How do you handle when the suggestion is always that you, the caregiver, need to do more!?

" I am POA, healthcare proxy, handle his appointments, finances, shopping, freakouts, major health crises etc. We have a weekly dinner with him at my house or a restaurant, celebrate all holidays, and invite him along when family is in town)"

You do a LOT already. As sp19690 suggested, why not back off on the weekly dinner? In another post, you wrote that he has friends at the AL so he has socialization opportunities, yes? And it's not as if you aren't in contact with him a lot anyway, right?

How many medical appointments do you take him to? How many hours a week do you spend taking care of him?

And how often does your sister visit him, and when she does, how long does she stay?

When my mother was in the NH, she pointed out to me that her roommate's (for the brief period she had one) daughter took her mother out of the NH for outings. Having done the walker in-walker out of the car routine for several years, there was no way I was doing a wheelchair in-wheelchair out of the car routine to take her out of the NH. She paid for transport to medical appointments (I rode along in the transport van).

She also said that my brothers would take her out when they came to visit. Never happened.

When the geriatrician at the NH suggested palliative/comfort care towards the end, one of my brothers panicked and thought a second opinion was needed. Figures that he was the one who visited the least. I told him that if he thought that was necessary, that HE could arrange for that and handle all of it. (Fortunately, the most-helpful brother was visiting at that time and told him that our mother had gone downhill a lot from the last time he'd visited.)

It's so easy for them to try to direct things from afar!

Er... DMB, your sister is undoubtedly guilty of having a (and don't they make your heart sink) bright idea.

But how sure are you that her bright idea of trips to museums, art galleries, and other improving venues (all suitably wholesome and educational, I'm sure) included the part about your taking him? Necessarily you?

Doesn't the facility organize any trips out and about for residents, surely? I'd have thought so, and perhaps your sister did too.

Or perhaps she really did open her mouth and put her foot in it; but all the same I'm always wary of what one person tells me another person says.

He lives in an assisted living facility there are plenty of activities there he can participate in should he choose to do so.

It's not your job to entertain him 24/7. I would even back off on the weekly dinners too. You deserve time with your family. Alone.

Dont take on anymore and if he can't do anything on his own then it sounds like with his dementia assisted living is not the right place for him. Don't they have transport that takes them shopping? I see the senior buses at my walmart all the time.

It is so easy for people to arm chair quarterback especially when they are doing nothing themselves.

Hahaha - classic! Be very firm about the level of work you are taking on to keep him at the level of care he currently enjoys. It’s not your responsibility, but that you’re willing undertake it. Also, the requirement of his care is going to increase, not decrease.

Explain very clearly and firmly that you are at the maximum level you are able to offer, whilst still being able to work, run your own affairs and take care of your health. If Dad has additional wants or needs sister is going to need to take that on - research social groups for Dad, source and co ordinate companion carer to do the social stuff with Dad.

You are doing a great job, with so much work which is invisible - finances, shopping, mental planning and juggling. Looking after an elderly parent is running two lives and households concurrently - it’s hard work! Everyone has an opinion about how it should look until they’re doing it themselves. It is VITAL that you don’t have every second of your life swallowed up by care responsibilities if you are to be able to continue and not end up burnt out and unable to run anyone’s life, including your own.

Have a clearing conversation with your sister so you can let your anger out. Anger is a useful emotion, which signals to you that boundaries have been crossed or an injustice has occurred. Listen to it. Explain that it’s a firm NO to her making agreements or suggestions with Dad which involve your time - she is welcome to take his social wants on herself and if she wants to explore or discuss these with you, she should speak to you direct.

Set firm boundaries right now with Dad and Sister, otherwise you will end up no longer willing or able to continue care.

You need self-care time, you need husband/wife/family time - make sure you guard that for yourself - your life and health depend upon it!

This topic is so annoying! Yes, people are always suggesting things WE could do to make things better or easier for my mom. SERIOUSLY??? Please give me a freakin' break. My uncle suggests she go to the casino 3 hours from here. Really? She can't drive herself there, we are busy and could care less about going, so......Please just butt out! They just talk on the phone so I know he doesn't really understand the extent of her issues with early dementia.

If your dad lives in assisted living, there is absolutely NO reason that you should need to take him anywhere! If he's bored, it's his own fault. He could be saying no to all kinds of things and then, yup, you'll be bored. If he has cognitive issues, that could keep him from fully participating. You could ask the staff if they can try to get him to do more things. He. can refuse but they often try to rally people to come on down to the activities.

Good luck.

Your Dad is in an AL. They have activities and outings. Moms had entertainment too. He is there because you cannot provide him with these things. I think the elderly (no Dementia) forget was involved with raising a family and working f/t. Working is not just 8 hrs a day, its at least 10. The hour before to get up and ready and driving time, the hour after to get home, lets say. So your up at 6 and home by six, lets say. Gives u 5 hrs to cook a meal, take kids to where ever they need to go or picked up from. 11pm u go to bed and start all over again. Weekends are to do things u don't get done during the week and maybe....some time to yourself.

I would not say anything to sister unless she says something to you. If she does, send her a copy of your schedule. Your Dad, he needs to be reminded that you are not his entertainment. Your family and job have priority. The AL has activities available, if he is bored he needs to take advantage of that. If Sister wants to visit and take him somewhere, she can do it. He cannot depend on you. Thats just how it is.

I don't know if your sister said what she said just as a way of conversation prompted by your father (he said he was bored and she just started spit-balling) or if she offered it up as a serious consideration, clueless how involved you are and how much time and energy it takes. Either way, he took it seriously, and now it's in your lap.

You do enough. More than enough. It drives me crazy when people who need help just keep dumping on those caring for them without a thought of how it impacts EVERYTHING. Let's not make anything easier for the caregivers....

If your sister or someone else offers more suggestions how you might help your father, maybe you can turn that around: "I help Dad a lot, more than you probably realize. With only so many hours in a day, it would helpful if you took the time, like I do, to do what you're suggesting. Dad would absolutely love time with you."

Hey, maybe she can plan her vacation to visit him, take him to a couple doctor appts, some museums, shopping....Maybe you can make that a suggestion to her (if she seriously believes you have the time to do the things she said).

Hugs.

I had to giggle, not at your question or vent, DoingMyBest...but at how "helpful" relatives who don't live nearby or deal with the aging loved one think they are being. We too have a 'helpful sibling'. She lives so far away that she will very likely never see her brother in person again. And when we try to talk to her about the issues we face with him (he's homebound literally due to being overweight and immobile and very nearly bedbound - and quite a bit of it is because he absolutely refused to do anything the doctors, physical therapists and nurses as well as the family begged him to do for years and now he has lost his mobility) - her suggestions are always 'spot on' as well.

Her latest is much like yours - except she has no idea how dangerous her suggestions actually are. She wants us to take him out for dinner and shopping. The man CANNOT transport himself. Just taking him out for a doctor's appointment is an act of God and takes two people and we pray ourselves there and back. His mobility scooter barely fits in even the most generous of restrooms. And he is a fall risk from the moment he moves. We have desperately tried to explain to her what taking him out actually entails and how dangerous it actually is, but she is convinced that he will somehow regain his mobility and be happy again if we can just take him out to dinner....

They just do not understand and because they are far enough away and don't actually partake in the care, they are convinced they are being helpful. All it really does is serve to make us feel inept and like we are not doing the right thing by our loved ones. We were turning to her for help and advice and she was making us feel worse.

So here is my advice. take what you want, discard the rest. You are under no obligation to take their advice. It's like an invitation - you don't have to go. For us, we've stopped engaging her. If she wants to know how he's doing, she can talk to him or us. But we aren't actively engaging her anymore because it always turns into how we should be doing more to take a nearly 90 year old, 300 pound nearly immobile man out of the house as often as possible. No thank you. That's LITERALLY a single step away from an accident. We have to call the fire department if he falls at home already and that's in a controlled environment where we've done everything we can to make it safe.

I was a single comment away the last time from offering her a plane ticket and the spare bedroom to come visit and let HER take him out for dinner and trip to go shopping....

He is living in an AL community.
Check their "social calendar" and see what activities he might enjoy and encourage him to follow through. Contact the Activities Director and tell them that "dad", Mr. DoingMyBest73 would like to : Go to lunch with the Group on Tuesday, Go Bowling on Wednesday morning and go on the Outing scheduled for Friday afternoon.
I am sure that if he does half the things that he finds interesting that by the weekend he will be exhausted.
Tell Sis that she can also access the Activity Calendar and suggest things for him to do TO him.
If he chooses to follow through great, if not and when they come to get him for the activity he declines that is on him.

One option might be to ask sister to research options for a carer to take him out for these weekly excursions, either at his expense or hers. She organises it by phone, including payment and transport options. When she’s found something appropriate, perhaps you offer to meet the caregiver yourself, just to check them in person. But it’s her idea, and she carries it through.

It would be interesting to see if she does! Telling you what to do is very different from her managing it herself, as you both may discover.

So don't do it. Problem solved. "I'm sorry but I'm really busy with my family on the weekends."

Hi, Doingmybest!

I didn't yet come up with any solution or advice. But before anything, I wanna give you lots of validation and compassion. You just chose the perfect username! it looks like you're DEFINITELY DOING YOUR BEST! Ten points for that! Your dad is lucky to have such a devoted daughter.

It surely is frustrating and irritating when after doing so, so much for your father [and according from what you wrote, your family doesn't begin to appreciate...] the only "thank you" you get is your sister dumping even more responsibilities on you. It's bizarre.

However, I do wish for your father the best. So I hope people would come up with good advice.

Wishing you lots of luck with tackling this problem. you have my empathy.

Belle

Beatty here always says that there will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions.
Is your father capable of understanding when you speak with him? If he is, simply do so.
If you need some help with the POA, do seek it; your Dad's funds pay for this; you could hire a Fiduciary to do, say, all the bills payment and record keeping for taxes and etc.
You need to set your own limits with your Dad. There is simply no one else to do that for you. Tell him that you cannot take him to the Museum, and that you are sorry, but your own family has needs you need to fulfill, and you need some down time of your own.
I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a wonderful man, my brother. My brother had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's and he hated it, but he had to ask me to take over finances for him, bill paying, and etc. It was a JOB and that in a simple estate with a very well organized man. He was in Assisted Living at the other end of the State. I would have loved to be in a position where I could go to a weekly or semi weekly dinner with him, but that wasn't possible. And I would NEVER have left a relationship I treasured to descend into obligation.
I would speak with family first about all you are doing, and about the pressure you are feeling. Start with Dad and see how that goes. Might he have a bad reaction? Sure. But that's life. We cannot live our lives to make others happy at the expense of ourselves and our own nuclear family.
If speaking with Dad, with Sister and Dad if necessary, doesn't work for you, or if Dad is incapable of computing the realities, you may need a few counseling session to get clear in your mind that your own human limitations is nothing to feel guilty about. You may feel grief that you aren't the good fairie complete to the magic wand, but you aren't.
Embrace your limitations. Hold them dear. When you have done that, share them with the family. And stick to your guns. Wishing you the very best.

You need to let your sister know that you can't do this. My sibling is in another state and expects me to visit regularly. Like you, I have a full-time job, have two teenage kids, etc. My sibling always asks for me to visit my mother more, but I would have to give up more weekend time, which is the only free time I have. He only comes out once a year, so I feel has no say in what I do.

I would be very clear with your sister and just say NO. My mother has needed care for a decade and if I had spent as much time with her as my brother expects, I would have not been able to raise my own kids and work to secure my own financial future. Not to mention I would be a miserable person.

If your father is bored, ask your sister to come out more regularly. She could come out and take weekend responsibility.

Just say no. He cannot make those type of demand. If he's bored so be it or let your sister come to visit or send him to her house. One adult child with a family can't do it all.