cry form what they might have seen 20 years ago.
Take tours.
Talk to people.
If you see families coming and going stop them and ask questions. If you see residents stop and talk to them. Go at a time that might not be "ideal" for a tour. Early in the morning, lunch time, dinner time. Ask to have a meal.
Ask the same questions that you would ask if you were placing your infant in a Day Care Center.
Look at the Medicare website and look at reviews and ratings. Check Social Media.
**And search to see if there are any smaller group homes that would be a good fit. They are usually smaller, fewer residents. But that has drawbacks as well.
**And look into the possibility of caregivers that will come in often enough that it will help you and take much of the burden from you.

I was told when I asked that question early in my journey that if you are asking the question then it is time.

Kaye55, you know it is time when your parents need a village to help take care of them.

My own Mom went into a nursing home as she needed around the clock care by experts knowing how to deal with all the different types of situations. My Dad moved into senior living, and later he moved into Memory Care. That way I was able to return to being a "daughter". Caregiving is so very exhausting and I wasn't even hands-on. I don't know how people do it.

The difference between home careand a licensed facility is 8 hr shifts. If you only had to care for your parents for 8 hours a day, you could probably do it standing on your head. The staff at LTC or MC facilities, for the most part, go home after 8 hours, and can pursue other interests.You don't have that luxury. Even though it breaks my heart, I will.place my husband when I can no longer safely care for him.

Permanent residential placement depends on you and your parents' condition(s):
1 - Are you physically, emotionally, and financially capable of caring for your parents 24/7/365?
2 - Do you have a supportive group of family members, friends, members of your faith community... that will take over care of your parents for hours or days if needed?
3 - Do you and/or your parents have enough finances to pay for home health aides for 20-40 hours a week? If you are working full or part time, you may need paid help to care for them while you work.
4 - Do you and your parents get along well and share similar values and views? If you do not get along well now, it won't necessarily get better when they live with you?
5 - Do you have your own retirement, and long term care needs, secured? If not, you may do better to work full time for more years rather than care for them full time.
6 - Generally, your loved ones' need full time residential care:
when their care requires professional care or care you are unable to provide,
when you can not get enough sleep (7-9 hours every night) because of round the clock care,
when your health deteriorates so that you must prioritize caring for yourself,
and when the financial or emotional burden becomes to much to bear.

I never thought my dad would end up in a nursing home because no one in my family ever had. How naive I was! He lived independently til he was 96 and then lived with us for a year. He was extremely easy to take care of , never complained or asked for anything. After a bad infection he ended up in the hospital then in a nursing home. Of course we both wanted him home. But now after three weeks there I see how much better off he is there. 24 hour nursing care, other patients to socialize with, great food, excellent staff ( except for head nurse🙄) . I am thinking that I should maybe have brought him here earlier because he is getting better care there even though I tried my very best.

On your profile you gave more insightful information:

"Taking care of mom and dad and it is wearing me out. I am tired and I want to run away or to stop going to help. I feel so guilty for my thoughts."

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both parties. It doesn't sound like it's working for you. It should not come at a cost to you. It should not be onerous. Do you think your parents would want you to be worn down to a nub for their sake?

Today's nursing homes and care philosophies are much improved from when your parents remember them. Those memories are what strike fear in most elderly. I suggest you tour a few local to you to get a sense that they can be pretty nice and well run. Often seniors thrive there because they have all their needs met, aren't feeling guilty for having LOs orbit around them, and have much more social exposure and activities.

Or, have you considered in-home aids to give you a break? Agencies can provide all levels of caregiving. If cost is an issue, you may want to contact social services for their county to see if they qualify for any services that would bring some relief. It's ok to just do a little research now so that you're not doing it during a crisis. May you gain wisdom over this decision and peace in your heart no matter what is decided.

I cared for my mom in my home for 2 years. Alzheimers . Then she was in MC for 7 months up until a month ago. In May one day she just quit walking. That was a game changer. I toured several homes. I was referred by the Hospice nurse to one of the oldest but she said they provided good care. I placed her and I have never felt better about her care. If she was home with me she would be bedridden as I would not be able to lift her. Yes Hospice would probably get a lift and I could lift her from her bed to transport chair. The bathroom is too small to get the lift in so I would be changing her briefs in bed. At the NH she goes to the salon to get her hair styled. She goes to Bingo. Church services. The food is delicious. I go everyday for several hours and have lunch with her. One piece of advice. If you decide to place her in a NH ..be sure you have 2 or 3 months of self pay so you can choose the NH of your choice. Then apply for Medicaid once her money gets down to $5000. Or below. Otherwise you will have to find a Pending Medicaid NH and it may be substandard. Don't bash NH's. Yes ..state your experience ..but don't stereotype them in the " horrible category. "