My father just died in June of this year. I was in a similar situation as you are. So much trauma. The answers below are very helpful. I would also just make sure, as you are looking for help, that you find a therapist who deals with and has specific knowledge of trauma. In my seemingly endless caregiving journey, I had a couple of therapists who said they dealt with trauma, but it was more a toolbox approach. A little bit of this, and a little bit of that. Generic suggestions on how to deal, which weren’t really at all helpful when dealing with a narcissistic and abusive parent who had always had his way. I even joined a geriatric support group, which made me feel worse, especially from the geriatrician who ran it. Her focus, as seems to almost always be the case, was solely on the elder with little consideration for the enormous burden that, mainly women, are taking on in caring for elders who are living well into their 80s, 90s, and beyond. Anyway, I am still in the thick of it all and will be starting therapy in a few weeks. I wish you well. I have been, and really, am just starting to climb out of the depths of anguish that all this has engendered. It is very tough, but I am willing to work hard to find my way out. One of the things that I am working hard on is trying to extinguish any feelings of guilt as they pop up. Somehow I am managing to do that to a small extent, and it gets easier each time. I was told for my entire life that I was a complete failure and deserved nothing. When that thought crosses my mind, I just repeat, “you are good, you did your duty, and you deserve what good things come your way.” And I seek out good things as well, without too much guilt. Whether that is a yoga class, an hour window shopping, or spending a little more money to eat a healthy meal. I hope this helps some. You are in the thick of it. It will end, you will grieve in whatever way you can, and eventually, you will be able to move on. Hugs.
I am really grateful for all the information in this thread. My father died in June of this year. It has been a long ten years of traveling/long distance Eldercare, several months of in-person caregiving in the spring, and cleaning the house up and out afterwards. Huge job. I finally found a CPT therapist and will be starting work with her after the Thanksgiving holiday. I am scared a bit, but I know it is the only way to survive all I have been through. On top of it all, my Dad was a “pillar of the community”, so the cognitive dissonance is great. I have been listening to Peter Walker’s book on Audible. I can’t take too much at once. Hopefully that will get better. Best to all.
I agree with many who have said therapy but if you have zero energy medication will give you some help to benefit from therapy. Try to also tell a trusted friend to help and encourage you as when depressed it's hard to do anything. I am clinically depressed because of my now aging parents and traumatic childhood.
If you are the one depressed, go see a psychiatrist.
If you feel you can not go on and you are responsible for another's care, go to an emergency room and please allow yourself to be admitted to their psych ward for evaluation and treatment. Yes, the hospital will find a way to care for the person you care for.
If the person you care for expresses that they no longer want to live, please go to an emergency room to have them admitted to the psych ward for evaluation and treatment.
Depression is a serious disease and people do die. Don't be a statistic or let others become a statistic.
Like others have said here, get help for your trauma. It won’t go away entirely but you’ll learn to manage it. Find a therapist who has had real trauma training. I found Pete Walker’s book ‘Complex PTSD; from surviving to thriving’. Incredibly helpful and poignant. He lived this and now helps others. Also find alternative care for your dad if he lives with you. When he dies conflicting with mixed emotions could make grief more difficult. Start looking for good care for yourself now!
Hi dear one, I understand. My dad was the same. I don't know if you ever come to grips with your state of mind regarding a parent who has inflicted trauma without some help. It has only been within the last 2 years that I heard of childhood trauma. Since then, I have done a lot of work on me and for me. I did get a therapist who understood trauma (I had to stop my therapy but really miss it), I have purchased books and workbooks regarding trauma all which I listed are excellent: "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD; TRAUMA: Healing Your Past to Find Freedom Now by Pedram Shojai, OMD and Nick Polizzi which is also a film documentary viewable on Whole TV (just google) and Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma - a workbook for survivors by Janina Fisher, PhD. I recently joined the Urban Monk Academy directed by Pedram Shojai and there are all kinds of classes including trauma and others related, he also has a really good FB page, and I also listened to two recent medical summits on trauma one by Jason Prall and the other by Judy Cohen. Another excellent film documentary recently done by Dr. Gabor Mate titled "The Wisdom of Trauma."
There is info everywhere. I will say this - I have hope now. I have gained a lot of education and understanding of trauma. I have come to my own conclusions regarding my dad and how I feel. BUT - I could not have gotten this far without therapy (I did on-line with a local therapist that I referred to) and all of the above. I had therapy off and on in my lifetime but none of it was successful because at the time trauma was not really understood nor discussed among professionals. Until we heal from our trauma nothing will really work in our lives and our minds.
My dad died in 2017. My siblings and I used to laugh when we thought about his care if needed when he got older because we all agreed we would put him in a NH in a place we would never think to visit. LOL. Honestly though, I don't think I would have taken care of him.
So, I feel you are to be commended for trying even if you decide it is not a good thing for you to do. I am taking full time care of my 89 year old Mom with dementia and she is still so sweet, loving and caring. I really can't even imagine taking care of my dad. He definitely had his good side and I'm sure his childhood was trauma-induced as well, but it doesn't mean I felt obligated to him. Especially since at the age of 67 I am just now understanding the trauma is why my life has been so filled with pain, depression and dysfunction. My beautiful Mom is still living the life of active trauma because her dementia started a few years before he died so she does not have the brain power to understand why she is severely anxious and what she could possibly do to help herself. And that is so sad.
Please get the help you really need so you move forward and into a happy, more carefree state-of-mind and life. Nothing will change if you do not deal with the trauma. You will be so amazed at everything it has affected in you. You will finally understand and know what to do. I wish for you only the best. Warm hugs.
You've got to come to grips with your state of mind and talk to your doctor or seek counseling. You've heard the phrase, "there's an app for that". Well, there's medication for depression. Only you can help yourself.
I am clinically depressed because of my now aging parents and traumatic childhood.
If you feel you can not go on and you are responsible for another's care, go to an emergency room and please allow yourself to be admitted to their psych ward for evaluation and treatment. Yes, the hospital will find a way to care for the person you care for.
If the person you care for expresses that they no longer want to live, please go to an emergency room to have them admitted to the psych ward for evaluation and treatment.
Depression is a serious disease and people do die. Don't be a statistic or let others become a statistic.
I understand. My dad was the same. I don't know if you ever come to grips with your state of mind regarding a parent who has inflicted trauma without some help. It has only been within the last 2 years that I heard of childhood trauma. Since then, I have done a lot of work on me and for me. I did get a therapist who understood trauma (I had to stop my therapy but really miss it), I have purchased books and workbooks regarding trauma all which I listed are excellent: "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD; TRAUMA: Healing Your Past to Find Freedom Now by Pedram Shojai, OMD and Nick Polizzi which is also a film documentary viewable on Whole TV (just google) and Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma - a workbook for survivors by Janina Fisher, PhD. I recently joined the Urban Monk Academy directed by Pedram Shojai and there are all kinds of classes including trauma and others related, he also has a really good FB page, and I also listened to two recent medical summits on trauma one by Jason Prall and the other by Judy Cohen. Another excellent film documentary recently done by Dr. Gabor Mate titled "The Wisdom of Trauma."
There is info everywhere. I will say this - I have hope now. I have gained a lot of education and understanding of trauma. I have come to my own conclusions regarding my dad and how I feel. BUT - I could not have gotten this far without therapy (I did on-line with a local therapist that I referred to) and all of the above. I had therapy off and on in my lifetime but none of it was successful because at the time trauma was not really understood nor discussed among professionals. Until we heal from our trauma nothing will really work in our lives and our minds.
My dad died in 2017. My siblings and I used to laugh when we thought about his care if needed when he got older because we all agreed we would put him in a NH in a place we would never think to visit. LOL. Honestly though, I don't think I would have taken care of him.
So, I feel you are to be commended for trying even if you decide it is not a good thing for you to do. I am taking full time care of my 89 year old Mom with dementia and she is still so sweet, loving and caring. I really can't even imagine taking care of my dad. He definitely had his good side and I'm sure his childhood was trauma-induced as well, but it doesn't mean I felt obligated to him. Especially since at the age of 67 I am just now understanding the trauma is why my life has been so filled with pain, depression and dysfunction. My beautiful Mom is still living the life of active trauma because her dementia started a few years before he died so she does not have the brain power to understand why she is severely anxious and what she could possibly do to help herself. And that is so sad.
Please get the help you really need so you move forward and into a happy, more carefree state-of-mind and life. Nothing will change if you do not deal with the trauma. You will be so amazed at everything it has affected in you. You will finally understand and know what to do. I wish for you only the best. Warm hugs.