I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............
Hugs to you and to all as well and Blessings.
Now I am completely alone. Come a holiday, it’s just me. Need minor surgery, so a ride there and back - I have nobody. I walk in the world but I am disconnected, with not a single close blood relative. I feel like an invisible woman. And there is no cure.
I know what you mean about the sky looking different the morning after. My Dad passed at his home in January of this year, and Mom and I were his around the clock caregivers. I felt immediately as if there's a hole in the world where my dad used to be. And that doesn't really explain it either.
I haven't had time to grieve or process what I think, since I'm now my Mom's caregiver. I don't dare feel too much, because there's no time for me to fall apart.
It is difficult to realize you are all alone in the world. At 80 I am, as well. Those I love, other than my children, are now gone. I will say that each of them enriched my life and made me stronger. My partner is still here but 2 years older than me, and he and I recognize and speak about the fact that at any moment one of us is going to lose the other.
The only way I know to go on is to have things you love. For me it is reading, gardening, walking, and --ok I admit it--trash on TV. I am not particularly social, so not one to join a knitting club, a church group, etc. But those do exisit.
I think you might consider a grief support group or workshop and would suggest a few hours of counseling with a licensed social worker in private practice to think of a way to move forward with some interests to keep you busy. Perhaps a humanities class. A second language?
I would concentrate in so far as you are able on the love and lessons you had, on how they enriched you. And again, I am so sorry for your pain. Life is sure a mix of happiness and pain.
You might even take up posting on Aging Care. We have have lived a few years have learned a couple of things. We perhaps can help others?
Thanksgiving week so many places are looking for volunteers. The need will be tremendous this year as inflation, the high cost of groceries and gas prices have all all increased. Your presence in he serving line may be the only kindness someone receives that day!
Ireland
You could do a DNA analysis on 23andme.
They send a list of relatives. I have over 5,000 in mine. I reconnected with a cousin that I hung out with as a kid. His mom and dad were my godparents.
He lives in California now but planning to visit for French Quarter fest and we are going to reconnect with each other.